“I definitely noticed your keeping your life secret from the blog, Elsa. You keep saying that difficult things are going on in your life but never really talk about them. Plus you keep your music tastes secret. I remember the reason you gave for that. It’s because it’s precious to you right?
I know it’s kind of trivial and unfeeling to say it but.. I’m curious about what you’re keeping secret! :I’m especially curious about your past and your book.”
Dina – our perceptions are so different. I talk about my life non-stop on this blog. I keep some things secret (or private) for a variety of reasons which generally speaking, I reveal.
For example, as far as my daughter goes, there is her privacy to protect (my son’s privacy as well). I have explained people are negatively impacted (injured) by the details of this story. I have also explained that telling forces me to stay in the story. I have to relive it as I tell it when what I need most is relief.
So what I do is write events surrounding the event. Things I think people can benefit from that also benefit me. For example, that first video about amputating, I have watched several times because at some point in there, I state I am trying to “get from here to there”. I turn that thing on and when see myself say that it helps me center and stay focused.
Regarding my past, I have written about it (publicly) extensively. That book is more than 600 pages long and contains a very small percentage of what I have written about my childhood and younger life. It was supposed to be published and the reasons it has not been are unbeknownst to me and simply don’t concern me at this time.
If they start to concern me, I will do something about it but at the moment as hard as I worked on it, that book is completely irrelevant to me probably because I am forward focused and it seems in my past. But if it does ever get out there, you will see that I write about my past in the same way I write about everything else – the story just gets told.
But I don’t think you’ll like it because it is just like this blog in that as candid as I am, a person is left with questions and there is not a thing I can do about it. Should I write a 1600 page book? Would 2600 pages do it? Um… no. I will not be alive long enough to tell my story. There are not enough hours in a day or years in a life – this is just the way it is.
As for my tastes in music and movies, I am sensitive about it. I have that Venus Neptune and these things are inordinately important to me. Unfortunately the way people take shots at me is nothing new and I have learned to hide (Neptune) this stuff as a defense (Saturn). Believe it or not, I prefer not to be shot full of holes when I can avoid it.
“I like Leonard Cohen.”
“Why do you want to listen to that morose bastard?”
“Er… never mind.”
I am a Saturn / Neptune type and cannot defend. I cannot defend against the blunt trauma a comment like that causes a person like me, so I transcend and/or hide and to do otherwise would be masochistic. Am a masochist? ::snorts: I am not.
My work (Saturn) is to inspire (Neptune on the midheaven) and this would not be achieved if I operated in another fashion. For example, if you came to my blog and found a bulleted list of facts and events it would not be the same, would it?
Last, there is a core reason I keep every secret I keep which applies in instances and it is this: I don’t have time.
I don’t have time to tell the soldier I am watching blah blah movie and then have the 11 hour conversation that would result. When we were kids I did not tell him I was underage because it would have led to another question and then another which would have led to another and another and another until our lives were consumed.
I can’t help it that my life is like this. I can’t help that this is an irresolvable problem… for good or ill. It is for good I am inexhaustible. It is for ill I am inexhaustible.
I have been like this since I was 8 years old, do you know that? Well now you do. I am like this because I am like this. I am like this because this is how the dice landed so what should we do? Ask for a re-throw?
Do you keep secrets? Why?