“I do think I am more easily disturbed then others,” I told the soldier.

(swearing below the break)
Continue reading Voice Of Mars: Political Correctness, Walking On Eggshells, Mars in Pure Form

“Guilty!” the soldier shouted. “Guil-ty!” he said. “I’ll say it is soon as I see the guy come in. That guy is guilty!”

He was imagining his time on a jury and I laughed.

“No, I’ll do it right. I’ll do a good job. Why don’t they pick me? Why can’t I get picked to be on a jury? Some guy says, I can’t do it, I have a hemorrhoid on ass!”

(swearing below the break)

Continue reading Voice Of Mars: Dreaming Of Jury Duty

“P, if I was a young man today, I’d not be getting laid at all. I’d just not be able to.”

“Why? You were a dashing young man,” I said.

“That doesn’t mean anything! If a man wants to get laid today he’s got to cry, have woman’s needs and read Cosmo.”

I laughed.

“Yeah, you have eat yogurt, have a bunch of feelings and make comments on clothing if you want to get laid these days and I just can’t see myself able to do that so I guess I’d be a young man with no pussy, there wouldn’t be anything I could do about it.”

“He was good man, not a great man but a good man. We were going through his locker and found a book where he wrote some poems. He probably wrote some poems for some of you bimbos out there…”

The soldier attended a funeral of one of his peers and this is part of the eulogy his commander gave… really.

The soldier couldn’t believe it. The guy’s mother was in the audience.

“P, you’ve got a dumb man. The dumbest,” the soldier explained.

“Tell me what you did.”

“Well I was in a McDonalds getting myself something to eat and there were these two girls in front of me, they are Asian. Girls, ladies, whatever. There were these two ladies in front of me and they said they’d have their food to go.”

“Uh huh.”
(swearing below the break)
Continue reading Voice Of Mars: EAT IN TAX

The other day I told the soldier I felt lonely and asked if he felt the same. He said he didn’t and explained he would if he didn’t have anyone. “But I’ve got a girl and a dog…” He added that he thought feeling lonely (when you had someone) was sort of a “woman thing”.

(swearing below the break)

Continue reading Voice Of Mars: Loneliness And The Psychiatrist

“You have so attracted women,” I said.

“Just you, P.”

“Wrong!” I named a woman who made a play for him.
(swearing below the break)
Continue reading Voice Of Mars: Attracting Women

“That was a nice thing to say, I guess I’ll marry you after all,” I said.

He laughed. “I’m not holding my breath.”

“Oh come on. You know I’m going to marry you, I’m just waiting for you to give the word. You know you have criteria you think should be met so I’m just waiting for you to hit your marks.”

“Pretty good cover story, P. I always say, best have your cover story ready.”

“Broke Knee to Crazy P! Broke Knee to Crazy P!” the soldier said on the phone.

“What is it Broke Knee? Another change? We got a wicked Moon coming to full. It’s a beast,” I said.

“We just had a full moon and Mercury flyin’!” (flyin’ = Rx in soldier speak)

“We did not! One full moon a month and Mercury… well yeah. Mercury had been flyin’”

“I hate when Mercury flies. Why does it fly so much? Someone ought to shoot that thing down!”

“Dora is there,” I told the soldier, she was lying dutifully at our feet.

“Ah, P, that dog is no good. She’s no good! If she’s not going to hunt a squirrel, the least she could do is get the newspaper!”

We don’t have a newspaper but I didn’t say anything because I was thinking of Dora’s little undersized front teeth which would have no hope of grabbing a newspaper.
Continue reading Voice Of Mars: Budget Drain