Dear Pisces,

Your chart is tragic when it comes to the potential to deny reality and sacrifice yourself in relationship. I understand and appreciate your desire to save this woman and I will even try to help you in your pursuit. But it seems a matter of responsibility, I mention I think you would be better trying to save yourself from being in love with a woman who claims to love and want you, while she sleeps with another man. But enough of the lecture.

This girl you love is definitely in trouble. However there is little you can do but throw your energy down a black hole - until and unless you become willing and able to allow the addict (she is addicted to him and you to her) to hit bottom. Point being, as long as you’re hanging around ready to catch her, there is a virtual guarantee she will stay in her precarious situation so if you want to see change, you are going to have to be the one who makes it.

I recommend you tell her that you love and want her but you can no longer see her if she going to be with another man, particularly one who beats her. Say it once and mean it.

If you can manage this and if you can manage to take your energy off her, she will have a chance as he pulls back his fist to hit her yet again to think, “What the hell am I doing here? Pisces Moon is down the street and he loves me…”

But there will be no chance of this ever happening if you don’t lay down some kind of boundary and stick to it so this is what I advise you do.

And if you attempt this and can’t manage to stick to your guns, I would urge you to get counseling yourself around finding a way to manage your extreme urge to climb up on crosses and hang from them.

Last, I would also recommend you read up on battered woman. Talk to the professionals who work with these women because I used to be a volunteer and I am sure they will tell you in a no frills manner that you absolutely cannot help these women when they don’t want to help themselves.

Good luck.

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The planetary train wreck in the sky, boldly wrought in real life.:

I just heard from my friend, satori who is a stylist. She is on her way to “change the appearance” of a battered woman as recommended by the police. We both feel if a woman in is that much danger she would be better off to leave town. Hair color and cut is just not going to do it in a small(ish) town.

We are pretty sure the police told her same, if they tell you one, they tell you the other but there is another man in the picture. The gal is coming to the appointment with her boyfriend and you can just think about that.

Venus opposite Neptune… the gal obscures her appearance but she is kidding herself.

Mars opposite Pluto - well let’s just say I think this gal ought to get out of town, tonight. I’d leave the new boyfriend while I was at it. As satori pointed out, “Odd are he’s a batterer too. And if the ex is looking for her won’t he be looking for him? Then why is he leaving his appearance the same? He’ll get to her through him.”

It’s a gross story. I am giving it air to give it energy because these things fester undercover. satori knows a lot about this kind of thing (and has a Scorpio Mars). She’s going to do what she can.

Ugh.

Dear Sister,

I feel sorry for you. Your problem is horrendous and I would like to have some kind of neat trick to fix but I don’t think that one exists. Now I hear you loud and clear. You are afraid your sister is going to die and obviously your concern is valid but I have worked for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and am afraid what the others have told you is correct. You cannot help a battered woman who does want your help.

So what I’ll try to do is give you information that might will allow you to see this. Because as it is… you are too close in and too attached to be objective. So please forget your problems for minute and focus on this other woman that I am going to make up.

Her husband drinks. He drinks often and he drinks heavy. He drives around like this and she’s scared. She knows that eventually he is going to get hurt or killed or hurt or kill someone else if she can’t get him to stop drinking, so she tries to get him to stop drinking.

She loves him unconditionally, but he still drinks. She takes him to the doctor who tells him his liver is failing but he still drinks. He eventually drinks so much he can’t keep up with the bills and she tries to cover for him, but she’s so tired. She’s exhausted trying to clean up after him and love and love and love and love him, and compromised like this she gets even more frantic to save him.

Meanwhile he’s not worried at all. He’s just living, you know. Like your sister. And though this wife is correct (her husband is on a crash course), this is the point to get:

The sooner they crash, the better. And I know this is counterintuitive but it’s a fact. If your sister has any hope at all, she has got to hit the wall and you are not helping her when you take steps to prevent this. Because things like this progress! They get worse. So if your sister hits bottom in a week, there will be less damage than if it takes her five years. And if you can understand that you can see that slowing this process is not in her best interest. And if you pull your support, do you risk her life?

NO! Her life is already at risk, wouldn’t you say? You hovering over her is not working. It might have worked, except it didn’t, so now you have to try something new… as does the wife of the alcoholic.

If she quits supporting this guy might he drive his car off a cliff while impaired? Well, yeah. But he was already going to do that. On the other hand if she leaves him alone in the dark in his room with nothing but his bottle… well just think about it. Which tactic do you think is going to get him to treatment faster?

Same with your sister. She’s got her whole family worried sick about her. But what if every single one of you told her, “Look. We love you, but we are not going to watch this guy kill you. We are not going to witness this for the sake of our own psyches. So we’re going to walk now. And if you decide you want help to get out of this situation… well it will be there. But until then, don’t call us…”

This may be the hardest thing you might ever do, but I think it’s your best shot. So this is my advice, with one more bit.

I also recommend you take this outside the family, like you did when you wrote me. Call the battered women centers and talk to the experts because they are incredibly knowledgeable and you are just too close to this situation to look at it in a clinical way and they can help you with that.

When women like your sister call the battered women resources and want to talk about what he did last night, they ask them if they want to leave. And when they say no, they tell them to call back when they do. And then they hang up!

This is like listening to the alcoholic tell you about his hangover. “Call me when you want to get sober, babe. Till then you’re on your own…”

Yep. Sometimes people die. But if you want to raise the odds against that, this is how it is done.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Woman,

Your man is doing all the classic alcoholic/abuser things and if you go back to him in any capacity, you will be doing all the classic co-dependent/abuse victim things. So is this what you want? I don’t think so. But you need support. Because what you are trying to do is very challenging. And I’ll get to that, but first let me answer your questions…

Yes, it is possible someone can recover from this level of pathology - but I would imagine it might take five years (give or take) of diligent effort consistently applied and the odds this guy is going to do that are virtually ZERO.

And you can loop around with him as long as you like. I am sure he will go ’round with you as many times as you will allow but personally, he sounds ultra-dangerous to me and I would urge you not just to stay away from him, but to take any means possible to secure your safety.

Because he’s choking you, okay? And he’s probably in blackout when he does it. Who knows! He’s in an altered state. He is out of control. And your showing up at a session with a therapist is going to do nothing but waste your time. Don’t you have enough problems? I think you do.

We’re talking about a 45 year old man, here. You don’t think he can figure it out? You think it’s your job to figure it out for him? I disagree.

Look. Get yourself hooked up with Al-Anon. Get yourself hooked up with support for battered women. Get yourself this excellent book with a very stupid and misleading title, "Getting Them Sober"because it is the best book in the entire world for a woman like you (read the reviews).

If you have trouble finding Al-Anon in Costa Rica, you can participate online here: Al Anon Family Group Message Board

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Frightened,

I can’t tell you what is in store for you, because it is dependent on what you do next. I am forever harping about women using their Mars, that is, their male energy. It is very important you assert yourself. It is critical that you do something about your situation, otherwise I am quite certain you are going to continue to be hurt.

See, he’s not going to stop. And the more he beats you down, the more he is going to beat you down. And the more beat down you get, the harder it is going to be to get yourself out of this.

Now you post is vague so I am not exactly sure what’s happening to you but I do know these things always get worse over time. Even when it stops, it starts back up and the sooner you decide to fight back, the sooner you’ll be free of this - and the sooner you are free of this, the less damage he will have had a chance to inflict and the shorter your recovery time. So considering all this, I would suggest you start plotting a way out of this relationship… this minute.

If you don’t know how or where to start, keep doing what you did when you wrote me. Reach out and tell people what is going on with you. Do not keep his secrets. You were born in India and I don’t know if you still live there, or what resources may exist, but I do know help of some kind is always available to anyone who asserts themselves with conviction.

So if you have access to a “battered women’s hotline”, call them. The National Domestic Violence Hotline in the United States is 1-800-799-SAFE. There are people there who are very knowledgeable about your situation and I would know because I used to be one of them. They can help you map your way out and support you every step of the way.

See, here’s the thing to know. You have anger and rage inside of you. And if you don’t accept this and access your energy and apply it a healthy way, you are going to meet it outside yourself. Get it? If you won’t assert yourself, you can expect to asserted upon. But if you are willing to fight and to act in your own best interest… well, your chart is formidable and I have no doubt you can get out of this relationship and go on to have any life you want.

Good luck.

~~
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