The soldier and I talking…

“Well let’s face it. You’re always around gay people. Gay men that is and they do like you. And not all of them are mixed up. I can think of one who sized you up completely and furthermore, exploited his findings.”

He was surprised. ‘Who, P?”

“That cross dresser. The one that hired you.”

“Oh, him. He sized me up you think?”

“Absolutely. That guy liked to dress up in his clothes and walk to his bar. You told me they had a place where they all hung out.”

“Yeah, they did.” Continue reading The Soldier and the Cross Dresser: Men Hunting Men and Scorpio Exchange Of Energy

The soldier and I were discussing something and I asked, “Why?”

“Well I’m a man, P. A man who has not been feminized,” he said.

“I know and I like it. And obviously these gay boys like it as well because they sure chase you. You realize this didn’t just start. You’re just becoming aware of it but I’m sure gay men have been sniffing around you all your life.”

“Now why is that? Why would that be? Why me?”

“Well gay men like men. They lovvvvve men the same way I love men. This is very easy to understand. It is easy for me to see what drives a gay man because it’s the same thing that drives me. We want a man!”

“Yeah but don’t women want a man?”

“No, not so much. Some of them do but most of them don’t, at least this is how it appears to me.”

“Women don’t want a man? Well what do they want then?” he asked.

“A lot of them want a wallet,” I said with a snort. “Yeah. They don’t want a man. They get one because that’s what comes with the wallet unfortunately. Damn. What a bother. They want to shop and to hell with the man. And there are other scenarios. For example a lot of women want a baby not a man. They want someone they can mother or boss around. Or some of them just want sperm so they can make a baby. There are all kinds of things women want but I’d say it’s a minority of women who actually want a man, a man they can’t control and run his life. Because if they did want a man, why would they take all these steps to emasculate a man when they get one which you constantly see?

“Women do go out of their way to emasculate men,” he said. “I see that over and over. Why do they do that?”

“I don’t know. I think its insanity because if you actually want a man it’s the quickest way in the world to get rid of one. But never mind that. What do we care? You’re a man; I want a man so we’re in business. And the gay boys? Well they want a man too. And you better believe they recognize one so you are always going to attract them in droves. There’s just no way you’re going to go out there and be overlooked by gay men, and women? Well you’re pretty much fantasy material, I’d say. Not that many women want to deal with a man like you in actuality. You are just too challenging day to day but don’t feel bad. No one wants to deal with me either… for the same reason,” I said with a snort. “But I like us. We’re both constant trouble and fun.”

So here’s the Mars (Aries) Mercury portion of the conversation, along with the ever-present 8th house.

“Hey, we never rode in a car,” he said. “I never wanted a car. I liked the motorcycle. I didn’t get a car until I got a kid. If you have a kid, then you’ve got to have a car.”

“Yep. And I know that. I mentioned that, actually, to Scott. I told him I never rode in a car with you that I could especially remember. Maybe once. So you and I were something different.”

“Yeah, we went everywhere on the bikes. We zoomed everywhere on those bikes all the time. Zoom.”

“Yeah.

“Let’s go to the movies! We’d zoom there on the bikes! Let’s go here. Let’s go there. Zoom! Zoom on the bikes! We need some groceries. Better get on the bikes and go to the store. Let’s zoom there! Do you remember getting groceries on the bikes? You’d ride with one hand on the handlebar and the other holding a bag of groceries. Remember that?”

“Oh yeah. I do remember that, now.”

“Well we definitely got around. You in your yellow pants and that green flight jacket. Zoom!”

“I know.” I tried to remember if I had any pants besides the yellow ones since he’s mentioned them several times and I wasn’t sure. I was a one-pair-of-pants-from-Goodwill kind of girl back then, sort of. I figured I must have had another pair of pants, but definitely favored the yellow ones so probably made a point to wear them when he was around. You know. Wear your ugly pants when your man is not around, right? Hah!

“And you don’t realize at the time how strange it is. It wasn’t normal, Els. Some of the shit we pulled. Like moving you into the barracks.”

“Right. How foolish,” I said with a chuckle. “What were we thinking?” I asked, knowing exactly what we were thinking.

“And that other stunt. Do you know what a Washington Post reporter would have given to have an opportunity like that?” he asked. “I mean, do you realize? A Washington Post reporter would have given just about anything to have the chance to infiltrate something like that so deeply.”

“I know. And I was an idiot kid. A 17 year old. And can you think of anything more testosterone than that? I can’t. But by now, you can see it’s not that strange. This is what I do. I am drawn to this kind of thing. Where ever I’m not supposed to be, I want to be there. Because look what happens. Next thing you know, its a few years later and I dress up like a gay man. And I go out like that because I want to know what’s going on. I wanted to check it out.”

He laughed.

“And who else would do that? Who but me would pull that kind of crap? What woman is going to pretend she’s a man and go out in this environment? But I wanted to do that. Boy did I ever. You could not have stopped me by any means because obviously, this is what I do. And it must be what I am supposed to do since I’ve been doing it my whole life. Winding up all these places I don’t belong.”

I debate exposing the root of why this is, but decide not to in the matter of a half a second. “I’m supposed to know this stuff I guess,” I said. “I sure like it. And it always has to do with men. I sure like men.”

“I know.”

“I really do like men. I am interested in them. I am interested in men, like no one could believe. Like crazy, actually. What is more interesting than men? Nothing I can imagine.”

To be continued.

I was talking to Ben today on the phone. Another stop on my Saturn transit Venus tour of my relationships. We’ve known each other for 20 years:

“Well we turned out okay. We’re all really good people,” I said.

“I try to be a good person. In the end, I guess we made it.”

“No. Well you are a good person, but you always were. You probably don’t know that, but back when we first met you were already a good person. You were a very good friend. You were a great friend to me. You were always very sensitive with me…about everything. You were always good to me, all the time. As good as a person could possibly be.”

“I’m very glad to hear that.”

“Yeah. Well that’s what you were…who you were. And you exposed me to art! This is what you need, you said. So you took care of that.”

“I’m glad, Elsa. I’m glad. When I was a kid I used to look in the mirror and pray to God I would be a good person.”

“Well you are.”

“That’s good. I am glad I’ve achieved that. But I have to go now. I’m dog-sitting and my house is dirty.”

“Bye.”

“Bye Elsa, we’ll talk again soon.”

Click.

These Scorpios. They all think they’re repulsive. It seems universal. In Ben’s case…well he’s biracial and he’s gay. He grew up persecuted as I am sure some of you can imagine. And it’s amazing how deep the wound. It is also amazing how deep the healing when it takes place.

I can imagine Ben as a little boy standing there in the mirror, knowing he’s inside out (gay) in a world that is mostly otherwise. He had to be wondering how he could possibly redeem himself, being as he was “sin” personified. The ugliest stories are always the most beautiful, aren’t they?

Dear Fourteen,

Yes, absolutely. I definitely think you will be able to sustain a healthy and prolonged relationship. You are exactly on track to this end with what you’re doing right now. That is, you are discovering yourself. And I can help with that. But not that much. Because you’re doing such a good job already…

First, you’re a Libra. You’ve got several planets in Libra, so you are automatically going to want to be in a relationship. You want to relate to another as opposed to being a loner - and this is reflected in your mail.

Secondly, you have a Scorpio Moon conjunct Pluto which is where your intense feelings come from. Where your Libra Sun just wants a pleasant interaction with another, wants to be partnered… your Scorpio Moon requires intense connection, otherwise you’re hungry. In other words, you have a great appetite for significant intimate connection. And these two things do not conflict. You only need find a partner with similar needs.

So that’s the nuts and bolts. Obviously there are other influences and parts of your character. There are layers and layers of nuance which you will uncover and discover via interaction with other people…which is your main gig. And if you go back up and read your post you will see how utterly on track you are. You know what would worry me?

I would worry if you were saying you were going to swear off relationships and go live in a cave! Then I would know you were off track. But as is, you seem to have a very healthy awareness of what you’re interested in this life, so I say - Carry on!

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Dear Starved.

It is always darkest before the dawn, this is a universal truth. I am sorry I have sat on your post for more than a week, but good God, girl. This is a lot to process. And I know your pain is real. It is reflected in your chart in ways that are unmistakable. You are you, and this is your experience on this plane. However I do detect a few things that may help you move through some of this.

Number one, though based on your chart, I would consider you a true anomaly, I do not believe that there are people out there with whom no one is compatible. And what you need is a partner. Someone to touch you, to hold you, to help you tame the beast. And there are scads of people out there who can do this. People who love to do this. They are looking for someone just like you. Someone intense. Someone “meaty” if you will. So why aren’t you hooking up?

Well you tipped your hand when you mentioned the taboo and the fact you are trying to partner with people who cannot accept their own sexuality. Lesbians, I presume. So what the fuck? Isn’t this a choice? Aren’t you choosing these women, over the women out there who are comfortable with their sex? Aren’t you choosing this pain?

Fact is, you have access to unlimited energy for good or ill. How about using your energy in your own best interest? For starters, swear off women who don’t know what they want. PERIOD. Been there, done that for godsakes!

Instead, focus instead on finding someone who can not only deal with your ilk, but craves your depth. Because she is out there. You just have flip some switches here. You have decide you’ve been hungry long enough, you know? It’s your survival now, right?

So start cutting through the chaff, why don’t you? Because if you’re honest, you will admit and own the fact you can tell chaff from wheat, a mile away.

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Here’s another story about Kay (a real person with a fake name) - a double Aquarius gal I used to run with.

We were out for the evening downtown, which is a walking around situation. You park the car and walk from here to there and everywhere. Kay had to pee so we stopped into a little bar we’d never been in before, and made our way through it to the restrooms in the back.

It was a small place, both the bar and the restroom. In fact, it was a one-seater in there, so she went in, while I waited outside restroom door… and got talking to a man standing nearby who was great distress.

Now I’m not kidding. His sky was really falling and it was comical to me because he was very theatrical. He was so theatrical it occurred to me he may be doing some kind of drama class assignment. You know. He was telling me he was in big, big trouble because of this one event. He was frightened that because of this one thing had happened; many other horrible things were going to occur, sort of like dominos falling.

Wanna know his problem? His car wouldn’t start.

Yeah, that was it. That was his problem. Or maybe it was his friend’s car, but whatever the details, he was in high distress. And he had to be about 27-28 years old so this was especially humorous to me.

“Do you need a jump?” I asked. “I have cables.”

“Cables?”

“Yeah.”

“You know how to do that?” he asked. “You know how to start a car with those? Where to put them and stuff?”

I laughed. “Yeah. Are you kidding? Where’s your car?”

“You’re gonna help me?” he asked. He was flabbergasted.

“Of course! My friend has to pee and then we’ll give you a jump. Where’s your car?”

He said it was right outside in the parking lot. He reminded me it wouldn’t start. You know. This was his problem. He thought I might have misunderstood.

I laughed. “I know. That’s okay. We can get it started.” I told him my car was parked a few blocks away. “I’ll have to go get it,” I said. ‘When my friend gets out of there,” I added, pointing at the restroom door.

“You’ll do that? You’ll go get your car?”

“Of course. I’m not going to leave you here needing a jump, for chrissakes.”

He shook his head. Actually his head quivered on his neck. He looked like he’d won the lottery or something. He looked as if he’d be willing to kiss my ring if that’s what it would take.

Kay came out of the restroom. “We have to go get the car,” I said. “This guy needs a jump.”

“Great!” she said happily. “We were looking for something to do,” she said with an enormous grin.

The guy stepped back from us. He thought we were weird, but what could he do? He was desperate.

I told him to go to his car and wait. He reminded me where he was parked.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Don’t worry. Just wait for us. I’ll you tell what. We’ll run. How about that? We’ll run and get the car. What’d you think, Kay? Do you mind running to the car, so this guy doesn’t have to worry?”

“Well usually I would mind that,” she said. “But for him? He’s pretty cute. I’ll do it.”

I roared. “Okay then. We’ll be there and we’ll be there fast. Go wait. And don’t worry, okay?”

We got the car, pulled around and into the parking lot. We got there fast, but he was standing next to another man and they are both fretting anyway. I thought they were kind of precious. I was driving. Kay popped out of the car.

“Pop the hood!” She said.

“Uh… do you know how to do that?” one of then asked.

She didn’t miss a beat. “Well yes I do, young man! I used to live on a farm!”

I started to laugh. Kay had not been on a farm since she was five or six years old. She got the hood up and the men were amazed. They were oohing and ahhhing and I was laughing so hard my chest hurt. Kay got busy hooking up the cables.

“What are you boys out doing tonight anyway?” she asked.

They explained they had just seen the new Van Damme movie….and then we got a full critique.

Kay opened her mouth to an O like this: :-0 - I snorted laughing.

“Elsa, I think these boys are gay!” she said with a wink and a big grin.

“Well, we are gay” said boy number two. “How did you know?”

I was laughing way too hard to speak. Kay answered, “No reason. I’m pretty good at guessing things. You can learn all kinds of stuff on a farm. Don’t worry. We like gay men. I guess you can tell that, huh?”

They took a step back in tandem and I almost choked, laughing.

“Have either of you ever been on a farm?” she said?

No response.

With the cables connected, I asked them to turn the key.

“Nothing is going to explode?” the first boy asked.

“No…it’s okay. We know what we’re doing.” I said.

Kay bent her arm to show her muscles. These guys were TOTALLY BUFF where she was not, so it was especially funny. The engine roared to life and the two boys cheered. Kay unhooked the cables, and slammed the hood of the car down firmly.

“Well that’s it! Let’s get these boys on the road!” she said.

On that, I feel out of driver’s side seat, on to the pavement, to sit with my head in my hands laughing. The boys drove off, giving a honk and wave at the edge of the parking lot.

Kay looked over at me. “We ain’t gonna top that tonight, Elsa. Let’s go home.”

Scorpio (Ben) and the 8th house (me) are known to be attracted to anything taboo. Whatever you’re not supposed to know - you want to know it. Whatever you’re not supposed to do, must of course be done. Er…leave no stone unturned.

We were on the phone, wrapping up after two hours…

“Thanks for the chat, Ben.”

“Well thank you, Elsa!” he said. “Though I have to say, it was more satisfying for me than it was for you.”.

“Really?” I asked.

“Well, yeah. I got more information out of you than you did out of me.”

I snorted. “Hey Ben. Are you a Scorpio?”

~~

A few days later, we were talking again. One time we dressed me up as a man, so I could go out with him and see gay men in their “habitat”. I still can’t believe I talked him into this, but I did. And then a dozen years passed. We were on the phone, and I was reading him something I’d written about some odd-ish thing I’d done.

“Remember that night we went out?” I asked.

“Why would I know anything about that?” he said

I just laughed.

But it came up again some months down the road:

“I still can’t believe I did that. I’m amazed,” he said.

“I’m glad you did.”

“I am glad I did too. I don’t know if I could do it again though. That was a one time thing.”

“That’s what you said then.”

He laughed. “Well I meant it. Once and never again! You got a lot out of that, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I am glad you did, because that was hard for me to do.”

“Uh huh.”

We were both quiet and I took the opportunity to think back. I had worked him for weeks. For years, really.

See, we used to talk about his gayness all the time. I was in my young twenties and completely enthralled. We talked until we were blue, about things people never ever talk about, but then I got hung up on this habitat idea and I was just hell bent.

Because Ben had shared his experience with me. He shared his perceptions of various nuance of his gay life to the nth degree. Mostly around the fact there is no estrogen in the equation. And this was fascinating to me.It was access to something I have no access to, right? Because as soon as I get there, what am I? I’m Estrogen!

So anyway, I was rabidly curious and after awhile, what he was offering was just not enough. I wanted to witness! I wanted to experience what he did, firsthand so I could have my own perceptions and an idea began to percolate.

See, Ben had had drawn conclusions, but I wanted to draw my own. And once I had the thought, I was after him like some kind of pit bull to deliver me this opportunity…which believe me, he thought was completely outrageous and out of the question, at least initially.

It was outrageous. And I could plainly understand this, but for some reason, I just kept pushing. I had a whole explanation; of course. I had no trouble articulating why I thought this should happen… why I thought he should expose me to his world. Like this:

“Just tell me one reason, why.”

“Well Ben, I can a lot more than one reason. I can think of many reasons. What I can’t think of is any reason not to do this…” And from there, I would explain and he would listen. I was talking to his Aquarius for the most part. The social experiment - progressive factor of my idea.

And I made sense. I almost always make sense if you pay attention to me and eventually a crack in his faÆ’

Getting Elsa Off The Job - Part Three

Back in the kitchen, Ben asked, “Who is that?”

“That’s Scott.”

“You like him, I can tell.”

“Yeah.”

“There must be something about him.”

“Yep.”

He walked in a circle around me. He was checking all angles and it made me laugh.

“Well I wonder what it is. I’ve seen you, but I’ve not seen you like this. How intriguing. Elsa’s morsel. He told me he’s known you since you were fifteen.”

Oh crap, they did talk. “Yeah, that’s right,” I said.

“Was he fifteen too?” he asked, a Scorpio looking for a scandal.

“Eighteen.”

“Hmm. So he was in high school and he plucked you out of junior high? Or were you a mere freshman?”

Huh? I thought. “I met him in his mother’s bar.” I said it as if the high school thing was ludicrous because to me, it was.

“Bar! What were you doing in bar when you were fifteen?”

“Working.”

“Working doing what? You can’t work in a bar when you’re fifteen!”

“I was tending bar.”

“What? You know how to tend bar? They let you tend bar when you were fifteen? Sit down,” he said. “I want to know about this. I knew you had a history. So you’re a bartender?”

“Yes,” I said, ignoring his order to sit. “I quit tending bar to come to work here. And I don’t want to sit. We have to work.”

“How intriguing. I thought you were a waitress. You’re such a good waitress, too. Little Elsa is a bartender? Don’t tell me anymore. I have to absorb this. I want to talk to you about this privately. Are you going to see him tonight?”

“Of course.”

“He just shows up and you go with him?” he asked.

“Uh huh,” I said. I laughed because this was none of his business and I was amused he thought it was.

“Well then I guess I can’t call you tonight and talk about him, can I?”

“Obviously not, Ben.”

“Well I don’t think I can wait. I need more information. Give me something to chew on, little Elsa. Some kind of tidbit. A morsel about your morsel. Let’s see. You met the mystery man in his mother’s bar when he was eighteen and you were a fifteen-year-old bartender. Did he work in the bar with you?”

“No. No, he’s not a bartender, he’s a pianist.”

“A pianist? Your morsel is a pianist?” Ben played the cello. This was getting interesting.

“Is he any good?”

“Yeah.” I laughed. “He’s good. He’s world class. He’s a boy wonder, just ask him.” I laughed.

“He is not!”

“Yeah. Well yes. Actually, he is.” I smiled wide and laughed. You should have see Ben’s face. He looked at me intently, wondering if I was lying but knowing it was doubtful.

“Hmm. I did notice his hands,” he said. “What’s his name? Besides Morsel, I mean. I’m going to have to check this out. I know someone I can ask about your little piano player out there. This way you can get laid tonight and meanwhile, I can get the information I need. I want to process this.”

He started to walk away, then turned back to shake his head. “And you look so pure. You must have been like a daisy, growing up in a bar. I’m so glad I came to work today. I thought about calling in sick. I’m sure glad I didn’t because this has been something not to miss.”

I wrinkled my nose and shrugged. Really, I had no idea what he was talking about.

“I’ll need his last name so I can do some checking. I want to see what I can find out about your morsel. A lot of the pianists are gay, Elsa. Especially if they’re any good. I’ll be able to check that out for you. If I find out anything, do you want me to tell you? Would you want to know?”

I looked stricken for a second, then laughed and gave up his name. I hated to think of Ben up late stewing, while I was getting laid.

“And Elsa?”

“Yeah?”

“Your morsel is in love with you, isn’t he?”

“Yeah. I guess he probably is. How do you know?” I asked, wondering.

Unfortunately, he didn’t answer. I wanted to know what was said out there. Instead, he kept blathering. “Our little Elsa. I knew you had a history. You’re very interesting for a daisy.”

He clucked a few times and I walked away like I didn’t notice. I had all the good cards at the moment, so I played them. Ben went out on the floor saying he wanted another look at my morsel’s hands.

“I can tell if he plays the piano. I’ll be able to tell. I have to make sure you aren’t trying to trick Benjamin! And for that I need a closer look. This is getting very interesting. You’ve piqued my interest, Elsie and that’s not easy to do.”

I couldn’t believe he was calling me Elsie. He left but he was back in sixty seconds.

“He left!”

He looked all dejected so I laughed.

“You sent him, didn’t you? You’re no fun.”

“I did.”

“And he does what you tell him to. Hmm. Verrrrrry interesting. He must be afraid of you. What did you do to him to scare him like that? I was having fun with him and you just ruined it. Just what kind of daisy are you? Maybe you aren’t the daisy I thought you were. Daisies aren’t dangerous, but one word out of you and you just scared that poor morsel off. You could have let him eat.”

“I’ll feed him later.”

“I bet you will.”

We finish the workday. Intermittently Ben asked a probing question and absorbed my response. Classic Scorpio. I was under investigation, but I didn’t mind that. I knew I’d never be found out. Too many aces hiding too many places.

The End

Getting Elsa Off The Job - Part Two

I pushed through the kitchen doors and came ’round the coffee station. It was Scott all right. He looked disheveled which was normal. I grinned and walked over to his table in the middle of the room.

“Elsie! I found you! That Ben. He’s…he’s quite a guy.” One eyebrow went up. “Friend of yours?”

I stared.

“Well, I like him. But he’s weird. I can see why he’s your friend. You always did like the weird ones.”

I smiled.

“Did you make this coffee? Because it’s pretty good, Elsie. It’s good, just like you.”

I didn’t answer. I just smirked and let him roll.

He looked around the empty restaurant. “I’ve never been here before. Nice place. Do you own it?” he asked.

I laughed.

“I came to see you, as you know. Your friend probably told you, back there. Did he tell you? He asked me why I was here and I told him I was here to see the Elsie-babe, of course. You’re lookin’ good, Elsie. You always do. I like that uniform,” he said in a way that was vaguely lecherous. Scott has a Venus, Mars, Pluto conjunction.

I just stared at him. Partly to mess with him, and partly because I hadn’t seen him in awhile. So I was seeing him, if you know what I mean. What is altered? What’s the same? I was scanning him.

“So are you mad? ‘Cause if you are, I can leave. I’d miss out on this coffee though. Did you make it? You must have, because it sure is good,” he said smugly.

I stared, and he waved his arm around the completely empty dining room. “I probably shouldn’t have come here. You’re way too busy to be bothered, aren’t you? The food here must really be spectacular,” he said grinning wide. “The place is packed.”

I smiled. “The food is shit,” I said. “It’s glorified, though. This is supposed to be a nice hotel. Till you walked in here, that is.” I laughed and he smiled.

“I should tell Jimmy to come in here. Liven the place up. Your friend Ben was kind enough to get me this great cup of coffee. He’s your friend, right? I think he’s gay.” He cocked his eyebrow. “He’s gay, isn’t he?”

Ben was utterly and obviously gay. Out of the closet since he was ten. “He may be gay,” I said. “Yes, it’s possible he’s gay.”

“So he’s your friend, not your friend, right? That’s good if you’re me, because you know I’m in here…sniffing around, baby. But we can talk about that later.”

I stared.

So Elsie, tell me. I have to know. Are you still mad at me? If you are, go ahead. Go ahead and yell. I should have shown up a lot sooner, so you could yell at me. I know how much you like to yell. Especially at the ol’ Scotty boy. So go ahead. I’m sorry you had to wait, but I’m here now, and I’m ready to take it like a man,” he said, raising his forearm as if he might have to deflect a blow.

“But I wasn’t mad. I was glad to see him. I figured he knew it and if not, fuck him. I scribbled my current phone number on my waitress pad and gave it to him. “I’m done at two. Get out of here.”

He looked happy. “What? No breakfast?”

I glared.

“Take it easy, Elsie. That’s a joke.”

“I’m going back in the kitchen. Be gone when I come back out, would you?”

“Yep. Okay then. I’ll call you. And I’ll leave hungry. I should probably lose a few pounds anyway.” He patted his stomach.

I shook my head. “Get the fuck out of here, Scott. Would you? And for chrissakes, don’t come back! Go! I’ll see you later, I said. 2!”

“Okay Elsie! 2:05! I’m gonna call you. I’ll set my watch. I won’t forget you can count on that.”

I waved at him and headed back to the kitchen. I shook my ass on the way, because I knew he’d be watching.

To be continued.

skip to part three…