Great question, thank you. Sometimes I say these things, knowing they are home truths but not knowing no one knows what I am talking about!

First, I did not specify “back”. It has nothing to do with being stabbed in the back. I am talking about being stabbed, period. Because what happens when someone stabs you?

What happens is there is an energy exchange. If someone hits you, same thing. If someone oppresses you in any way they are giving you energy. If someone kisses you, same thing. They are transferring their energy to you and at the point they do the energy is yours and therefore it is yours to use.
Continue reading In The Opinion Of My 8th House… Stabbed In Back? No Problem!

Ayla writes on Love Tips - Venus Neptune:

“Love, at its core, is unconditional. If people are attaching conditions to it, it’s not love anymore. “I’ll only love you if you do [x]” is a mockery.

I have a crippled Venus (in Aries square Mars, Uranus, Saturn, and Neptune in 1st house Sag and square Chiron in 7th house Gemini) and even I know that withholding love kills it and giving it away keeps it alive. Yeah, you get hurt sometimes. So what? It’s not gonna kill you. (Unless you get involved with a serial killer or something I guess.)”

Continue reading Venus In Aspect To Neptune: Distinguishing Between Unconditional Love And Being A Doormat

Dear Pisces.

It sounds to me as if you are serious and it also sounds as if you have a chance to win your wife back - but you are going to have to revolutionize your way of being. And if you are not willing to do this, I am sure a separation is in both your best interests. But so long as you’re willing to really change, here is a map. These are the steps you can take and and with a Capricorn Moon and rising I am sure you know how to follow a plan.

First withdraw the petition for divorce if you can. If she wants a divorce, let her file it. You don’t want a divorce, so what are you doing getting one?

Next, whatever the issues of abuse are, solve them. Don’t care what she did to you. That’s her problem to solve. But you’ve got to stop hitting her, yelling at her, or whatever else you are doing - and you have got to stop it completely. If you find this a challenge, get a therapist and figure out why but you must do this 100%. This is non-negotiable.

You must also use your dick! For Godsakes you cannot let your wife languish and go without sex for 4 years! Are you crazy? Are you drunk? Whatever you are, fix it! Women need sex from men to thrive! PERIOD. You are in your early forties for Chrissakes. There is no excuse!

So there you go. If you hit your wife and deprive her of sex, as far as I am concerned she ought to go find another man! And so she did. But in this case, even though she may love him, she apparently doesn’t want him or she would be gone! So it does seem she may be trying to make a point and you may have a chance… and if so I hope you use it.

But from one Capricorn to another, I can tell you right now: if you keep doing “the wrong thing”, you’re going to do nothing but continue to roll down the hill.

Good luck.
~~
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Dear Sister,

I feel sorry for you. Your problem is horrendous and I would like to have some kind of neat trick to fix but I don’t think that one exists. Now I hear you loud and clear. You are afraid your sister is going to die and obviously your concern is valid but I have worked for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and am afraid what the others have told you is correct. You cannot help a battered woman who does want your help.

So what I’ll try to do is give you information that might will allow you to see this. Because as it is… you are too close in and too attached to be objective. So please forget your problems for minute and focus on this other woman that I am going to make up.

Her husband drinks. He drinks often and he drinks heavy. He drives around like this and she’s scared. She knows that eventually he is going to get hurt or killed or hurt or kill someone else if she can’t get him to stop drinking, so she tries to get him to stop drinking.

She loves him unconditionally, but he still drinks. She takes him to the doctor who tells him his liver is failing but he still drinks. He eventually drinks so much he can’t keep up with the bills and she tries to cover for him, but she’s so tired. She’s exhausted trying to clean up after him and love and love and love and love him, and compromised like this she gets even more frantic to save him.

Meanwhile he’s not worried at all. He’s just living, you know. Like your sister. And though this wife is correct (her husband is on a crash course), this is the point to get:

The sooner they crash, the better. And I know this is counterintuitive but it’s a fact. If your sister has any hope at all, she has got to hit the wall and you are not helping her when you take steps to prevent this. Because things like this progress! They get worse. So if your sister hits bottom in a week, there will be less damage than if it takes her five years. And if you can understand that you can see that slowing this process is not in her best interest. And if you pull your support, do you risk her life?

NO! Her life is already at risk, wouldn’t you say? You hovering over her is not working. It might have worked, except it didn’t, so now you have to try something new… as does the wife of the alcoholic.

If she quits supporting this guy might he drive his car off a cliff while impaired? Well, yeah. But he was already going to do that. On the other hand if she leaves him alone in the dark in his room with nothing but his bottle… well just think about it. Which tactic do you think is going to get him to treatment faster?

Same with your sister. She’s got her whole family worried sick about her. But what if every single one of you told her, “Look. We love you, but we are not going to watch this guy kill you. We are not going to witness this for the sake of our own psyches. So we’re going to walk now. And if you decide you want help to get out of this situation… well it will be there. But until then, don’t call us…”

This may be the hardest thing you might ever do, but I think it’s your best shot. So this is my advice, with one more bit.

I also recommend you take this outside the family, like you did when you wrote me. Call the battered women centers and talk to the experts because they are incredibly knowledgeable and you are just too close to this situation to look at it in a clinical way and they can help you with that.

When women like your sister call the battered women resources and want to talk about what he did last night, they ask them if they want to leave. And when they say no, they tell them to call back when they do. And then they hang up!

This is like listening to the alcoholic tell you about his hangover. “Call me when you want to get sober, babe. Till then you’re on your own…”

Yep. Sometimes people die. But if you want to raise the odds against that, this is how it is done.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Woman,

Your man is doing all the classic alcoholic/abuser things and if you go back to him in any capacity, you will be doing all the classic co-dependent/abuse victim things. So is this what you want? I don’t think so. But you need support. Because what you are trying to do is very challenging. And I’ll get to that, but first let me answer your questions…

Yes, it is possible someone can recover from this level of pathology - but I would imagine it might take five years (give or take) of diligent effort consistently applied and the odds this guy is going to do that are virtually ZERO.

And you can loop around with him as long as you like. I am sure he will go ’round with you as many times as you will allow but personally, he sounds ultra-dangerous to me and I would urge you not just to stay away from him, but to take any means possible to secure your safety.

Because he’s choking you, okay? And he’s probably in blackout when he does it. Who knows! He’s in an altered state. He is out of control. And your showing up at a session with a therapist is going to do nothing but waste your time. Don’t you have enough problems? I think you do.

We’re talking about a 45 year old man, here. You don’t think he can figure it out? You think it’s your job to figure it out for him? I disagree.

Look. Get yourself hooked up with Al-Anon. Get yourself hooked up with support for battered women. Get yourself this excellent book with a very stupid and misleading title, "Getting Them Sober"because it is the best book in the entire world for a woman like you (read the reviews).

If you have trouble finding Al-Anon in Costa Rica, you can participate online here: Al Anon Family Group Message Board

Good luck.

~~
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So on this un-comfort topic, here’s some meat for your grinder. Awhile back I was talking to my ex, the career Special Forces soldier. And he has been through virtually every military training in existence on this planet. Internationally, I mean. And one of the things he’s been through is torture school.

Now they don’t call it that. It has a fancy name, but what they do is torture you to get you prepared and teach you what to do in the event you are captured and tortured. And one of the things they do is put you in a box.

They put you in a black box, maybe 4′ X 4′ which means you cannot stand up. And they leave you in there for a long time. For days. They leave you in there for DAYS.

So just think about that. How’s that for an un-comfort zone?

Well considering I am at least slightly claustrophobic it makes me very nervous to even try to consider this. And I at all sure I would be able to cope with something like this for even ten minutes. But I figure if I were in there, there would be two choices. Either go crazy in the box, or you find a way to be comfortable in this very uncomfortable place. And suppose you manage? Suppose you’re successful?

Well if you’re successful, I imagine your comfort zone is expanded beyond belief. “You want to put me in a box? Bring it on! I have ways of dealing with that…”

Not that he said that, I’m just guessing. And that has got to be a powerful feeling. To walk around knowing that if it comes down to it, you can endure this level of discomfort. But I can see a shadow side.

Compare his experience with someone who grew up in an abusive home. That person also has an expanded comfort zone and unfortunately it’s very common they use it by getting into abusive relationships as an adult. Noooooooooo!

Should the soldier find a 4′ X 4′ box, climb in and shut the lid, just because he can? I don’t think so. And just because you can take a beating doesn’t mean you go find someone to beat you!

So I just think it would be nice if people who have been forced to endure and survive this kind of thing (abuse) could turn their experience into an asset and I thought this story might help. Because it’s not enough to just stay in the uncomfortable place. We’re looking for alchemy here… a Pluto / Scorpio thing.

alchemy

1 : a medieval chemical science and speculative philosophy aiming to achieve the transmutation of the base metals into gold, the discovery of a universal cure for disease, and the discovery of a means of indefinitely prolonging life

2 : a power or process of transforming something common into something special

3 : an inexplicable or mysterious transmuting

So what about you? Have you ever stayed in your version of that black box long enough for this to occur? Tell us.

~~
pictured - Pluto, Agostino Carracci, 1557

Dear Pisces,

Your baby’s father is violent, period. Motivated as he may be, he is obviously unable to control his impulses and I think the judge was on the right track when she said “no contact” for three years.

With three years of therapy, perhaps this guy could reform. But as it stands, as far as I am concerned you are not only in danger… your baby is in danger as well. Because violent people are what? They are violent. And he is constantly threatening.

And think about it. He threatened to take your child from you. And I am sorry to put this to you in such a graphic way, but I think this could be capable of a lot worse than merely stealing your child. He could kill your child in a rage, see? He’s gonna fix you, you bitch! If he can’t have you, then you can’t have your baby. Do you really want to be playing with this?

Your job is to protect your daughter. And sending her off with a man known to all of mankind to be violent does not seem prudent to me. I understand how confusing this is for you, so I am trying to make it very simple. The judge was right. You and your daughter’s safety are the number one priority. This guy has jeopardized that, so that’s it! As if it doesn’t hurt her to see him beat up Grandma!

The effect of hitting the mother in front of child is typically far more damaging to the child than being beaten directly. Did you know that? It’s a fact. So although your intentions are good, the choices you are making are not. And as to what you might tell your daughter in the future… you’ll tell her the truth of course.

“Your father was violent, here is the evidence. I loved you way too much to take a chance…”

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Frightened,

I can’t tell you what is in store for you, because it is dependent on what you do next. I am forever harping about women using their Mars, that is, their male energy. It is very important you assert yourself. It is critical that you do something about your situation, otherwise I am quite certain you are going to continue to be hurt.

See, he’s not going to stop. And the more he beats you down, the more he is going to beat you down. And the more beat down you get, the harder it is going to be to get yourself out of this.

Now you post is vague so I am not exactly sure what’s happening to you but I do know these things always get worse over time. Even when it stops, it starts back up and the sooner you decide to fight back, the sooner you’ll be free of this - and the sooner you are free of this, the less damage he will have had a chance to inflict and the shorter your recovery time. So considering all this, I would suggest you start plotting a way out of this relationship… this minute.

If you don’t know how or where to start, keep doing what you did when you wrote me. Reach out and tell people what is going on with you. Do not keep his secrets. You were born in India and I don’t know if you still live there, or what resources may exist, but I do know help of some kind is always available to anyone who asserts themselves with conviction.

So if you have access to a “battered women’s hotline”, call them. The National Domestic Violence Hotline in the United States is 1-800-799-SAFE. There are people there who are very knowledgeable about your situation and I would know because I used to be one of them. They can help you map your way out and support you every step of the way.

See, here’s the thing to know. You have anger and rage inside of you. And if you don’t accept this and access your energy and apply it a healthy way, you are going to meet it outside yourself. Get it? If you won’t assert yourself, you can expect to asserted upon. But if you are willing to fight and to act in your own best interest… well, your chart is formidable and I have no doubt you can get out of this relationship and go on to have any life you want.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Confused,

I think your sister has the right to feel hurt or any other way she pleases. But you did nothing wrong. The thing is: with families like yours, boundaries are often very weak. And this seems the situation here. Everybody is in everybody else’s business and nobody knows how to draw lines.

And this is frequently why families break apart the way yours did. People do it to survive. No one can seem to exist without falling into the very painful family stew so they amputate in the hopes of starting fresh and faring better. So now you’re back in and things are starting to constellate and I have some ideas that might help.

First, understand that your boundary was completely appropriate. And your Venus (money) Neptune (sacrifice) conjunction in Scorpio is a very leaky combination so I think you should be congratulated on managing to make it. And from here all you have to do is stick to guns… and hope.

Hope your sister runs through her emotions, which I am sure are complex. And hope she runs through her process whatever it may be, and she comes back to you in saner form. And there is agreement on all fronts I know of, how to best facilitate this which is nice because it makes it very simple.

The 12-steppers remind you to watch your side of the street. That means, keep yourself on track and leave others to do the same. And I have heard another analogy, about a well. Your whole family is in a well! They’re in there, man. And the idea is to get the fuck out of the well. Get yourself out!

And it’s virtually impossible to climb from the well if you keep reaching back in to grab the hands of family members in an attempt to pull them up when they do not want to go. Never mind, half of them want to pull you back in. So no! You’ve got to get yourself out and on to solid ground before you can even think about throwing them a line or no one is going to get out of there!

So with this in mind, I’d advise you stand strong and leave your sister to figure it out. Because these are facts:

Dear In,

No, I don’t think it is your destiny to suffer, I think it’s your destiny to heal and beyond that to help others heal. Who better for that than you? With your vast experience of suffering you are uniquely positioned, don’t you think? I do. But let me address some of these other things.

Your experience is common for survivors of abuse. That is, it’s when you finally get yourself to a place where you have a modicum of security that the shit hits the fan. Because prior to this time, you are functioning in some sort of survival mode. Functioning highly too, something you should be proud of. But now it’s time to heal.

Think of it like a broken bone. Or in your case, twelve or fourteen broken bones. And at the time they are broken, there was no help available. So what happens?

What happens is they heal all jacked up. And you absolutely will walk around like that for the rest of your life it you do not get treatment. Make sense?

So basically you have to go in and re-break these bones. And that’s going to hurt. But once broken, your limbs and various parts can be set with the loving care you deserved the first time around… and this time when you heal, it will be for real and for permanent.

So obviously I think you need to find a counselor. However, I also think your prognosis is excellent and I’ll tell you why. It’s because your problems are so profound. This serves you and I will explain:

You’re 21 and find yourself in this very painful place. And you think your peers, the other 21 year old girls out there do not have to deal with problems of your ilk. And you’re right! Most of them still have their parents, for starters. So they have no idea what you cope with on a daily basis. But here’s the trick.

It’s because your problems are so large that you are finding that you are simply going to have to deal with them. You’re just not going to be able to function if you don’t and so off you go to therapy to emerge in a year or two or three (or whatever it takes, because you’re worth it), feeling whole and healed. And meanwhile what about your peers?

Well I’ll tell you what happens to them. They suffer at a low level. It’s not quite enough to send them to therapy, though. They can fake it, see? And fake it they do, until they are thirty or forty or fifty and this is when it hits them. ‘Crap! I just lived my whole life compromised!” And at that point it’s too late. Too late to get that 30 years back, that is.

Meantime, you’ve spent the last 30 years, on your feet, knowing who and what you are and living true, all courtesy of the investment you made in your 20’s. So you’ve got Saturn conjunct your Sun in Scorpio and that is exactly how you should think of it too. Invest in your psychological health…

And just remember this: Every curse is a gift… in exact proportion.

Much love and good luck.

~~
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