You may wonder why I write this stuff down, why I tell you these stories or you may know depending on who you are. I write and write and write and I do it for a lot of reasons. For one I feel compelled. I feel compelled to share and to give but like I stated in that video a few days ago, I understand that just because I think something is a gift does not mean other people agree.

Surely there are large numbers who DO NOT agree and of the people who DO agree, I have no way of knowing what posts they like or value.
Continue reading Astrology Blogging… Faith And Destiny

Kingsley wrote:

“I think you mentioned the twelfth house previously Elsa. Things come from out of the blue in the twelfth. Its hard to say what might be “going on” in that hidden house. All will be revealed when one planet after the other crosses the ascendant.

I guess you will have to trust your instincts or react to a script in life.”

The stellium does fall in my 12th house and I feel, Little Match Girl-esque. A 12th house full of Capricorn is a Saturn Neptune exchange. I already have a strong Saturn Neptune signature natally now exacerbated by the current sky and it’s really something to behold.

I can kiss reality goodbye, that’s for sure but what about that Little Match Girl? What does she do exist so that others may think and feel things that have nothing to do with her?. And what is her problem anyway? Her problem is not defined. Her reality is not defined.

Reality surrounds her (it’s cold!) but it is irrelevant even as it takes her life.

“That got me a gun in my mouth,” I said.

“Gun in your mouth?”

“Yeah,” I said putting my finger in my mouth, up against the roof. “Like this. You know. Gun in your mouth?” I said with a smirk. “What? Like you don’t know what a gun in the mouth is?”

He stared. “What a piece of shit.”

“Yeah, well he didn’t feel like going to prison. You know, prison? These guys don’t like to go. They aren’t going to prision so there is no question in a situation like this. They don’t want me saying anything so it’s explained to me pretty clearly that the whole back of my head will come off.”

He shook his head.

“Yeah, whatever,” I said. “You’ve had a life yourself so don’t look at me about it. I am not the princess and the pea. Am I? No, I’m not.”

Mars Mercury… gun in mouth.

Kingsley wrote on, “Just What Makes You Tick, Panizzon?“….

“The soldier seems to have an air of authority in the bath tub Elsa. It does sound like one of those six week - workshop kind of questions “what makes you tick”. Maybe its best if he doesn’t know and leaves that piece of work up to you?”

Continue reading One Of The Things That Makes Me Tick… More Than One For The Keen

The soldier and I planned to watch a movie last night that was sure to stir his emotion as it depicts a real battle that he was part of. I watched the movie 5 years ago when we first started talking but we have postponed watching it together because it’s just so intense.

This was the agenda for the evening and in the afternoon the box of pictures landed which did not impact him the way they did me probably because he has sense but in any case eventually it was time to watch the movie.

“Come on, P, let’s watch this,” he said with the movie in his hand, obviously stirred. “I don’t know how much I am going to like seeing this,” he said.

“I know but listen. Are we going to put that movie in and deal with your feelings right now? Should we not do something to resolve mine first?”

“P, your feelings are complex. It would take 50 years and a team of motherfuckers… I mean it would take a team of educated bastards and they still wouldn’t get anywhere near resolving your feelings or figuring you out.”

I was quiet because it was impossible to argue. Shades of the Little Match Girl.

Are there things or feelings in your life you just can’t resolve?

Reading over the post about the path I didn’t take and it seems I wrote it in more code than I intended.  I was talking to a pal an hour later and made it a lot plainer to her.

I told her the soldier told me some outrageous tales when we were kids.  They were outrageous but somehow they were (possibly) credible.   They were possibly incredible too but in whatever case there was no way to completely discount him. It was just not possible to say,  oh that will never happen. I couldn’t say, oh he’ll never do that because he was just too serious of mind plus he knew too much and had too many details.

This meant to sign on with him was to commit to a destiny that was daunting and went way beyond Special Forces. Special Forces was just something he felt he had to do but as this story comes together in my mind, I recall he never said he would or wanted to make a career of it. Perhaps he just needed the skills he would pick up there so he could apply them to achieving his real ambition? It is beginning to look this way to me as all the threads are beginning to weave themselves into something recognizable.

Continue reading The Saturn Return Of The Soldier And P - The Path Redux… I Am Still Daunted

I never finished writing about that mammoth fight the soldier and I had on our “Little Match Girl” weekend. (Little Match Girl who smacks of the Plantain Girl)

That was also the weekend we discussed my ex-boyfriends club and I just got Jupiter-ed out on that I guess. The story grew out of bounds but I was reminded of it today when I was writing the soldiers’ son.

I was trying to make a point and it became necessary I recount the story of the blond girl - the blond girl who was bothering the soldier in the motel laundry as he tried to wash his truck driving clothes.

As a matter of fact she was doing things with her “unmentionables”, as he called them. Not knowing I existed, she was displaying them for him and he was becoming increasingly flustered.

Continue reading The Plantain Girl, The Little Match Girl And The Blond In The Laundry I Had To Slaughter Due Her Panties

Two nights ago on the phone with the soldier…

“I was talking to La, La, La Lara and I asked her about the Little Match Girl,” I said. “She’s familiar with these stories and I wanted to know what she made of the fact you associated her with me.”

“What did she tell you?”

“She said what it conjured up in her mind was probably different from what you meant. So what did you mean anyway? Why do you associate me with the Little Match Girl?”

“Well I’ll tell you what I think and then you tell me what La La thought.”

Continue reading The Soldier, The Little Match Girl… And P

Now in the midst of this intense fight and the 2 hour long discussion of my club… the interaction with the gay man and the blond that has yet to be introduced, the soldier mentioned this new fact - he associates me with the Little Match Girl.

I was not too happy when he told me because I was overwhelmed as it was after 24 hours of intense process but I did get up and quick-read the thing which made me cry, but not profusely because I did not process it at the time.
Continue reading Open Question: The Little Match Girl - Who Is She And What Does She Represent?

“There is no way I will ever be in that club,” the soldier said regarding the club my ex-boyfriends have and they do have one. “I don’t care what happens between me and you, I will not join that club.”

I stared. “I know that.”

“I may go to one meeting,” he said, shocking me.

“You’re going to go to a meeting with them?” I was stupefied. He knows how I feel about my club. I have no idea why these men decide they are going to best friends with each other when they break up with me but it happens and it happens routinely. “You’re going to a meeting with them?”

Continue reading The Ex-Boyfriend’s Club And The Little Match Girl - Are You Confused Yet?