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Lacks Experience in Relationships

October 22nd, 2005 @ 4:57 am by Elsa

Dear Elsa,

I’m a 22 yr old girl, and have only dated one guy. We were together for 8 months – though despite the fact that we were dating, he never called me his girlfriend. I think we were both insecure, because I never showed my feelings either. But he was always there for me, and we were together night and day.

My life took a different path than his, and I decided to move to another country across the world to pursue my dreams. He understood my decision, and was actually happy for me… although he also expressed his sadness. Since I was leaving him, I never had the guts to talk to him about our ‘relationship’.

Now we’ve been apart for 4 months, and we still stay in touch. He calls me, we email, and he constantly talks about doing things together in the future. It hurts to be this way, so I actually tried cutting off all communication. But then he was the one who called, emailed and got online at random hours just to talk to me. When we were together, I could tell he liked me by his actions, but was never given any reassurance. Now I’m not sure if he’s just playing games, or really feels something for me.

As you can tell, I am very insecure when it comes to relationships, especially since I haven’t had much experience. I still have feelings for him, but don’t know if I’m confusing one thing for another. I might be just living in an illusion. What should I do?

Please HELP ME!!

Signed,
Not Sure What to Do

jupiter god Dear Not Sure,

You poor thing! This sounds a perfect hell! I’m going to tell you my straight gut on this, okay?

I think when you move away from someone, this is pretty definitive. I’m not saying you don’t have feelings for him, or he for you – because clearly this is not the case. I am saying that your life’s path has taken you away from him and I doubt this is an error.

So then you land half-way around the world. And you’re obviously not especially outgoing or gregarious, so it’s not like you’re going to hit the ground running. No, you’ve chosen a very challenging path here and I expect you’re very lonely. You probably you miss “home”. And he is “home”, isn’t he? He is your “people” and this creates a very serious bond.

I expect he loves you. It sure sounds like it. But I am not sure you love him. Not as a “partner” anyhow and that’s okay!!! I just don’t think you’d have created all this distance if you felt in your core that he was “the man” for you.

Read your question above. You talk about your lack of experience. It sounds like you want more experience. It sounds like you want to expand. This man allowed you to do this. He supported you when you left and that’s a good friend. So you have a good friend, and I’m betting you are a good friend. But outside of that, romanticizing the situation is probably impractical.

I’d suggest you find a place for this man in your heart, and expect him to live there always. Let the bond support you as you continue on your path. Meanwhile, look for another man. One who can hold you at night in your new land. And have faith that if you and this first guy are meant to be together, there is no doubt that the universe will make it happen.

Good luck
.

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