Dear Fence,

Yep, you have a profoundly commitment-phobic chart here (so does he) and I don’t know there is any way you are going to be completely content and satisfied. And I don’t meant this in a critical way. It’s just you want something that does not exist. You want someone you can count on, you want to be special to someone but you do not want any baggage with that. It’s as if you do not want a commitment, but you do, but you don’t and I don’t think there is a cure.

Say this guy commits. Next thing you know you’re moving into his place or he yours. You’re going to merge your lives and it’s going to him, him, him and him. Are you panicked yet?
Continue reading Over 50 and Commitment-Phobic: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon Baby Boomer

Dear Suffering,

I feel horrible for you. Your pain is palpable and I wanted to post your letter so that at the very least it gets some air. I want to hold your pain to the light like this in, the hopes it will alleviate it even the tiniest bit. Because I get the idea you are isolated which can only intensify your feelings.

So now this is out here and people are reading it. People know this has happened and I am sure a good of them feel tremendous compassion for you. I know I do. But you are having a Pluto transit (and a Saturn transit to Pluto) and though I am going to try, I am not sure how much I can help.

First on the crying… forget about stopping the tears. On the contrary, I think you should cry and cry and cry. Cry as hard as you can. Cry until you get it out. Tears stop when they damn well please.

And if you cry long enough to get good at it, you’ll realize how healing they are. I know I’ve cried a lot of tears… way more than my share and these days when the tears run down my face, I smile. I smile because I like being an emotional person. I like being vulnerable and I like being alive. And this is what is happening to you right now. You are alive like you’ve never been before and I’ll explain.

You’re 55. And what you’re coming to terms with is your own mortality. Your parents are getting up there and then look what happens. This guy shows up to remind you how many years have passed. And where did they go? And what other paths might you have taken? And what about the path you did take?

These are painful things to ponder. Because you can’t turn back the clock and redo anything. And this is the process you’re in right now. And it sounds like your Ex is in a similar place.

What would his life have been like had he married you with your longer leash? I am sure it is painful for him to wonder but at the end of the day, or the end of next week, or next month, you will both have to come to terms with the fact that you are where you are and it is what it is.

And when that happens… when the mourning ends, the living will commence again and hopefully it will be sweeter than ever after having been reminded that our time here is limited and every bit of it, precious.

Much love. Take care and good luck.

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pictured - Pluto, Agostino Carracci, 1557

Dear Afraid,

Yes, of course you can be in love forever. As a matter of fact, as far as I am concerned, you can only be in love, forever. I mean if you really love someone, that’s it. It’s not like it stops. “There is no cure for love,” as Leonard Cohen writes and I quite agree. So I don’t think this is the issue. Love is a feeling! And I don’t think this is your struggle.

Your struggle is in fitting into some kind of stereotype. Your struggle is with commitment of a traditional type. And when you get this age (50)….well I think the question you are asking is very appropriate. It’s high time you figure this out and stop trying to jam your foot into a shoe that doesn’t fit! Stop because it hurts others, but more importantly, stop because it hurts you.

Now as a lesbian, you have a double whammy - but this should also make this problem easier for you to solve. You are already non-traditional! So what the hell are you doing when you try to fit your relationships into a heterosexual model in the first place? You know? 1950’s, stay together for the kids? What’s that got to do with you?

You have Jupiter conjunct Venus. You need freedom in relationship. You need to expand. You need to grow. And you need someone who can and will accommodate your nature and when you find this… you’ll be set.

But you aren’t going to find that if you do not communicate with your partner, or your potential partner. And when you’re 20, well that’s one thing. Society tells you what it’s supposed to be. For most, the culture dictates their relationship lives, but for godsakes, at 50 years old you and your partner ought to be able to state what you want and what you need and not only that, provide it for each other!

And your first love? Well if she is looking for some lifelong situation that will feel stagnant to you after a short time, there is no doubt you will wash, rinse and repeat the same scenario that played 30 years ago.

On the other hand, if you’ve both grown up… if you are willing to dump the framework of relationship that didn’t work (and will never work for you) and go forward, “love as an adventure”, why not?

But you get my point. Dump your faÆ’