Hot Tempered Ambivalent Man Paired With Insecure Mistrustful Woman: Venus, Jupiter, Saturn T-Square
Dear Elsa,
I have been going out with this guy for a little over 2 years now; it’s been long distance for a year. There is also no likelihood of us being together in one place for another year. We have been talking marriage for a long time but his behavior suggests to me that he is a commitment-phobe. He keeps promising me certain dates but also keeps postponing them.
Over and above that, I have caught him talking to random girls that he meets on social network websites, not only online but on the phone for hours together. Upon being confronted, he apologizes and says he will not do this again. But a few months down the road, his behavior repeats.
I love him terribly but am also unable to trust him. On weekends when we are not together, I wonder if he is actually out drinking with his buddies or with another woman. His behavior is also ambivalent. During arguments, he expresses that we should break up since I am unable to trust him. However, he is very impulsive and does not ever appear to mean what he says.
I am very confused. Talking to him about this is difficult because of his hot temper and impulsiveness. We are unable to have a conversation about it without arguing. I have been cheated on in the past and wonder if it’s my baggage that is causing this or whether my boyfriend does have issues. My judgment seems clouded.
Can you advise?
Thanks,
Lost
Singapore
Dear Lost,
Considering you are confused, I hate to be nebulous but it sounds to me as if it’s a little of both.
From his perspective: it is maddening to not be trusted when you are trustworthy and this can definitely drive a person away. It can also lead them to say exactly what has been said to you, “If you don’t trust me, perhaps we should break up,” because it is awfully hard to maintain a relationship with someone who questions your character.
On the other hand, it sounds as if he has given you reason to question him. But what it not clear is which came first, the chicken or the egg.
You don’t say which makes me wonder if you even know. It is possible this bouncing back and forth may be something in the synastry between the charts. By that I mean, he may trigger your insecurity which leads you to question him, which drives him away… etc.
This would not surprise me but even if it’s the case, your chart shows challenges on the relationship front that are yours alone, independent from him. For example, with Venus in Aquarius square Jupiter you need a lot of space which is served by the distance. But with Saturn involved, you are definitely insecure about your value and attractiveness… and scared of loss.
Bottom line, I can’t call this. I can tell you that you’ve got a fire to deal with and I can tell you that it sounds as if he fuels it. Whether he does this organically or he’s been orchestrated into it, I don’t know.
Whether you’d fare better with another man is also questionable. For example if he were close at hand and you were supposedly “secure”, you would very likely be feeling smothered and oppressed. Point being, you are really going to have to work to be comfortable in relationship regardless of the circumstance and this guy’s temper is a whole other issue. Is he a maniac or rebelling against your attempts to control? I am sorry but I can’t tell.
I am also sorry there is no easy answer but the way it’s going, if one or both of you don’t make an adjustment and get on the other’s side, I’d say you’re headed for the rocks.
Good luck.
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4 Responses to “Hot Tempered Ambivalent Man Paired With Insecure Mistrustful Woman: Venus, Jupiter, Saturn T-Square”
not astro advice, but in my personal experience, if you don’t feel trust, there’s a reason. while your inital insecurities may have added to a divide between the two of you, the fact that it repeats is an issue of concern. you can’t suddenly manufacture real trust when the issues that damage the trust recur repeatedly.
and the repeated “maybe we should break up” suggestion almost sounds like he’s looking for the exit door. some people won’t simply break up, but want the other person to do it for them.
do be careful; if you have a lot of difficulty getting along in a long-distance relationship, there’s not much of a reason to think that it’s all going to be magically fixed when you’re in the same zip code, you know? day-to-day relating is more challenging, usually, than occassional relating.
and even if you can work out the trust issues, do you want to live with the hot temper and impulsiveness? for me, feeling like i can depend on my man and that he’s not going to bolt the next time he gets pissed off is a BIG deal in my own personal feelings of security.
here’s hoping you find the relationship you want and deserve, whether it’s with this guy or someone else…peace out.
I once dated someone who I could not trust. He liked to blame me for not trusting him, but he gave me every reason not to. In the end I only regret not breaking up with him sooner. At the time I felt like some kind of jealous snooping shrew, but that was what I became to deal with him. I’ve never reverted to that kind of behavior in any relationship since. The bottom line is that people have to earn trust. Is there really any point in continuing when you know you can’t trust someone? Not for me.
Gah, can’t believe I forgot this… My untrustworthy ex? He used to say, “If you don’t trust me, maybe you should just leave me.” It wasn’t that he actually wanted me to leave him. THAT he fought against pretty hard for reasons I still don’t understand. It was a manipulation tactic to make me feel badly about not trusting him. He was trying to get me to feel bad enough that I would turn a blind eye to his activities out of love for him. It almost worked. Not quite.
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Man, that sounds familiar… Now, I haven’t seen the charts or anything, so I may be WAY off… But my ex and I had similar trust issues, and over the same sort of things. He would go around online, doing whatever he felt like – which usually included cybering with women, asking for their phone numbers, having phone sex, and asking to meet in person. Then he would apologize and promise to stop when I caught him, only to be back at it within a week.
BIG trust issues developed, of course. We tried to keep it going for another couple years and it just got worse and worse. We were living together, but I still couldn’t trust him. We should’ve called it quits way before we did, but we had a kid together, so we kept trying.
So, from my experience… Sometimes if the trust is gone, there’s no getting it back, and attempting to keep hanging on sometimes does even more damage. My ex was/is perpetually indignant that I didn’t/don’t trust him anymore, but from my point of view, it’s his own damned fault. If he had behaved in a trustworthy manner, we wouldn’t have had a problem. *shrug*
I dunno if that helps, but your story was too familiar for me to stay quiet.