Best of luck,
Dragonflies

As someone who met the person I consider to be the love of my life and had three weeks with him before I moved to New York for four months (during which we stayed in contact through text, and when I returned, we got together and we’ve been together since – going on six months), I can definitely sympathize with the feeling of being swept up, but if you haven’t known this man for at least two years, chances are very good that it’s Infatuation, not Love, that you’re dealing with. That’s not exactly the most stable environment to be raising children in.

Talking about having children, after only three weeks of knowing him in person, would be a very silly thing to do. It’s dangerous to plan something that will take up the rest of your life with someone you’ve known only a little while. In my opinion, anyway.

If I’m wrong about how long you’ve known the man, then by all means, ignore me. But I thought it was worth mentioning.

Also, I’m a Cancer. For what it’s worth.

Anyway, this guy just admitted to me that he’s not ready. But why does everyone still tell me it’s *my* committment issues? *My* wish for control? *My* maybe (secretly?) not wanting kids.

I’m 35, I have always wanted children, and still do. I haven’t found anyone decent to have them with. Is this so unusual? Is it my fault? Is it my being a control freak?

The last guy told me he wouldn’t make a good father a year into it. This guy told me a six weeks into it that I was right, that maybe he isn’t very financially stable.

And I’m supposed to do what? Kick my feet up, throw my hands in the air and say, Ah, life is out of control so I am too – let’s do it?

I’m cautious, as Capricorns are, and I’m waiting to find the right man before I end up with a big mess on my hands.

There is no relationship, no choice, without price, consequence and compromise. I think you’re at a point in your life where you need to make priorities.

You say you want children, which is fair enough. However, if you want them to be biological children it may be an idea not to leave it too long considering that you are 35. (I have nothing against older women having children – both my grandmothers had kids when they were 40 but biologically speaking for most people conception becomes more difficult.

So, how important are children? More important than money? More important than financial stability? More important then fear of commitment, or of compromises that need to be made between your own views and his views in order to ensure a harmonious relationship?

I don’t think anyone should ever have children unless they’re sure they want them, and unless they are fairly sure about the quality of the person they are making them with.

My sister is 35 as well. Even though she wanted children she was also completely committed to her very demanding career AND in terms of relationship she hasn’t yet found someone she wanted to make compromises for. All that is fair enough. She looked at her life, reflected on it, arranged her priorities and she is not unhappy with her decision. She’s beautiful, she’s got a great job, she’s got tons of friends, she goes travelling all over the world and stays in lovely places. She has a beautiful life ordered exactly how she wants to, and it’s a great life.

But the thing is it’s a life that’s only possible if you’re single. As soon as anyone comes into your life, they mess it up. You end up having to create closet space, divide tasks, put up with the fact that their ways of doing things will be different from yours and how to live with that. You also make sacrifices. My husband sacrificed his beloved motorbike for me (he sold it, so we would have money to get stuff for the baby). I sacrificed things for him (gave up a beloved hobby so we could have more time together). He doesn’t think I’m a less valuable person because I like to leave dirty plates and cups scattered on available surfaces throughout the house, and I don’t think he’s a jerk because he likes computer games. To be sure both of those traits are supremely annoying to the other person, and we get irritated with each other all the time but ultimately we both to an extent overlook having things our way and we live with compromise. I will make more of an effort to do this, and you will make more of an effort to do that.

I love being right. I love having things my own way. So does he. But we’ve decided to make efforts anyway, and live with them, because the other person is worth it and we love each other.

Now, just think about your own life. Think about what choices you want to make when you can’t have your cake and eat it too. What is most important? What is the one thing you would choose to have if you couldn’t have the others? Then pursue that thing and have a good life.

Good luck.