Dear Elsa,

Ten years ago I met a man who I fell in love with. We had an amazing rapport. Electric.

Six months after we met, I moved out of the country… and for the next 3 years we phoned each other and wrote regularly. We were both in relationships so it was always an exchange of energy and ideas–and while the ‘vibes’ may have been there, we were never sexual with each other.

Fast forward to 2001. I was single, and finally told him how I felt. He told me in no uncertain terms that he ‘didn’t want my love.’ Okay. I hurt, but I moved on and I met the man I am with now. We’ve been together for over 5 years, and I am committed… except suddenly, this man is back in my life.

It is a good thing, as I am a writer and artist (he is a painter) and the exchange of ideas we continue to have is extremely important to me but here’s the kicker. I still, after 10 years, want to screw his brains out. It’s driving me NUTS. I have a really hard time not feeling guilty about this.

Part of me wants to tell my SO, because he is a fantastic person and has always tried to encourage me to accept that fantasy life is okay (my guilt is legendary). But what do I tell him? He’s asked me before if we’ve ever dated and I said no but the emotional bond is something else.

What I mostly struggle with is that after so long, I still carry a torch for this man. There. I said it. It may be a torch in my groin, but it’s still there. And still the thought of losing the kind of love I have with my SO terrifies me.

I can still keep going on like this, but I know that I am prone to sudden moves that incinerate what’s important to me and I’m worried if I bottle my feelings (sexual and otherwise) any longer, I’m going to ruin myself.

Motor Racing
Canada