I moved into this house when my daughter was a baby and a double Cancer pal helped. We were standing in the kitchen amongst the boxes and I feeling overwhelmed. I have no planets in Cancer. I have no planets in the 4th house either. My mother was a detached double Aquarian, so kitchens are just not my thing.

“I have no idea what to do,” I said. “Where do I put this stuff?” I asked.

After verifying I was serious and seriously confused, she burst into action. “These go here,” she said holding up spatulas and the like. “Next to the stove because you’re going to cook with them, right?”

I nodded dumbly.

“Right side of the stove so you can grab them with your right hand,” she added brightly.

“I don’t know any of this you know,” I said.

She laughed. “You don’t have to know because IIIIIIIIIII know!” she said with her Leo rising boasting. I stood back while she completely organized my kitchen.

With the kitchen done we stepped out on the back porch.

“Oh,” she said pointing a knot on the back yard fence. “You have a heart on your fence! See it? Home sweet home!”

“Where?” I asked.

“There,” she said pointing.

“Where.”

She walked over to the fence and pointed to the heart. “Here.”

“That? That’s not a heart, it’s a penis.”

“Oh, Elsa.”

“Sorry man. But that’s a dick and a hard one at that.”