Dear Virgo,

This is an inordinately interesting question. The short answer is that happiness comes from inside and nothing in the world is going to make you be happy if you are just not happy. Father figure, baby man, orange, yellow, green, pink… none of this is going to come to your aid so on that note, you are barking up the wrong tree. But as to your specific question, no. Finding a father figure is not going to make you happy. It hasn’t worked so far, right?

For 21 years you have been trying to replace your dad and while this is understandable, it is getting you nowhere. The fact is, you are your dad and processing his death is what is going to lead you to happiness.

As for the astrology, you have significant Scorpio and Pluto conjunct your Sun. You have inherited your father… he is right there with you and if you can see this, you can see that looking around outside yourself is not going find you anything. Instead get his picture out and look in the mirror.

Find the features you share with him. Your eyebrows, your mouth, the curl in your hair or whatever it is. Seeeee him in yourself and work to integrate the fact he is always with you because once you do this, you will be in a whole new land and probably much happier. Good luck.

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Zavela writes poignantly about her father:

Could it be the Saturn in Virgo that made me to realize that I am a sinner? My father didn’t deserve to be rejected but it is too late to hug him and let him know my feelings.

The hunt after career and to provide good living to my children became such priority of my life that I forgot my father, my brothers and my childhood. This year has brought to me, I must say, weird experiences which brought back memories from my childhood. That led me to do research on my family background. I found out that my father was Jewish. He never told me, he never told anybody. Why? I will never know. There was WWII….. I never met his family, he never spoke about his family and I never asked. It is too late now. He died last summer and my mother died when I was 10. Until a few weeks ago I didn’t realize what a selfish ignorant I am.

(((Zavela))) I am very sorry for your pain.

First, I hope you are not too awful hard on yourself for too long. Virtually everyone pulls away and “abandons” their parents in order to establish themselves as an adult. It is a normal part growing up and as parents we know this, because we did it to our parents.

We also know if our children are not aware of us in the moment or if they are supposedly neglecting us, they will become very aware later on and we love them so much they already and always forgiven without even needing to ask.

Last, we know it will be enormously painful for our children when we pass. We know this even if they do not and I can pretty much guarantee your father’s deepest desire is that you live happy and free. What else could he possibly want?

It is true you can’t hug your father or ask him about the war and other things, firsthand. However, it is also true that pieces of these things will find their way to you for the rest of your life… in affect, your father will be talking to you in this way. He will always be with you because you are part of him and he is part of you and nobody and nothing (even death) changes that even one iota.

I hope you will forgive yourself. I am sure he already has. Much love.

Don’t Drive By Without Stopping

Dear Lost,

I don’t think reclaiming yourself is the answer because it implies going backward - and with your Sun, Moon, Mercury and Venus in Aquarius, you’d be much better off if you think along the lines of reinventing yourself. You are supposed to be progressive, see.

The way I see this, you are just winding up a massive Neptune transit. You and everything around you has been taken by the tide, but now the tide is receding. You find yourself standing on land but disillusioned and this is normal. I bet you didn’t know what a flood could do… sort of like New Orleans. So what if you are New Orleans?

Well there is no sense beating yourself up for getting caught in a hurricane. No sense feeling bad about it, you must rebuild. But to rebuild the same thing in the same place in the same way makes no sense. You were washed away for a reason so look ahead. Forget what stood before and look to the future and how you might innovate and make this next phase of your life more vital than the last.

I really think this is why you are stuck. Look forward not back and you’ll find freedom, I’m certain.

Good luck.

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Dear Learning,

I am very sorry for your loss. Your pain is palpable and I will try to help. First, a Saturn transit to the Moon (your Venus is also involved) is one of the most challenging transits particularly for the young and you are just 23. And I don’t think it’s helpful for you to think in terms of karma and punishment. It is clear you are suffering and at this point, you want to work to feel better not worse. And though this will also be challenging, it can be done.

Essentially what you are doing is grieving, which is a process. And having identified all your shortcomings (ouch), it is now time to shift your focus away from that and try to move towards acceptance. Accept the loss. Accept the price you paid - but instead of going backward and beating yourself up, try to focus on the future and figure out how you are going to incorporate what you’ve learned.

This can take the form (Saturn) of making a commitment (Saturn) to never again perpetrate whatever it was you did. Commit to doing “the right thing” in relationships. Commit to acting as an adult (Saturn) and you can even go as far as being grateful you have learned these lessons now, because you know what?

There are people 10 and even 20 years older than you, still acting the fool.

Much love and good luck.

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Dear Confused,

You’re 27 years old and you have lost your mother. I feel terribly sad for you and I want to do what you ask. I want to help you solve your problem and help yourself and the first thing I want you to know is your boyfriend’s inability and/ or unwillingness to help you through this crisis is not a reflection on you.

Also, his criticizing and calling you “needy” during a time when anyone with a beating heart would have enhanced needs is cold and uncalled for.

Now it sounds to me as if you are functioning very well. A little too well maybe and I get it. Losing your mother is a terrible blow and the last thing you want to do is lose your boyfriend simultaneously. Anyone with half a brain would do anything in their power to prevent something like this; however it may not be possible. It may be he is not the one for you and you are going to suffer a total life crisis at this juncture.

And I am sorry to say that but I don’t know how to avoid saying it - because this guy is not helping you, now when you need him the most. And does that sound like someone you want as a life partner?

Look. I am so sorry. But I think you have been staving off the grieving you are going to have to do and I don’t think your boyfriend is going to magically turn competent which means you are on your own… sort of.

You are on your own except for the fact that there are support groups everywhere… and if I were you I would get hooked up with them immediately. This is one way you can take care of yourself without relying on him and it is possible if you do this it will take some pressure off him and perhaps (?) he will be able to better respond. But either way, you will be taking a positive step and you are almost sure to make new friends - which it sounds like you could really use.

I am so sorry for your loss. Much love and good luck.

~~
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Dear Clock,

I am sorry but it does not sound as if your boyfriend is ambivalent when it comes to having children. I am sure he knows how important this is to you, in spite of your supposed willingness to delay and accommodate him. And he has still given you a firm NO. And I agree with you. There is no middle ground on this issue.

Having children is by far the most demanding and long-lasting commitment you can make in this life, and it’s not something that should be undertaken with half a heart. You seem to understand this completely so the bottom line question is this:

Will he transform into a person with priorities more in line with yours? He may but I doubt it. He says he does not want children and I think you should take him at his word, even though this puts you in a heart-wrenching and untenable situation. But fact is you are almost 27 and heading into your Saturn Return, and I can virtually guarantee that your baby clock is going to continue to tick-tock until it becomes deafening. And if you override it, then what?

If you override it and stay with this man who will not give you a baby, then he is what you’re going to have as far as a baby goes - and it is going to be damned hard not to resent that.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Grieving,

If reading your mail was not enough, I looked at your chart and nearly burst into tears. It is clear that your loss is staggering and I am so sorry you have to face something like this, especially when you are so young (25 years old). And I wish I knew a way out but I don’t believe there is one. I am so sorry, but this is a period you will have to go through and I will try to offer what I can in the hopes it eases your pain in the even the tiniest way.

First, I am pretty sure that this is as bad as it will ever get for you. You will make it through this time one way or the other by hook or crook, and when you do no one and nothing will ever be able to threaten you again.

Because what are they going to do? Kill your mother? Give her cancer? Make her suffer? Are they going to make your father worthless? What? Are they going to take your job? It’s already happened, damnit! So this is where you are headed - to extreme empowerment and here are my tips to get from here to there most directly and with the least pain which I am sorry to say, is still going to be excruciating.

You want to go into survival mode. That means shut down as many systems as you can. You don’t need to be arguing with a drunk for example. If your family members are turning on you (and with this much Scorpio I bet they are), you are going to have to let them. It’s like a forest burning down. You can get in there and try, but ultimately it is bigger than you and trying to fight the inevitable will only get you burned. You’ve just got to hunker down and let the thing burn… let nature take its course. Eventually it will burn itself out at that point you can take stock. Who is left? Who are your friends? What family do you have left?

And I want to tell you you’re not going to have much. I am sorry but I am just trying to warn you and really… tell you what you already know. You will be lucky to come out of this with one loyal friend so look for that. Look for the one good thing or person in your life and focus there while this fire burns. Now here’s a map:

In the very near term, you will still be coming to terms with the fact your mother is gone. Expect any depression to deepen as reality sets in; this is unavoidable. And although you are going to feel bad awhile, this will peak by August and then slowly… very slowly improve.

And although the blacker feelings will ease as Saturn moves out of aspect with your Scorpio Moon and Venus, you will still be dealing with a Neptune transit which will have you inordinately sensitive and emotional… perhaps crying at the drop of a hat. Tears come and you don’t even know why. Crying at movies. Crying when various music comes into your head. Crying because someone (finally) said something nice to you. Crying for the sake of crying.

And I know no way to make this easier, outside of telling you that you can be sure you are not crazy because you are going to wonder at times.

So basically what you have is the crisis of your lifetime. Look for a lifeline. Just one. And when you find it, hold on to it and ignore everything else the best you can. I’m so very sorry. I know you can make it through this.

Much love and good luck.

~~
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Dear Man,

Well you’re right on schedule. You have Saturn in Pisces at 0 degrees, about to be opposed by Saturn in at 0 degrees Virgo in September - and here you are taking a look at the structure and the reality (Saturn) of how you are living in relation to your age. The point is to take stock and make corrections as needed and in this case it seems a correction is going to be necessary. Because bottom line, you want to grow up and she (probably quite rightly) does not!

So there are issues of control (Saturn) here, in that you want her to her to conform and show up for your relationship… as if it were a job? I’m not saying it’s like this but I would not be surprised if she thinks it’s like this and you start to get the idea here.

It seems this gal likes you just fine. She likes to dance anyway. But as far as settling down, this is obviously is not her priority and I don’t think that’s likely to change.

I don’t think it’s likely to change because people rarely get more enthusiastic over their partner in year 3 or 4 than they were in year 1. Also, as people settle into relationship they become more “themselves” not less, and it seems this gal is and wants to be a free bird.

So this leaves you with reality. You have a girlfriend who has limits and those limits are very likely to constrict not expand. How you weigh this and what you do about it is going to be up to you.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Virgo,

I don’t think running home is going to solve this. Your chart reeks of everything you just described. For example, the disappearing partners? You have Neptune (erase) on your descendant (relationships) - so wherever you go, you are going to find this scenario constellating and only consciousness will help.

Same on the family issues. If you go home you are depressed around family. If you stay in your new land, you are depressed with no family but help is on the way.

However the help that is coming is Saturn’s transit through Virgo and Saturn is not some kind of light fare thing. Virgo will be called upon to grow up and define themselves and this goes for all Virgos not just you.

But specific to you, all your Virgo (and your natal Saturn) is concentrated in and around the 4th house / Moon which represents your family and your roots. And you can see how things are things are beginning to become concentrated here and I’ll tell you exactly what you are going to have to do to resolve this:

You are going to have to build (Saturn) your own family (4th house). You will have to be responsible for putting down your roots, wherever you want them and basically mapping out your piece of ground and I will use my friend, Denis as an example because he’s a good one.

Denis came to the US from Cameroon and he has been here 15 years or so. He is well established in this country but maintains connections with his home country both here and there.

He stays in contact, and is currently opening a business in Cameroon. Closer to home (this home) he is part of a network, a support group of sorts for transplanted Cameroonians who have relocated to this city. He has also formed relationships with people who have nothing to do with Cameroon… however he feeds them his home food!

I’m sure you get the picture. This is the answer. You can go home but if you do, you still need to map out and stake your territory and one more tip:

Personally, this is a 5 year odyssey you are heading into, so please adjust your watch to “very slow progress”.

Good luck!

~~
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Dear Mourning,

What an excellent question. I am very sorry for your loss and first need to tell you I have no ability connect with someone who has passed and transfer information. So I can’t tell you what your mother or your aunt may or may not know but I still think I may be able to help.

Having encountered more than my share of death in this life, I’ve been forced to develop some kind of philosophy about this because my natural reaction to loss was very similar to what you are experiencing. I just could not parse the deaths in my life and resolve them in a way that could bring me lasting peace. And part of the reason was that like in your case, the deaths came one after another, my feelings cascaded and I could not keep up.

But eventually I did find a way of seeing things that brought me a calm understanding around death that has held for about 15 years - so I’ll share it with you in the hope it helps.

You say you want some kind of connection with these women and with Venus (love/female) in the 8th (death/inheritance), the fact is that their energy flows very naturally to you. People with planets in the 8th house inherit the energy of the dead and carry their legacy whether they are aware of not. And since this is exactly what you’re seeking, this seems a fairly easy thing to resolve. Their energy is with you and I only need make you aware of this.

See when someone dies, that’s their body. There goes their body; they can no longer use it, but what about their energy? Their energy is still with us. And if you wonder if this is true, just think of a writer. The writer is dead, but their book is with us and anytime someone reads that book, they access the dead person’s energy. Their energy is right there, in their hands. So how can you say this person is gone? Their body is gone, their energy is here.

But what if the person did not write a book? No problem. They did something.

In this case, your mother had a baby: you. You are her energy. She made you just like that writer made that book. So how can she be gone when you’re still here? You are wearing her face, don’t you know this? Go look in the mirror and see your mother.

Further, I happen to know that you write. And don’t your mother’s words come through you at times? Don’t you use her phrasing or rephrase her ideas at times? If so, how can you say she’s not here? She is coming through you all the time. You express her energy… constantly. People who knew your mother look at you and see your mother so how can you say she is gone?

My grandfather (Henry) haunts this blog. When he died, I nearly died. But Henry has gone nowhere. Oh, his body is gone but he lives through me. I would not be me had he not been my grandfather, and I am here impacting people everyday - empowered by Henry who is dead. I am Henry’s legacy. And when I die, Henry will still live through my children and through the people who have read here and been moved by what I have to say which originated in Henry… and the person before Henry and the person before him (or her).

So this is my advice:come to see the truth. You are your mother and your aunt. You are an amalgamation of them and others and none of these people can ever leave you or you them, and mad?? You think they may be mad because you were not there when they died?

How do you know you weren’t there when they died? You may very well have been the last thing that crossed their minds. You’re the man with Venus in the 8th. You may have kissed them both sweetly right before they died. The physical body is joke. We are dealing with souls here.

I say, go live. You are what your mother has left behind to carry her energy and her message forward. You can honor the dead by living the best life you can on the on the energy they’ve bequeathed you. How can you love your lost ones and do anything less?

Much love and good luck.

~~
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