The soldier rang:

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Oh, I’m pissed off.” The soldier had been shopping. “First they don’t have that cd I want and I still can’t find a red marker! What’s wrong with this world? Don’t they make a red marker anymore? I wound up having to buy a whole pack…”

“No red marker? What will the teachers of America do?” I asked.

“Oh, well there’s probably a law against red markers by now. They’re too aggressive! Red is too aggressive a color to have on our children’s papers. It might upset them. Red is such an angry color, it’s sure to upset a child’s psyche and make them into raving lunatics. We better get rid of red and use these blue markers… or green. Maybe we should just switch to pastels all together. This other is just way too aggressive…”

I laughed.

“And even the red marker I got isn’t red. It’s a rust color.” He sounded completely dejected. “Anyway, P, I’m going to go in here and get something to eat.”

“Okay. Well I hope they give your some salad with your manicotti, or look out. What? No salad? You’re serving manicotti with no salad? What’s the matter with you!” I said with a snort, mocking one of his recent rants. “Look here. You get me a salad to go with this manicotti or I am gonna… I’m gonna level this whole place, that’s what. I mean it. Everyone in here is going down if I don’t get a salad because you can’t eat manicotti with no salad so I don’t know how you’re going to do it but you best get back there and get me…”

He laughed. “Okay, okay. Like you can talk. Like you aren’t as bad as me.” He raised his voice to mimic mine and repeated one of my recent rants…. “So what are you trying to tell me? I don’t know how to make coffee? I know how to make damned coffee, for Godsakes so don’t tell me I don’t! But gee. I’m not going to be able to manage this with this broken pot so how about you get me a working pot and nobody will be having a problem anymore. And by the way, what’s taking so long? My life is going by here, can’t you see that? I want some damned coffee! Get me a pot that works!”

Of course it turned out there was nothing wrong with the pot.

I had to apologize and have been teased without mercy since.