Dear Elsa,

Two months ago, I met a man at a local open mic night. We hit it off from the beginning, going for coffee the first night we met. He got my number and gave me his. We went out on our first date a few days later and became much more intimate more quickly than either of us planned. Apparently, we have both been without a relationship for an extended time (13 years for me - 8 for him).

We are still seeing each other at the open mic and we go out (or stay in) every Saturday - but he doesn’t seem to want to see me more often than that. When we are together we don’t just have sex, we talk for hours about everything - except for us. He is gentle and kind, an old fashioned gentleman. He’s open and honest and seems to really enjoy being with me, and I with him. He calls me when he says he will and seemed genuinely happy when I sent a thank you card after our first date and an encouragement card when he went for a job interview.

He warned me early on not to be building expectations, but then he talks about things we’ll do next summer. I don’t think he is seeing anyone else romantically, and I am not either. After a 22 year marriage to a man who was extremely controlling and verbally abusive, I don’t want someone who will want to own me, but I think I would like to see him more. I guess I’m afraid if I push for more, he’ll run. He’s been engaged six times in his life and married three times, so his track record with women isn’t great. But I’ve been married twice myself, so I know people can make bad choices.

So here we are two people who are very attracted to each other but both very hesitant to commit. So here’s my question. How can I make this man really happy? How can I make him feel more secure with me? I don’t necessarily want a commitment. I don’t need that. But I don’t want to be just the Saturday night lay either. I’ve been out of the dating scene so long I just don’t know what to expect. Any advice on romance for the over 50 commitment phobes?

On The Fence

Dear Elsa,

I have always felt whatever I do is “not good enough” and I look for reassurance constantly. Through persistence, hard work and conscientiousness, I have had a successful career and relationships - and from the outside, I seem to have things reasonably together.

What follows sounds trivial and I cite it as merely the latest example of a pattern. A while back I started a blog. From the outset I found it a real creative outlet, made online friendships, and I have seen my writing skills improve considerably. However, I constantly compare myself to other bloggers (they are more talented than I am, get more comments, are more confident and popular) to the point where it is blighting my enjoyment of writing and blogging. The current sense of depression and inadequacy about my seemingly average writing is so strong.

I put up a post recently that got no comments at all and felt like sticking my head in the oven! I exaggerate but you get my drift.

Any advice, Elsa? I come from a childhood where praise and recognition seemed in short supply, but I don’t want to be defeated by this. I hate feeling so threatened by others’ abilities and success - these are people that I like. How can I separate out what I do from who I am? And take pleasure in doing something for the sake of it and not feel diminished if it isn’t praised to the hilt?

On the scale of the planet’s problems this is very trivial I know, but this trait of judging myself unfavorably has dogged me my whole life. I’m fed up with it and embarrassed that I still have such an adolescent hang-up.

Thanks,
Planets In Leo