I am glad I wrote the post about my cold or at least much cooler nature. I’ve since come to really understand the rhyme and reason for the path I am on.  I will use a gross example as to why it is necessary and wise to detach and steel myself at this time which frankly, is not my strong suit. I am a deeply emotional person but get this and get it loud and clear: I have lost my daughter.

Continue reading Saturn Uranus Transit To The Moon - Mine: Detaching And Reining In Emotion

Heather writes on Strength, Weakness, Projection and Crap

“I grieve for Mosta and Vid and you and the soldier for the loss of those dreams, but I’m so thankful to have had a small piece of your daughter through Mosta quotes and her beautiful smile that shows through her eyes in every picture…”

This is very strange thing and it came up in another form this weekend.  It has to do with loss in a void… it’s very personal and because of this comment, I’m going to explain.

I started writing online in 2000 and introduced my daughter as “Mostacciolia” (her chosen screen name) in 2001 when she  5. My daughter is inordinately bright, she is arguably a genius having tested in the 99% percentile and she like everyone else in my family, the girl has a mouth on her.

Continue reading Pluto Transit To The Moon - Mine: My Daughter, The Loss You Can’t See

I’ve written a few times about the challenge of not falling into the abyss due the trauma of losing my daughter.  I have tried to navigate the best I can and now with Pluto fixing the turn direct, the loss is being hammered home and it’s occurred to me I’d be well advised to make some kind of pivot here, but how?   Just exactly how can I move beyond a state where I walk around in stupor mumbling, “How does something like this happen? How could it?”

You may or may not know the soldier has lost not one but two daughters. He has come to the obvious conclusion he was not meant to have a daughter and in fact when we started to come together, he thought he might get a third chance. He thought my daughter could be his daughter and we could raise her together but as you can see this is not how it played and the loss to him is staggering - He just does not get to have a daughter this life and that is all there is to it.

Continue reading Pluto Transit To The Moon - Mine: How Do You Move Towards Resolution Post A Traumatic Event?

llama writes on Pluto Moon Back To School Night…

Sometimes, especially with grief, etc., when people DO talk you wish they hadn’t. Better for them to say nothing than say something callous because they don’t know what to say.

llama, this is a very good point. A lot of people who commented thought these people should have said something to me and they might have but I can’t say I wish they would have. It was very emotional for me going into this new version of my daughter’s old school because I had such high hopes for her. She did eventually test in the 99th percentile - the girl is a bonafide genius and it was just never supposed to turn out like it has.
Continue reading Pluto Transit To The Moon - Mine: How To Help People Dealing With Loss And Trauma

Lynn writes regarding my idea that all problems are resolved through the 12th house:

“I know from personal experience that when I pass to the 12th house without the full gut- wrenching turn of the wheel I know that someone or something will remind me that I may have thrown away the key to that karmic chapter in my life but the window is still open!

How do you know when it’s over? That it’s due for the 12th house or whether it’s one more go round the block?”

Lynn - Hi (I think you are new) and thanks for this. That’s a great question but the part about the window still being open is something that occurred to me that I had left out.

For example the fact you accept a relationship is gone does not mean it does not, will not, cannot come back into being!  There (probably) really is no end.  The relationship may come back in this life or in the next or the next after that.  The possibilities are endless and this is the 12^th house defined. Faith! Don’t worry, the universe has your back!

 ”How do you know when it’s over?”

In my case, I find out something is over when it comes to me on the wind. That’s what I call things that just flow in. I have no idea where it comes from but in my case the release is never gut-wrenching because I am in the 11^th house before I hit the 12^th. I am detached, that is. In preparation.

Can anyone add to this?

pictured: Neptune’s Steeds, Walter Crane, 1892

Continuing to blather on the Church’s Fried Chicken Girl, I’ll just state this for the record: The soldier never did me dirty when we were kids and I returned the favor. Never once did we fight dirty, never once did we say, “I don’t love you” or any other nasty thing. Neither of us cheated or betrayed each other in any way… nor did either of us feel we were betrayed.

I think this is enormously meaningful (and unusual) and it’s relevant in the moment because one thing I am acutely aware since the soldier moved in (and then really moved in) is that we are utterly repeating everything.
Continue reading Astrology And Psychology: Saturn Defeats Compulsion To Repeat Traumatic Experience

A regular reader emailed in concern after I made a comment… this is what I said in part:

“… I am losing like a mf, I am taking losses I can and will never recover from but they are simply not on this front.”

I was cautioned to not make statements as you risk writing your own ticket and I while I agree in principal, in this case I chose my words quickly and believe I was misunderstood. I decided to put this up to clarify in case anyone else read that comment and had similar concern.

I explained to the person who wrote me that if I were to lose my daughter I would go on. I would continue to do the very best I could as I have done since I was 5 years old but I would never recover the loss. I would and could accept it but to actually ‘get over” the loss of a child I am pretty sure you would have to have a screw loose.

pictured : Rinaldo Abandons Armida, Giovanni Battista Tiepolo, 18th century, oil on canvas, detail of grieving woman

marie writes on the Pluto Transit To The Moon: Mine - Losing a Child blog:

“Can a transit portend the loss of a child, Elsa? I try not to obsess about this. When you lose a child or have a child who is gravely ill, you seek a reason for the curse because the pain is so unbearable. During a 5 month period, my sister’s only child drowned in a freak accident and my 6 year old son (also an only child) was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was discovered by accident - he had presented no symptoms whatsoever.