Dear Elsa,
I’ve been dating a 31 year old Pisces man for six years now. We undeniably have a strong and inseparable emotional attachment to each other. We’re best friends and there is a mutual love between us but there are a few problems.

Even though he’s very affectionate, he’s very secretive and is an alcoholic. After he left the clink, for the past two years he has lived with his parents and I’ve lived in an apartment in this tiny retirement town in the middle of nowhere. Even before all of this, he never could pay his rent on time. His mother and I are both Cancers. Since he’s moved to his parent’s house, even though he’s still sweet to me, he doesn’t spend very much time with me anymore.

I’ve explained to him that I do not want to constantly visit him at his parent’s house and pretty much stay alone at my apartment. He is also in denial about his alcoholism. I’ve read books on the subject and am trying my best to handle it appropriately. He’s a “live for the moment” kind of guy. We love spending time with each other but he does not want to face reality about how to be self-reliant.

A few weeks ago I caught him drunk, and making out with a girl from his job. After tons of tears between us both, we can’t stand the thought of splitting up. I explained to him that I can’t trust him yet. He thinks that since it’s been a few weeks, I should already be forgetting about it and never bring it up. I can’t, not yet. I asked him if I could check his cell phone but he hates giving up his privacy. He says I’m too jealous of other girls. I then tell him I wasn’t before, but now I just want to trust him again.

He is a great guy and I want him to have other friends, guys or girls (me too)! But I also want to trust him. Then he changes the subject. When we used to work together, he never left my side but I didn’t make him. I believe he’s sorry but he can’t seem to face reality about how trust is earned. What should I do? I feel I’ve found true love but not a real relationship. Thanks in advance, from one watery mess.

Cancer Woman
United States

Hi Elsa,

I’m currently living in Costa Rica, Central America, but am originally from Toronto, Canada. I have been in a year long relationship with a Costa Rican man who is 10 yrs older than me, but have recently left him. I am still trying to “make it” in Costa Rica if I can.

The main reason I left was because he got drunk and coked up one night and freaked out on me. I wasn’t in that state as all. I’d had a half a beer and I don’t do cocaine. He is an alcoholic that has been trying to take it easy. He has done cocaine, admits to liking it, but claims that he is not an addict.

The reason he ended up freaking out: he became physically aggressive, grabbing me, cornering me into walls, seeming like he was going to hit me, and spitting on me. He also wrapped his hands around my neck and put a little squeeze on it; he claims it was to “calm me down”. He admitted to all these awful things, and begged and cried for my forgiveness amongst other things.

It wasn’t the first incident with him but not to that degree. I knew getting into the relationship with him that he had issues, but thought that old cliche that our love would fix everything. Now I am in a situation where I am in a foreign country where things are just different then what I am used to. I do love it here and want to try and make a life.

The thing is this: I’ve only had email contact with him and 1 phone conversation over the past 2 weeks. He is doing all that classic textbook stuff, liking begging me to come back, he’ll change, he loves me more then anything. etc. etc. He wants to go to counseling and I am somewhat considering it. My question is this: can men who have drinking issues, anger issues, jealousy issues and have also been physically abusive BUT seem genuinely willing to change… can they change? Really?

I do love him but I’m at a crossroads. Do I just move because he really won’t change? Or do I give it a small go and at the very least try and attend one session with a therapist together, so that he can truly understand that what he did was unacceptable and he ever wants happiness in his life he needs to work on these things? I know that I am not perfect but know I deserve a good man, I feel like he could be in the future if he really works on himself but am confused.

Does any of this make sense?

Abused Woman in a Foreign Land
Canada