“Well yeah. Things could have ended better,” he said. “But I’m still not going to send you some scathing mail. And they didn’t end that badly either. They just ended, that’s all. At least that’s how I saw it. I don’t remember it being bad, outside of the fact it ended in first place. That was bad.”

“Okay. Well I didn’t think they ended very well. But I also didn’t think I should do anything about it. I figured we had a scab, so best not to pick it. I didn’t see how any good could come of it. And it would have been different if you didn’t know what happened to me. But I was writing my blog and I knew you’d read it and see what was going on. You know.You would be able to see how the movie ended. What happened was not kept from you. You could read and see I was okay. You’d know I was happy and I was with the AMF.”

“You knew I was reading your blog? How did you know that?’

“Well you pretty much told me you would. You told me you’d track me like a dog on a scent for the rest of my life.” I laughed. “What do I think that means? Don’t you remember telling me that?”

“Yes and I meant it,” he said.

“Well I never thought you didn’t. You always do what you say you’re going to do. And besides, why not? I am a person worth tracking, aren’t I? Of course I am or you wouldn’t do it. If I bored you, then you wouldn’t track me, you’d just be gone. But I don’t bore you. Bore you a little or bore you now and then, maybe. But not bore you, bore you.”

“Nope. Never got bored.”

“Well I didn’t necessarily think you would read every day or anything. But I did think you would come around now and then. I figured you’d peep in or make the rounds or something like that. Track me is track me, right? You said you were going to track me so of course you’re going to do it and it was fine with me. It didn’t affect what I posted or anything. Oh, sometimes I would put something up and think if you happened to come that day and read it you’d be pissed. I knew if you saw it you’d get all hot and want to debate and argue with me.” I laughed. “But oh well. It didn’t stop me. You know. To hell with you. I am going to have my life. Nothing is ever going to stop me.”

“That happened all the time. I did get pissed off at some of the stuff you’d say.”

“Not surprising, and so what? You can use the aggravation. That’s how I see it. I know you. You don’t mind getting hot once in awhile. Getting pissed off is good for your soul, so if it happened? Well then thank you, Elsa. But really, I just let it go completely. I had no choice, actually. A lot of time passed and I couldn’t track you if I wanted to. And I didn’t want to because I’m not a tracker in the first place. I’m just not the type. I was with the AMF, I was happy and besides that, I have no interest in tracking a person at all. I like to deal with a person directly and if I can’t, then I don’t deal at all.”

“I do,” he said. “I have an interest in that. I like to track.”

“I know. And you don’t like it, you love it. So go ahead. Meanwhile I just went on with my life.”

Do you track people surreptitiously? Are you a Scorpio?

Ha ha ha, like any of you are going to cop. But I know you are here. Scorpio won the poll. Here it is from November.

[poll=23]

And here’s a better question:

Do you (or would you) mind being tracked?
I don’t. I am actually flattered.

skip to Beating Yourself Up and Wires Highly Charged…

The mechanic of ElsaElsa just installed a “recent comments” module so you can see easily see what people are saying and I now have google ads which I am enjoying very much.

If you’re me, this is like having things on the page move and I don’t have to move them! I like the changeability, it makes me feel like something is happening here.

Thanks, Bob!

Talking to the soldier:

“Well I’m glad you wrote. When I saw your name come up in my email, I was instantly happy. I was really glad. And I had no idea all this other stuff. I didn’t know I was dying but as soon as I saw your name, I knew it would be a good mail. You know. It wouldn’t be scathing.”

“Now why in the world would I ever send you a scathing email? ” He laughed. Continue reading The Soldier Reaches Out – Part 4: Beware The Mail

Dear Wits,

Yes and no. You’re going to get out of this but you have two years to go. Pluto is transiting your T-Square which involves your Sun, Moon, Ascendant and Mars – and I can’t think of anything more hard core than that! So what you need is a new strategy and I can offer one.

You’re in a power struggle with your ex and it’s one you’re not going to win. At least not now and definitely not the way you’re going about this. And please don’t take that as criticism because it’s not meant that way. You sound very sane to me. You sound reasonable. But the way your chart is set up and considering the Pluto transit, I just don’t think you’re going to get anywhere fighting him – as your experience has proven. Instead you will have to do something much harder. I’ll tell you what will work and you’re going to hate this. But you may as well give it a try. Because you’re at your wits end, remember?

You’re going to have to go super yin. You are going to have to let this fire consume you. Change your stance to “Bring it on!” And I don’t mean, bring it on, because you’re going to fight it. I mean, bring it on because you can take it. You can take everything he can deliver and then some. He can pound you into the ground in any of the stupid little ways he knows and you will still be here! He will not kill you. You will not be destroyed.

But I’m not kidding. You must stop being aggressive in any way. Pull your horns in… all the way in. Lay low. Be still. Work with your emotion. Handle it. Let it burn inside and survive it.

And don’t misunderstand. This is not some kind of flippy trick. You are headed into what will no doubt be the most painful transition of your life. But this is unavoidable. And you are not going to be able to rise from any ashes until and unless you are ashes. And you’re not ashes if you’re still fighting, are you?

Let go. Let him try to burn you down. Let him try to destroy you and I promise you’ll find out he’s powerless and you’re not. He cannot kill the mother but no one will find this out until you let him try. I am very sorry. Super yin. Remember that.

Take care and good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

pictured – Pluto, Agostino Carracci, 1557

“So anyway, P. I was never going to contact you. I just wasn’t going to do it. I hoped some day you might contact me but I didn’t expect it, that’s for sure. And I was pretty content just going along but then…”

“What?”

“Well you put up that one blog. I don’t remember what it said exactly. Something about water going down the drain. You said you were going to pull the plug, or something to that effect.”

I had quoted a Zucchero song. “Yeah, I remember. I know what I wrote.” Continue reading The Soldier on the AMF – Part 3: 8th House Scorpio Moon Conjunct Neptune Wigs Out

Dear Young Man,

I don’t know if you will have contact with this man again or not, but I’ll give you my read on this – which may shift something in you and allow you to progress.

First, your friend and ex-lover has Pluto transiting his Sun and I can tell you for sure, he is in an intense process. It sounds as if he is trying to renounce his gayness which I can’t imagine will work; however he is well within his rights to try. And gay or otherwise, he now has a responsibility to a child.

Point is that he’s busy. And I imagine he is going to be busy awhile. And as for him coming back to you in any form, I think you are in considerable denial about what you’ve done to this man. I see you justifying your behavior and your betrayal of him. You were humiliated so you outed this guy? To the world?

I’m sorry but that is intense. And if he never forgives or speaks to you again… well I wouldn’t blame him.

And this is not to excuse what he did to you. I am just saying, when you cut someone the way you did him, you really can’t expect them to bounce back and expose their throat so you can go ’round again. So it may be this is your very hard, very painful lesson and if not?

Well the way I read this, authentic change would only be possible if you were to become aware of how self-centered you are. Because it seems you think this whole thing is about you. And this is erroneous, of course.

There is a woman here who is pregnant and apparently due any minute. Do you know how hard it is to have a baby? I do. Never mind when the father of your baby is gay and you’re both in denial. And her mother must be having a good time, hmm? That woman having the baby is her baby and she knows. She knows her daughter is up a creek and I hope you can see what I am getting at here.

There are a lot of lives in crisis right now and all you seem concerned with is having access to this man you say you love… which is something I would question. Because how do you love someone and do what you did to this man? I’m sorry but this does not compute.

I say take some time to think about this and feel it deeply. See if you can come up with some compassion for someone besides yourself. And if you can manage this, I think you will see that what you did was not justified and a profound apology is in order.

If you get that far… if you can offer this man your sincere apology, at that point I would suggest you fall back. Way back. Because this man has a new baby. And he obviously has copious amounts of things to sort through, and the astrology?

Pluto will not be clear his Sun until the end of 2008. So he’s going to be burning and boiling alive an a daily basis between now and then. And the moral of this story?

Don’t betray your friends.

Good luck.

UPDATE…. This guy wrote back in Oct, 2007. Click here to read an update.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

“How long was that, anyway?”

“Three years. I was with him for three years, just about.”

“Three years, huh. I guess that seems about right. Whatever it was, I was there the whole time. I read your blog.”

“You did.”

“I signed on so I could get it by email. I used some name I didn’t think you’d know is me.”

“No, I’d not have known. A lot of people are subbed. I’d have had no idea… you could have been anyone.” Continue reading The Soldier on the AMF – Part 2: On Finding Solace When Things Are Bleak

On the idea of being a Saturn Neptune type, I have a story that illustrates the confusion, perfectly. Not just other people’s but my own.

Some years ago my friend and astrologer, cf, who thinks I am the quintessential Mars type woman suggested I see the movie, “Bagdad Cafe“, which is a great movie by the way.

“It’s a movie chock full of Mars symbols,” she said. ‘Wait’ll you get a load of the woman in there… Brenda. She’s just like you.”

Well I didn’t believe her at the time. No one is just like me. But I got the movie and sure enough… Continue reading Coping With The Current Saturn Neptune Opposition: Astrology and Movies – Bagdad Cafe – Just Who Is Elsa Anyway?

Dear Aries,

I agree you are not the only woman on the planet who feels this way about porn. I agree most men don’t comprehend the effect their porn consumption has on the women in their life and I also agree that eventually you will lose respect for him. And yes the love will be next because it’s very hard to love someone you don’t respect. Pity them, yes. But love? That’s a much harder ticket.

But as much as I agree with you, I am still baffled by your post. Because you call this guy a wonder man. He’s a wonder man who watches porn all day, and who you don’t want to sleep with?

Now I am sorry but he does not sound like a Wonder Man to me. He sounds more like a problem who lives in your house. And as for not making yourself clear around how you feel about porn, I am sure this was not the case. I am sure you made it abundantly clear, which is why he hid it better. And the fact you found it (twice) says something too, don’t you think? But here’s the bottom line:

I don’t care what the issue is. I don’t care if it’s porn or farting or not putting the cap on the toothpaste. If something about your partner is bothering you, all you can do is communicate it and see what happens. And in this case you’ve done that. And he responded by telling you he was going to respect your wishes, and then proceeding to do exactly otherwise. And when this happens it puts the ball back in your court. Should you ask again? Threaten to leave if he does not comply? Watch the porn with him? Get a new man?

No one can decide this but you. But I don’t mind telling you what I would do. I would toss the guy on the simple fact he’s in my bed and I don’t want to have sex with him. Because guess what that means? It means he’s taking up the space that could be occupied by a man I do want to have sex with!

See, people do what they want to do! Always. So what your relationship might be like if only your partner would do x,y,z is completely irrelevant if he is not going to do it. What is relevant is whether or not you like what you have. And it doesn’t sound like you’re happy in with this situation at all. As a matter of fact it sounds like you are already in the process of grieving. I’m sorry.

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

“Well I respected you relationship with the AMF,” he said.

“I know. Why did you do that?”

“Why did I do that? Let me think. Well for one thing, you were in love with him.”

“Yes.”

“And you were happy.”

“Yes. I was very happy with him. I was completely satisfied.”

“Yeah, you were. And I respected that. What do you think I want for you, anyway?”

“I know you want me to be happy.”

“Right. And you were happy. So I wouldn’t have wanted to do anything that would harm that. And I respected him too, actually.”

“You did. I know you did, but why? Why did you respect him?” Continue reading The Soldier on the AMF: Love, Respect and Do No Harm