Caretaker
Hey Elsa!
Am I destined to live without a love of my own?
It seems I’m the one who is always taking care of everyone else and no one really seems to take care of me or my wants and needs. I am currently taking care of my mother, and my two learning disabled daughters. My mother has a lot of physical disabilities, although I think she makes up a lot of her maladies. She’s been to quite a few doctors and she really doesn’t have very much wrong with her medically. She just chooses to stay in bed 24/7 and act the invalid.
I seem to have trouble finding a “good” man who will last through all the
trials and tribulations I have in my life.
Help!
Troubled Taurus
Dear Taurus,
This issue is near and dear my heart. I’m going to say some things that may piss people off, but I don’t care. No, this is not your destiny! But there is no man gonna ride in on a white horse and take care of this. You need to stage a revolution – and I mean, YOU. Because you are the only one who is going to get yourself out of this.
Now I know some ugly stories and I’ll you them. For one thing, my boyfriend’s sister just had a stroke. She took care of her kids and of her father until he passed late last year. Her kids are grown, but they never did wean off her, so guess what? After a life time of caring for other, there is now no one willing or able to care for her. I think she made a mistake. What do you think?
Here’s another. Old friend. Boyfriend, actually – on and off, for seventeen years. But we never could make it together and one reason is he just couldn’t extricate himself from his mother – nor would she let him go. Well, it’s nearly thirty years later and last I heard, his mother was dying. Too bad for him, because so busy taking care of her all these years, he forgot to form a peer relationship and when she’s goes, he’ll be alone.
One more story. Mine.
I also had a dependent mother. I cared for her from the time I was fifteen years old, until I was nearly thirty. I mean I supported her and the whole nine yards.
Now I managed to have a social life, and a sex life, but this sucked, like I don’t have to tell you, because you know. And I was right where you are. Wondering, if this was going to be my life.
Well, no. I went to therapy and a therapist told me my mother was not my responsibility.
“Huh? You sure about that?” I couldn’t believe it. No one ever told me that before. And when they did?
I saw a door and I decided to use it. It took me a year, but I got myself free, and now I’m telling you same. YOUR MOTHER IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. And I would write that 1000 times, or tape it to the mirror, or whatever you have to do, to internalize this as truth.
Now, very frankly, I doubt you will be able to get out of this mess, without support. I suggest you get yourself a therapist. This is per your chart, by the way. I think you would find therapy extremely helpful and if I were you, I would not fuck around. Dial ‘em up.
Briinnnnnnnnnng! Briiiiinnnng!
“Hi it’s me. I’m XX years old and taking care of my hypochondriac mother, along with two high maintenance children. What I really want is a man. Can you help me get out of this?”
First person who says, “yes” – get your ass down there, okay? Because I’m telling you, if you don’t odds are sky high, you’re going to manifest exactly the future you fear.
Good luck.
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