Dear Aries,

You have articulated your situation beautifully and I wonder if you have tried to tell your mother exactly what you just told me. Your post is balanced, it is fair, and it is full of love yet firm.

I would go as far as to say that anyone who can write and think like this is well equipped to parent so the first thing I’d suggest is you go over just exactly what it is you’re saying to your mother that might be triggering her. Are you in some kind of negative pattern, both yelling at each other? If this is the case, perhaps you can write her. And to answer your specific questions…

You can show her your love and appreciation by asking her to relinquish control to you rather than demanding it, because she’s got an investment now too. You can also thank her for being there and for stepping in, but explain that in order for you to completely heal you have got to resume your place as the mother in your son’s life.

Now as far as money goes, I hope you are using yours because if you are using hers… it complicates the situation. If this is the case and is a factor here, I would work very hard to become independent - because it is not fair you call the shots and another person finance them.

Last, do I think you can fix this? Absolutely for the reasons described in the first paragraph up there.

Good luck.

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Dear Struggling,

It doesn’t matter if I think you are supposed to be okay with this situation (I don’t) because the fact is, you are not okay with this situation. You have the chart of a very disciplined person, a strong parent and there is just no way you are going to be comfortable with children running amok and running the household.

Thing is, there is little you can do without your fiance’s willing cooperation and while it sounds as if he may be learning, he is certainly learning slowly - which is another thing you cannot control.

It is also common that people resent the person who shows up trying to achieve some kind of order when they are used to disorder. Who the hell are you to come in and rain on their parade? Last, you are outnumbered. It is you and your son (who I assume is like you) against these three mavericks so what to do?

Well you can ask and you’ve done that. You can set an example and you’ve done that too, so this leaves you to decide whether you can stick this out or not.

Can you tolerate the situation in the hopes it gets better - or alternately, can you tolerate this situation until his children are older and take off in their own direction? Because I really don’t think you are going to be able to be able to have much effect on the scenario without your fiance’s 100% support, which he is clearly not offering. In fact is sounds like the whole family is making you the bad guy and eventually, yeah. This is going to color the way your son sees you.

I am sorry but this sounds like there is incompatibility at a fundamental level and I would really recommend against marriage until and unless the two of you can come to some kind of agreement and show some solidarity for the sake of everyone involved.

Good luck.

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Dear Mom,

I just knew when I looked at your chart I was going to see a whole bunch of Libra and sure enough, you have your Sun, Moon, Mercury and Pluto in Libra and bottom line, you do not want to be alone. You were born to partner and I do not mean to upset or insult you but you have got to get your son out of your bed if you want any hope whatsoever of solving this.

You see, by sleeping with him you are treating him as if he is your man… your partner so no wonder he hates the idea of you with another man. It’s as if you are cheating on him! Do you expect him to step aside and have this other man take his place? Why in the world would he do that? He may be 10 but he is a 10 year old man and you are his territory!

You absolutely have to get this kid out of your bed for his sake and for yours and beyond that, establish clear boundaries where you are the parent. You are the the adult, who perhaps sleeps with an adult man. He is the child who can sleep with a woman when he grows up and finds one that is not his mother!

I am sure he will raise holy hell when you send him to his own bed (the couch, a blanket on the floor, whatever) but the longer you wait the worse your problem is going to get. I am very sorry but there is just no other way to begin to put this right because the reason he does not accept your authority is because in his mind, you are his woman and I bet you you’re dealing with some machismo here as well.

I appreciate the two of you are here together and need each other very much but you must recognize your own need a partner and your partner CANNOT be your son.

Good luck.

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Dear Father,

You are a double Gemini and having a Saturn transit which will pressure you to do the right thing. The right thing is to take responsibility for your children in spite of more childish impulses. It seems you have figured this out so now what?

Well you can’t be in three countries at once and you probably can’t be with either of these women, however you can support them because look here: They are raising your babies for you and this is no small favor.

So that’s what you do. I don’t care what happened. I don’t care what he said, she said or who did what. You have two children that other people are taking care of and if you begin to pitch in, you will begin to feel strong rather than weak. Here is how:

Write or call the mothers of your kids and ask them, “How can I help you?” And listen to what they say. Say things like this: “I want to help you with the baby… I want to know my child, I care about my baby and I care about you and I care that you have assumed all the burden for this child we made together.”

And not things like this, “Well it’s your fault! If you’ve not have done blah, blah, blah…”

Do this. Grow up and do the right thing to the best of your ability and you will be feeling much better a couple years down the road when Saturn winds up this transit. Don’t do this and you will feel shame. And pain.

Wouldn’t it be better to try to heal this? I think so. And give the women time. It is very hard to care for a child alone. They are probably very angry but if you are consistent and sincere… well this is all the universe wants, you know? And one more thing.

With a Leo rising and a 10th house Sun, you are a natural father and I don’t think you can deny it. Bottom line, your kids need to know they have a father somewhere in this world… someone they can point to and say, “That’s my dad.” You’re him so for Godsakes, stand up.

Good luck.

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Dear Mom,

Hearty congratulations on your baby on the way! No, I don’t think you need to be even one whit concerned with how you’re going to get along with your child. You will be absolutely amazed at how the baby you’re making will fit into the puzzle that is your life. Further, you will wonder how you ever functioned without this person.

Now I in case sound like a Pollyanna, I am well aware there are parents who don’t get along with their kids but that is because they don’t get along, period. They don’t get along with themselves!

It’s apparent from your post that you get along with your husband, which means you get along with yourself. So your baby is going to be nothing but another person you both get along with, so there is no need to worry. However I know the first pregnancy is a terror and you have to worry about something, so here is a replacement worry:

Instead of worrying about whether you will like your kid and them you, worry about how you can love yourself and your husband more than ever before… and be amazed by those results as well.

Congratulations again. Much love and good luck.

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Dear Virgo,

You are only 32 so if you have two teenage children, you have spent half your life raising them… you have been in service to them and now they are unruly and causing you problems. I think that right there is something most people would resent on some level, conscious or otherwise.

I also have no doubt you love your kids intensely so maybe you see what I am getting at. It is possible the setup with your boyfriend is the setup with others in your life: a pattern of caring and loving coupled with resentment. And I am sure this is fairly disturbing to read but the fact is, if I am right and you can make this conscious, it is going to open up a plethora of options for you which to me would be a very good outcome because right now you’re stuck.

Did you notice you complained your boyfriend is resentful and then copped to feeling resentful yourself? What would happen if you forgot about his resentment and focused instead on your own? If you made a list of all the things you resent, would you be surprised how much is on it? I bet you would.

And you might not like this process but if you stayed with it, I think you’d experience a deep shift in how you see things which would alter what is essentially a power struggle between you and your boyfriend.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Pregnant,

I am sorry you have such a hard road ahead and I will try to help. First, I would not even think about relocating. This guy is not grown up or realistic but you are going to have to be because you have the baby. And you have a Saturn transit and what you need is a plan, so I will give you one.

First step is to forget about him for the moment, and to draw some lines around what you are and are not going to do. You want to mark out some territory, so you have some sort of safe space for the baby to be born into.

First, you are not going to move. Say it once, you don’t need to discuss it.

Second, you should not be around people who tell you they are sorry your baby is in your body. So if this guy does not have the sense not to say things like that, I would recommend you cut off contact and tell him you will call him when the baby is born.

This will require you facing the fact you are having this baby alone, which is going to hurt. However, you are having this baby alone unless this guy turns into a man and you know what? He may. But when and if this happens is out of your control, and I surely wouldn’t expect it. Your job now is to become a parent so just think about this:

Think about standing holding your newborn baby in your arms, trying to argue with this guy over his driver’s license? Does that sound sane to you? It’s not. When your baby is born, you are going to be consumed taking care of an infant and you want your space as calm as possible. Your child deserves this. So right now, you don’t need to know or care if this guy has a driver’s license or not. It’s irrelevant. If he ever wants to take your baby in a car (in a car seat), then he will obviously need to get one but I hope you see my point.

You have a baby coming and you have to conserve your resources. Every mother does but this goes double and triple if you are going to be alone with a baby, so please…

Tell this guy you will call him when the baby is born and work these other things out. Take the space between now and then to quiet yourself and prepare for the birth. And don’t worry about this guy. The way he is acting, he comes LAST. He is the last consideration and if you disengage, I think you will begin to see this and find your way clear.

Don’t forget to do your research around collecting child support. Focus up and make some calls. You’re a mother now.

Much love and good luck.

~~
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Dear Mom,

You are within your rights to cut off financial support to your adult daughter and her children… your grandchildren. But it does not sound like you would be within your comfort zone, so you’re caught! However, I have a trick for you. Consider this:

First off, you have Jupiter rising and you are preachy. Don’t get pissed with that Aries Moon of yours. I just want you think about this like the Gemini you are. Think about how you preach to your daughter and think about how you try to control her (Aries Moon). And while you are busy doing all this, she doesn’t have to do anything. She just rebels! Get it? As long as you do what you do, she is going to do what she does… so how about you throw her a curve ball? Set some limits for yourself. I don’t know what you’re giving her - time, money or both. But how about you tell her what it’s going to be like this:

“I will watch your kids 6 hours a week and give you $200 a month and after that you’re on your own”.

But here’s the trick: You don’t get to say anything about how she uses the time or the money you donate. When you give something it is gone like a gift. And it’s her business what she does with her resources! And if you can restrain yourself from preaching and trying to control her, what will happen?

Well at first she will probably waste them, expecting you to come back in with your old tune. But if you can resist correcting her or interfering, she will have no choice but to stop and think,”Uh oh. Mommy isn’t acting like Mommy anymore. Could it be I need to grow up?”

And then she probably will. Because she has all your teachings and preachings already. So trusting that, get out of the way and give it some time and I think you may be surprised at the result.

Good luck.
~~
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Dear Virgo,

You sound tired and I’m not surprised considering you are alone with a 4 month old baby. I think it may help if you can draw some lines, so this is the tack I am going to take.

First there’s a line between the past which you can do nothing about, and the future which you can affect. Based on this, I would recommend you focus forward, because you have no energy to waste or even to spare. What is done is done. You have a baby, this man is the father and you go from here - because you have no choice.

There’s another line between you and him. How he can not tell his girlfriend that he has a child is none of your business. And this is good, because it means you don’t have to worry about it. The fact is that people do all kinds of strange, unfathomable things and it is not your job to figure out why. Further, what other people do is completely outside of your control. So on that note, you cannot force this man’s hand so this is another thing you can quit thinking about. How do you force someone to be a parent, anyway? You don’t. But there are some things you can do.

You can arrange for him to pay child support if you haven’t already. If you sleep with him when he comes over angry at his girlfriend, you can stop that as well because I can’t imagine it’s good for you.

What would serve you and your daughter best is for you to focus on building a strong base for the two of you. Because obviously her father is a flake. Will he always be a flake? We don’t know. But I would suggest you assume he will, and that all energy you spend focused on him will result in a loss.

Think of it like a slot machine in Vegas. You dumped your money in and nothing came out. How long are you going to stay in this casino? How long are you going to keep dumping money into that same machine, thinking it’s going to pay out?

I say cut our losses. This man is not concerned with you or your daughter’s welfare and it’s your job to surround yourself with people who are. So how about get busy doing that and to hell with this guy. But get the child support. Call for help… it’s there. You are in the US and virtually every state will pursue these resources for you. You only need give them his name.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Home,

I agree with your friend and with you since your friend is not telling you anything you don’t know, I don’t think it’s clarity that will be most helpful. What you need is permission to evict your ungrateful daughter, pregnant or otherwise, and as far as I am concerned you have it. You not only can do this, you should do this.

Your daughter is in her 30’s, and you are no longer responsible for her. You are in your 50’s - and disabled or otherwise, you don’t sound like you anywhere near dying. So you’d be well advised to get your house back, sell it and secure your future. And I don’t think this will be easy.

Your daughter has copious amounts of Scorpio and is a skilled manipulator. You are a Taurus with a Libra Rising so you want to be nice, and furthermore Venus rules your Sun and Ascendant is in Pisces, inclining you to act as a doormat. Considering this, it’s plain to see that if you don’t stand up and fight, she will get your house (she already has it) and you will wind up her victim.

Now your Moon (rules the home) is caught up in the current Saturn Neptune opposition and at the moment you are drawing lines (Saturn) which then erase (Neptune). So this tendency is this there but I feel you must fight it. Cut your losses with your daughter on all levels… let her go. Because you are sacrificing yourself for someone who doesn’t even care about you. And I am sorry to say that, but I don’t think it’s news. So here’s a plan:

Evict your daughter. Sounds harsh, but you will never get her out any other way. Expect to have to deal with waves of emotion and times where you question yourself, am I do the right thing and so forth. When these feelings come, call your friend for support. Expect your daughter to use her baby to foster feelings of obligation in you, but hold your line. And you can equate this to alcoholism.

You are trying to get sober here, okay? And that is never easy! But if you don’t manage this the bottle (your daughter) is going to take your house, plain and simple.

Good luck.
~~
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