9
Voice Of Saturn Square The Moon… Goddess Speaks
Astrology in real life
Mom, frequent commenter, step parenting specialist, low carb eater and long term supporter of the Elsa blog, “goddess” aka Dixie Vogel writes:
All this talk of Saturn had me dividing the ages by 7 to if certain events in my life were hit by Saturn energy…And sure enough, Saturn had his “time-to-grow-up-Honey” hand in the pot many times over. My Saturn energy is tied up a lot in parenting. With a square to my moon, I guess you could say I’ve got Saturn Mommy Issues.
Starting with my own Mom, appropriately enough. She was a kid who couldn’t wait to grow up and, Bam! She did it triple-time. She hung out in bars at 14, having faked her birth certificate to get an ID. My mom got married at 14, and had her first child at 15. She was overweight, and married the first guy that seemed interested. She was in a hurry to grow up and get out of the house.
Continue reading Voice Of Saturn Square The Moon… Goddess Speaks
30
Her Fiance Does Not Set Boundaries for His Children: Astrology-Based Advice
Dear Elsa,
My fiance is a wonderful man. And we have a such a great relationship… except when it comes to his children. Michael and his ex-wife have done very little to set boundaries for the children - whether regarding bed times, what food they can eat (and when), their language, and their bad behavior during the rare times they don’t get their way, etc.
We’ve been together over 5 years; lived together over 3 years. And this past 3 years has been a roller coaster ride. It has been especially difficult with respect to my fiance’s daughter who is now 12. She has worked tirelessly to come between us, but I have hung in there - making adjustments where I could to expand my tolerance levels, avoiding any attempts to discipline his children, etc. Unfortunately, the behavior of my fiance’s children really concerns me with respect to my own 6 year old son.
The greatest hurdle for us has been the lack of discipline with his children. It is still very difficult for him to punish his children for anything. We have been working on this issue, but the result has been that when he does impose a consequence of any kind - or even simply tell his kids they need to respect something I just asked of them (which does NOT happen very often) - my fiance’s subsequent reaction is to get bitter and angry with me.
This is a pattern in our relationship. And though I love him, and though our life together when his children are not around is really good, this pattern has led me to feel uncomfortable when his children are in our home (which is every other weekend and a couple days during each week). I feel like I have to ignore everything they say and do, as I know my saying anything will probably leave me dealing with an angry, defensive fiance.
Do you have any suggestions for how to cope with this situation? Am I really supposed to be okay with this situation?
Struggling Fianc©
United States
Dear Struggling,
It doesn’t matter if I think you are supposed to be okay with this situation (I don’t) because the fact is, you are not okay with this situation. You have the chart of a very disciplined person, a strong parent and there is just no way you are going to be comfortable with children running amok and running the household.
Thing is, there is little you can do without your fiance’s willing cooperation and while it sounds as if he may be learning, he is certainly learning slowly - which is another thing you cannot control.
It is also common that people resent the person who shows up trying to achieve some kind of order when they are used to disorder. Who the hell are you to come in and rain on their parade? Last, you are outnumbered. It is you and your son (who I assume is like you) against these three mavericks so what to do?
Well you can ask and you’ve done that. You can set an example and you’ve done that too, so this leaves you to decide whether you can stick this out or not.
Can you tolerate the situation in the hopes it gets better - or alternately, can you tolerate this situation until his children are older and take off in their own direction? Because I really don’t think you are going to be able to be able to have much effect on the scenario without your fiance’s 100% support, which he is clearly not offering. In fact is sounds like the whole family is making you the bad guy and eventually, yeah. This is going to color the way your son sees you.
I am sorry but this sounds like there is incompatibility at a fundamental level and I would really recommend against marriage until and unless the two of you can come to some kind of agreement and show some solidarity for the sake of everyone involved.
Good luck.
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21
Her Husband Yells At Her and Calls Her Names When She Disciplines Her Step Son: Two T-Squares
Dear Elsa,
My stepson was 8 years old when my husband abandoned him after divorcing his mother. My husband realizes the damage he did to his son. You see, his son is 15 years old and has had emotional issues. I helped both father and son discuss the hurt and forget the past.
My stepson’s biological mother did not discipline him and he ran away from his Mom’s home. My stepson moved in with us and lived with us for a year until we got full custody. As a stepmom, my relationship with his son is good. Occasionally, my stepson disrespects us and does not obey the rules of the house. His father does not discipline his son - I usually do.
When I try to communicate to my stepson the wrong he has done, my husband does not support me. My question is: What should I do when my husband yells, argues, shouts, calls me names, when I am trying to discipline his son. And more important, what should I do when my husband exhibits this behavior in the presence of his son?
Thanks,
Stepmom
United States
Dear Stepmom,
It sounds like you have your hands full and it also sounds as if you like it that way. It seems you are very devoted and responsible to this family and I admire that. However, your husband is abusing you and to be honest, I think this is your number one problem.
Because your stepson is 15 years old! And a lot of kids have a lot of problems at that age. But it sounds like you’ve come into his life and he’s responding favorably to your care and concern, and your mature approach. So his prognosis seems pretty optimistic to me, where as your husband… well there is no excuse or rhyme or reason for him to yelling at you and calling you names. It’s got to stop. And I don’t care if his son is there to witness or not. That it irrelevant. The way he is treating you is not okay, period!
See I care about you. You are taking care of them, but who is taking care of you? Think about it.
But aside from that, it’s very clear you want to be where you’re at. So in support of that, I think your next step is to focus on your husband’s abusive behaviors. And as far as how you are going to deal with this, I don’t think I can design something superior to what you can come up with on your own. Because just look at your record with this family! It’s stout.
So I feel the best way I can support you is to tell you you’re doing a good thing and that it is admirable. Because astrologically, your chart is very challenging. And I don’t think you are going to be able to go anywhere else and have it any easier and I bet you agree with me. So just keep doing what you’re doing. But please turn your focus from your stepson to your husband, and don’t be afraid to call a battered woman’s shelter for support, information or advice. Or to get a counselor! Because you’re under a good deal of stress with these two, and everything you can do for yourself will help - not just yourself but everyone involved.
Good luck.
~~
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9
She Does Not Want Her Fiance’s Ex-Wife In Her House: Emphasis On The Cardinal Signs
Dear Elsa,
I’m engaged to a man with an ex-wife and two kids. When his kids came to my house to visit last summer, I made a request of him for the ex-wife not to come in my house. We agreed and everything was fine. When the kids arrived, we picked them up from the airport and brought them home. Per his court order, she had the right to “inspect” our house for the kids’ sake. I agreed and even gave her the tour. I told my fiance that from that point on, I was not going in her house and she was not to come back into mine. Again, he agreed.
She came to visit the kids while I’m at work and she comes in the house. He claims the kids invited her in but because he is the adult, he should have respected my wishes. Needless to say, when I found out I was pissed. I felt completely disrespected and ignored. So, we talked about it and he admitted that he didn’t think it was a reasonable request to begin with but said he would honor it in the future.
Then we go to visit his kids in their town. We go to pick the kids up at their house and the first thing he does is walk into her house because the kids invited him in. I purposely stayed by the car so that I didn’t have to put myself in the position to turn down an invitation into the house. He comes out and asks me to come in. I tell him flat out ‘NO’ but he treats me like I’m being unreasonable and I finally go inside.
Is my request unreasonable? I feel like I’m being completely disrespected and am ready to tell him to kiss off. When will he have the balls to stand up for what I want? Where does it end? I really need some unbiased advice.
Fiance
United States
Dear Fiance,
I don’t think your request is necessarily unreasonable but I also don’t think it’s wise. And I’ll explain but before I do, I want to say I’m not sure my opinion should matter. Because fact is, this is your boundary and a person’s boundaries ought to be respected. So you’ve drawn this line and all I can advise is you might re-think it… in light of how things are going, and also because this is driving you crazy.
So considering that, you might ask yourself why you don’t want this woman in your house. Because she is not just “the ex-wife”. She your fiance’s children’s mother and she will never be anything less. And fact is, children do frequently invite the other parent into their home. Because from the kid’s perspective, they are living two places! And it’s not that they are trying to cause a problem. For example, sometimes they have something they are proud of at one house, and they want to share with the other parent. So what if you prevent this?
Well just think about it. Everyone has follow the rules. Your rules! Everyone has to conform to your standard, less you’re going to be pissed. Do you really want to come across this way? To be seen like this?
Before you answer, ask yourself what benefit you derive. Do you get your fiancÆ’
2
Stepmother Struggles With Spoiled 10 Year Old Stepdaughter: Cancer Sun, Capricorn Moon
Dear Elsa,
I’ve been married a year and a half; my husband is good and all. I have a eighteen year old by a previous marriage and he really likes my husband. My husband has a ten year old girl; she doesn’t care if she has a relationship with me or not. I have went above and beyond as any of my friends would tell you. My husband’s best friend says she is the most spoiled girl he knows.
At Christmas, she quickly opened the presents and then asked what time it was and wanted to leave. I was not the “other woman” by any means. I would never do that. My question is how can I deal with the little girl? My husband is blind sighted by her. She would love to have him to herself again; it is making life miserable. On Christmas I hugged her and was so kind and had tons of gifts, but she didn’t hardly want to say bye. She is cold to my parents and son as well.
It’s like I could never know what it is I’m supposed to be doing to get her to like me. On the way home from Christmas with us, she told my husband she didn’t want to come again. He tried to talk to her about it. I told him that he should not make her think life is about her. That is my style of parenting. I believe you can spoil a little but also teach respect - and courtesy is so important.
I am worn out with trying planning to detach and rest. My husband is beginning to get resentful, I can feel it. I hate tension in the home but I am at wits end. Help.
Step Mom
Dear Step Mom,
Your stepdaughter sounds like a pain and I feel for you. However she seems to be acting in a way very typical for a girl her age and in her circumstances.
I understand what you want. You want these people to function in a way that is healthier; however, if they ever manage to do this, it will be in their own way and on their own time schedule and in fact the harder you push, the more resistance you are likely to meet.
And you mention your husband is becoming resentful so you have to start asking yourself at this point, what it is that you want. Do you want to keep him? Because if you do, you’re going to have to take a new tack. Because like it or not, this is their family system. This is how they operate and you should never underestimate the power of a family bond. Families don’t like outsiders telling them how to be!
See, he resents you and you resent his daughter. And if you wonder about that, just read your mail. On the surface you are buying her gifts… but beneath that, you have as much contempt for her as she does for you.
And you are building a case against her. Against a 10 year old! Not only will your friends support you, his friend will support you! And I don’t mention this to poke holes in you. I am trying to help you by showing you what you’re doing, so you can cease and desist and get your power back. Because you are an adult woman! And you do not need to be battling a 10 year old girl! So here’s another plan… for your Capricorn Moon who likes them.
Forget about fighting this girl. Forget about convincing your husband his daughter sucks and forget about telling him how he ought to parent. And it’s not because I don’t agree with you, because I do! It’s because it’s not working!
Focus instead on setting an example. Be an incredible adult role model. Refuse to be dragged down. Leave the house if you must. Anything to resist your urge… your compulsion to control the way these people act. Your stepdaughter will have a heck of a time getting to you when she doesn’t get to you, huh?
And as an added bonus, if you can manage this, not only will be much happier, your sense of who you are will be more solid which will increase your attractiveness as a human being ten-fold. So you get the idea. Stop doing something that doesn’t work and start doing something that will. If you change, they’ll change. This is a law of nature.
Good luck.
~~
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1
The Son, The Father, The Boyfriend - What To Do?
Dear Elsa,
I was a single mother to an adorable son for the past 4 years. My child’s father and I were involved in a very long relationship that surpassed the six year mark, and was very troublesome.
I just now got myself involved in a very loving relationship with my fiancÆ’
Dear Middle,
I like your heart and I agree with you completely. You are very strong and I hope this support from the outside helps you be even stronger. Since you already know what you want and need to do, I’m just going to shore you up.
I agree you do not throw people away… especially your child’s father because he is not in the best shape today. Today is not tomorrow or next week or next year. And that is his son. He is the father and you are the mother, so everyone else is just going to have to deal.
Your family is going to have to accept and comprehend the fact you are an adult now, and you will run your life according to your innards. You don’t need to be disrespectful though. ‘I appreciate your input, but I have decided to do a, b and c…” And then do it. They’ll adjust. Same with the boyfriend.
Now I understand why and how this is dicey. You’re from a machismo culture and I am sure your new man wants to be rid of all remnants of your old man. He’s the new King. He’s the new rooster. And I forgive him this, to an extent, okay? Because I like machismo-type men, but also because he does not have children, so he is naÆ’
6
She’s Contacted Her Son’s Bio-Dad, Needs To Tell His Step Dad: Pisces
Dearest Elsa,
I’ve been divorced for a few years now.
When I married, I was a single parent and my son’s biological father was not in the picture. My new husband became my son’s step-father. All along whenever my son had questions about bio-dad, I gave him answers. With my answers I always tried not to give more info than he was asking for, and at the same time give a loving and respectful picture of where he came from. My husband respected this and has always let him know that he loved and supported him.
Since the divorce, my son has been more interested in finding out about his bio-dad (he’s also nearly sixteen). After much discussion, we decided to see if we could find out. We talked at length about the possibility that “at some point” he might be interested in contacting his bio-dad. He is clear about already having a “dad”, but open to the idea of having some sort of relationship with his bio-dad.
It has come to the point where I found out where his bio-dad lives and made contact. Through phone and emails, he and I have caught up and are feeling pretty positive about the healing that is taking place between us (outside of the obvious parental issue). My son then decided he was comfortable getting to know him one-on-one in email. They have had some chatty emails and my son reports feeling really relaxed about it.
I’ve been very aware that the stakes are really high. I want to be protective of my son’s feelings while encouraging his fulfilling the need to know. Here is the problem: I haven’t told my ex-husband. I didn’t want to open the subject until there was something to tell. I suspect he may be angry that I’ve made what amounts to a huge parenting decision without him. It’s possible he might also have some fear of rejection or alienation. I need to do this soon before he feels really left out of the loop.
Do I need to be the emotional lightning rod and try to field all the fall-out, or do I relay the information and let the chips fall where they may? He’s my ex-husband and I have a hard enough time communicating with him about subjects that aren’t so hugely emotionally charged. I’m very apprehensive about the fall-out of his anger but I don’t think he would take it out on my son in any way. I don’t want to be controlling and would really like to have this out on the table. My son - our son, the son in question - is old enough to make life decisions but young enough to still need his parents.
Can you give me any insight into how best to handle this? I really want to act with integrity.
Thanks,
Wanting to Do the Right Thing
Dear Wanting,
Congratulations on successfully navigating such a delicate situation to this point. You sound incredibly sincere and well intentioned. You sound as if you are acting from the heart, in as thoughtful a manner as possible, so you can be proud of that and further, this is really all you can do.
I appreciate your fear around your ex-husband’s reaction but his reaction is out of your control. However, as smart as you are, there are some subtle adjustments you can make before you speak with him that may help tilt the scales in your direction and make it more likely he absorbs this news without lashing out.
On that, I would look at your language. “Let the chips fall” suggests a cavalier attitude. You know. Roll the dice and fuck it! It is what it is! But I don’t think this is your best play.
See, right now you’re winning. What you’ve successfully orchestrated here… the opportunity for your son and his bio-dad to come together and heal, is incredible. And you managed this by being cautious and sensitive - so I think you’d be well advised to keep doing what you’re doing.
See, to contact the bio-dad Ms. Pisces, you had to transcend your feelings about the past interaction between the two of you. Can you do the same with your ex-husband? I think you should try.
Because if you “let the chips fall” and they fall badly, you may have regrets. But if you continue to act with the utmost integrity and heart… well, then it won’t matter what he does. You will be able to look in the mirror and know you did your best.
If you want a clear picture of where you’re going off track, re-read your post. You’re all good until the last paragraph when you write about your ex-husband. And if I figure if you can forgive the bio-dad, it’s only a matter of time before you do the same with your ex-husband. So how about you rush that process and get yourself a Grand Slam here? Because it sounds like you’ve done a stellar job for sixteen years. No need to drop the ball now.
Good luck.
~~
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10
Pisces Stepmother Struggles With Stepdaughter
Hi Elsa!
A few months ago I moved in with my boyfriend. He has full custody of his nine year old daughter, and I of my two-and-a-half year old daughter.
I am having some major problems getting along and dealing with his daughter. To be completely frank, I think she is a spoiled, disrespectful, manipulative brat! She doesn’t think she needs to listen to me because I’m not her mother. She contradicts everything I say. She treats my daughter very poorly - taking things away from her, yelling at her, threatening her. I am at my wit’s end with her and my boyfriend is not supporting me with this. He thinks we just need to try to get along.
I am wondering if you have any advice on how I can solve my dilemma.
Thank you,
Pisces Living in Hell
Dear Pisces,
I could go and on I’m sure, but bottom line: if this girl’s father is not going to get involved, you don’t have a hope in hell of solving this. She will just keep doing what she is doing until you give up and move away. Seriously, there is no way to win.
And if you think about it, your problem is not really with HER - it is with HIM. He sounds completely ineffectual at best, but it may be even uglier. To me, he sounds passive aggressive as he allows his daughter to pick fights with you, and to pick on your daughter while he stands by whining, “why can’t we all just get along?”
If this is what he wants to happen, then why doesn’t he take some action? Instead, he is letting his nine year old act out the family anger, while he stands there, clean as a whistle. Sorry, maaan. I don’t buy it.
See, the girl’s chart is pretty good. I don’t think she is a bitch on wheels, or particularly devious or anything like that. She’s a little girl with a pretty good chart… who wants her daddy to herself, which is normal. And here you show up to compete - with a cute little baby to boot - and the fact there is going to be a problem is a given.
But it’s a problem only Daddy can solve, so this is where I would focus if I were you. Is he or is he not going to step up to the plate? Good luck.
~~
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