Dear Aries,

You have articulated your situation beautifully and I wonder if you have tried to tell your mother exactly what you just told me. Your post is balanced, it is fair, and it is full of love yet firm.

I would go as far as to say that anyone who can write and think like this is well equipped to parent so the first thing I’d suggest is you go over just exactly what it is you’re saying to your mother that might be triggering her. Are you in some kind of negative pattern, both yelling at each other? If this is the case, perhaps you can write her. And to answer your specific questions…

You can show her your love and appreciation by asking her to relinquish control to you rather than demanding it, because she’s got an investment now too. You can also thank her for being there and for stepping in, but explain that in order for you to completely heal you have got to resume your place as the mother in your son’s life.

Now as far as money goes, I hope you are using yours because if you are using hers… it complicates the situation. If this is the case and is a factor here, I would work very hard to become independent - because it is not fair you call the shots and another person finance them.

Last, do I think you can fix this? Absolutely for the reasons described in the first paragraph up there.

Good luck.

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Dear Woman,

There is such a thing as a woman who just can’t stand to see another woman happy, especially with a man - and your mother sounds as if she fits the prototype. You can read about cock-blocking here, and get some idea of what you are dealing with. She’s not happy with a man so you are going to be happy with a man over her dead body.

Now the point of this is to become educated so you can take the next step which is to detach. Perhaps detach all together if you can manage, but I am not sure you can manage with your Moon in Cancer in hard aspect to Jupiter and Saturn. With aspects like that, you may find yourself stuck and in complete candor, I think in order to survive this you are going to have to tap your whole being - which is not the worst news in the world considering that people not called to do so have talent that goes to waste. In whatever case here’s your map:

You have a stellium in Pisces which gives the innate ability to transcend but when you do this, I want you to have a solid base (Saturn) and belief and philosophy (Jupiter) beneath your action. If you have this all together you will be acting as a whole which sounds like this:

“I know my mother is an unhappy woman and I forgive her for that, however I am going to erect whatever boundary is necessary so that I can transcend her and offer my children a more secure and evolved environment… which is my responsibility in this life.”

Good luck.

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Dear Love,

I am very sorry for how the way you are hurting and I do not think that because you are young (almost 18) that you do not know anything about love. It is clear you are a sensitive young woman with an open heart and that is all it takes to feel love. That said, you’ve got a real problem with your Dad.

Now it’s not clear if he is typically violent. I don’t know if he beats you, if he beats others, or if he went off on some kind of crazed attack in a misguided attempt to protect his daughter. What is clear is you are not going to be able to date with your father around, unless some changes are made.

If you have some semblance of a relationship with your father - which is sounds like you might - then please try to reason with him. Try to get him to see that you are growing up and he must step aside and allow you to develop. Perhaps this is possible. Does he have remorse what he has done? If he does, then you probably have a chance to reason with him.

On the other hand, if he is beating you and if he is just an incorrigible controlling tyrant, then I am afraid you are going to have to plot your way out of there so that you can conduct your life and have a boyfriend without fearing violent attack.

There is a third scenario. It is possible this boy broke the rules of your culture by seeing you without first securing your father’s permission. If this is the case, your father obviously overreacted but it is worth noting.

As for the boy… people may not like it but I am disappointed in him for abandoning you. I acknowledge it is possible he did it to protect you. You did not tell us if your father beat you or not, see. But let me answer your direct question:

Is there a chance the boy will come around? There is a chance. If you are meant to be with him he most certainly will, but his not answering your calls suggests he is not as serious about you as you are about him. And let’s not forget this boy reported having troubled relationships in the past. He seemed to be telling you in advance there was going to be a problem.

Will he forgive you and your father? You are not responsible for your father’s violent act so you do not need to be forgiven, you’ve done nothing wrong. As to how he feels about your father, it does not appear he wants to negotiate this, but rather he would like to escape the situation, leaving you holding the bag.

You sound like a very nice, very loving young woman and your chart is grand. I say figure out how you’re going to manage your father if this is possible, or otherwise how you are going to get out of that house and have a life.

And if this is cultural… well the next boy you meet, please tell him what he’s got to do to garner your father’s permission to date you. And if he won’t do it, you will know he’s the wrong boy.

Good luck and again I am very sorry for your pain.

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Dear Woman,

Arrrrrgh. Your father is a controlling jackass, and your astrologer is a liar. Your man in South America does in fact smack of your father, in that they are both very controlling men.

You are only 24 years old which means you met the man in South America when you were 21, and that he is nearly 10 years older than you. This leads me to think your father’s concerns may have merit; however the techniques he uses to control his daughter are abhorrent.

Now I were him, I would voice my opinion once and then let you go live your life. I do think the crap your father has pulled has increased the appeal of the man, because you have Moon square Uranus and are naturally going to rebel against your family / your roots.

As for the karmic connection between you and this man, I don’t see it. I think he is a father substitute. Your father is a pot calling the kettle black… but I also think it takes one to know one.

The man is attractive also because he is inaccessible, which makes it easy for your Moon in Pisces to dream him into whatever you want. I think if you were living in the same house with this guy, reality would hit quickly and hit you hard.

Last, just to help the Pisces… you say this man supported you and I believe you. But so did your father over the course of your life. I hate to say that. I hate defending a bastard, it‘s just that you are very smart and you understand psych and I think if you can see the mirror image here, you can get free which with Moon square Uranus, ultimately what you want.

Here’s my plan (yet a third person trying to run your life)…

Recognize you are oppressed by both men because the South American is preventing you from having fun with men who live nearby and offering nothing but invitations you travel to his doorstep. (Saturn opposite Mars in the birth chart)

Then work towards the goal of achieving independence… independent of father figures.

Good luck.

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Dear Confused,

You’re 27 years old and you have lost your mother. I feel terribly sad for you and I want to do what you ask. I want to help you solve your problem and help yourself and the first thing I want you to know is your boyfriend’s inability and/ or unwillingness to help you through this crisis is not a reflection on you.

Also, his criticizing and calling you “needy” during a time when anyone with a beating heart would have enhanced needs is cold and uncalled for.

Now it sounds to me as if you are functioning very well. A little too well maybe and I get it. Losing your mother is a terrible blow and the last thing you want to do is lose your boyfriend simultaneously. Anyone with half a brain would do anything in their power to prevent something like this; however it may not be possible. It may be he is not the one for you and you are going to suffer a total life crisis at this juncture.

And I am sorry to say that but I don’t know how to avoid saying it - because this guy is not helping you, now when you need him the most. And does that sound like someone you want as a life partner?

Look. I am so sorry. But I think you have been staving off the grieving you are going to have to do and I don’t think your boyfriend is going to magically turn competent which means you are on your own… sort of.

You are on your own except for the fact that there are support groups everywhere… and if I were you I would get hooked up with them immediately. This is one way you can take care of yourself without relying on him and it is possible if you do this it will take some pressure off him and perhaps (?) he will be able to better respond. But either way, you will be taking a positive step and you are almost sure to make new friends - which it sounds like you could really use.

I am so sorry for your loss. Much love and good luck.

~~
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Dear Capricorn,

Without a doubt, your duty is to yourself. Your parents had a life. They have their own life now too, and this one is yours to live.

That said, the fact you feel some responsibility towards them is part of your nature. It’s an authentic feature of your personality, so this is why you feel the way you do - and I think you can count on it preventing you from running off to join the circus anytime soon. People are endlessly complex and you are no exception to that, but to try to simplify - this is a quick sketch of you:

• Venus and Mars in Aquarius wants to innovate and make its own rules.
• Pluto in the tenth house wants a powerful job.
• Your packed twelfth house wants to escape - to merge with something universal through music, and your planets in Sagittarius wants to expand via travel and education.

But you are also a triple Capricorn and there is no getting away from that. Your life in large part is about hard work. Your life is a job, and your job is to actualize your entire personality… so I would suggest you forget the idea of drastically amputating this or that part of you and the investment you’ve made in yourself. Instead, think about how you can allow all these parts of yourself expression. Be creative. Working this out is your task this life.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Issues,

It is clear that you have problems and need help beyond what I can offer in an advice blog. But perhaps I can give you some clues that will send you in the right direction.

First, you have no separation with your family. I don’t care if you traveled around the world and thought yourself independent: you carry their energy. The way I like to put it is, you have swallowed them whole. They live in you.

If you question this, go look in the mirror. Whose eyes are those? Whose eyebrows? You can see the physical manifestation of this, and I assure you this merge with your family takes place on other (all) levels.

So using this analogy, you can comb your (inherited) hair however you want. You can dye your hair or shave your head… but you can be sure that when your hair grows out, it’s going to be what? It is going to be your family hair. And you cannot escape this even if it is horribly disturbing to you.

And having Libra and a packed 7th house, I sure you want it to be them not you.
And having Aquarius rising I am sure you want to see yourself as an individual.
And having your Sun conjunct Neptune in Sagittarius, I am sure you want to be a high-minded spiritual sort.

But the fact remains, you have your family’s energy. The only way you are going to be able to resolve your problems is by understanding this, accepting and integrating it… so that ultimately you can have command of it and I’ll give you an example.

It is well and widely known that I was raised by a criminal and in fact I am not an innocent. I cop to having inherited a criminal mind and I use it on a daily basis to write this blog… which I feel is a high-minded service.

You can do the same with your family’s negative energy… but not until and unless you acknowledge you have been passed this baton.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Girl,

Your stepmother sounds hideous and I’m sorry you’re hurting. Your question is good one and I do have some ideas. First, give yourself some credit. You sound pretty healthy to me, in spite of how traumatic these last six years have been for you and I think you ought to be proud.

And on your pain, I hate to further rush your growing up, but the fact is you have a very difficult chart. I do think it will help if you understand things now that most people don’t have to grasp until they are closer to 30. So please forgive me for further ruining your childhood by smashing your illusions, but I really can’t see any other way to ease this for you.

See, the real way to fix this is rewind it back to when you were 14 and have it not play this way, but that’s not possible. You can only go forward, so… the main way you can feel better is to detach from your father some. And I don’t mean, love him less. I just want you to try to see him (at least momentarily) less as “Daddy” and more as a human being, with flaws and limitations. Because this is what he is.

For example, your Dad needs a wife. He can’t do without one; he has been married five times! Which means he has been divorced four times, which must mean he’s not perfect! So this woman, though she may be a banshee, is in your father’s life because he can’t do without her . And this makes it a marriage between two flawed human beings, which is the case in all marriages.

Now if you can look at it this way (and eventually you will), you can begin to move away from your 14-year-old-girl hurt feelings and towards the more mature, 30-year-old woman’s perspective that lies in your future. Seeing and accepting your father as a flawed human being and his wife as another flawed human being changes everything and this will bring relief.

This is not to say you should not be crying and mourning your loss, because there has been an authentic loss. But you asked for a trick, so there it is. Your father’s wife is hurting your 14 year old self… still. At 30, she will have no such power. So as soon as you’re ready, take the leap. Hit “hyperspace” and you will never again have to feel the way you did when you wrote this letter.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Girlfriend,

No! Don’t even think about it. Not only do you not need to be around his mother, you’re a Leo having a child! And the last thing you need is to live in a basement… ever! You stay in the sunshine, okay? Have your baby in the light!

But aside from that - just as a general rule, it’s never a good idea to go towards something that makes you crazy. This is particularly true when you are somebody’s mother, because parenting is very hard and you need to be sane to do it! So it’s good that this is coming up. Because having a baby is a big deal that requires you change your life completely. So this is a chance for you to make some good, positive changes and I have complete faith you can do exactly that. So here’s your key:

You are a sane person: kind, caring, generous and giving. We can all see this from your post. So next time you want to know what to do, you do not have to ask me. You need only check your feelings and do what feels good and right, because what feels good and right, is good and right. And what is good and right for you is going to be good and right for your baby. And your boyfriend’s mother?

Well she should be supporting you, not the other way around. You do what you want, but considering she ignores you anyway, I think it would be completely reasonable to tell your boyfriend he’s on his own when he wants to visit his mother. See if this doesn’t encourage her to change her behavior. Because she does not show you the respect you deserve, which is another thing mothers can’t do Allow their children to see them be mistreated, that is.

Bottom line, I think you have a good , solid heart. If you vow to go with that, you’re going to be fine.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Lost In Love,

Yeah, I have some advice and so does my editor, HQ, who I consulted on your question because I consider him an expert on this subject. Half-Asian himself (and married to an Asian woman), he came back with this learned advice:

• The man has to be prepared to endure a lot, over the long haul. If he is a good man, the mother will almost certainly come around. It may take 10-20 years though… not everyone is prepared to endure that. On a practical level, he needs to be prepared for the family to completely reject him at first. If he sees it as just the first step in a long journey, than it’s much less painful.
• It’s true that the mother will never be able to fully connect to someone who isn’t Vietnamese. But there are other ways to create commonality.. he will have to work hard to find these. For example, maybe she loves Music… or Education. These are things that he can connect over.
• Finally, it seems like the parents hold all the cards… but that’s not true. If the parents love their daughter, they are going to want her to be happy. So that’s one thing in his favor. The other huuuuuuuge advantage that he has is babies. If he can hold out until they have a baby together, her parents will almost certainly accept him. After all, who can reject their own flesh and blood? Once they have a baby, then he is part of the family by definition.
• So basically, he has to be prepared for a waiting game… but time is on his side.

~~
So that’s that, and here’s my bit:

I would also expect problems. Your mother has made it very clear how she feels about this and like HQ, I have personal experience with these issues from the other angle.

I am an Italian who married a man whose family of WASPs who were dead set against this, in spite of the fact his sister had also married Italian and been enormously happy for fourteen years, with two children.

So when I traveled to meet my future in laws, I met this sister and her Italian husband first, who were obviously very supportive of our relationship. And when we pulled up in front of their house, the husband ran out to meet up on the sidewalk, fell to his knees in dramatic Italian style, kissed my hand, stood up and hugged me, swung me around and nearly threw me up in the air he was so gleeful.

“Finally!” he said. “Finally one of my people! Please tell my wife I’m not yelling,” he said in his loud Italian voice.

I laughed. He was Aquarian.

“Tell her this is talking, not yelling! I have been trying to explain this to her for 14 years!”

I looked over at his wife, who was grinning ear to ear. These two were in love, see. “He’s not yelling,” I said in my loud Italian voice that matched his. “THIS IS YELLING!” I bellowed. The Italian guy roared and covered in kisses.

“See? What I tell you?” he said. He was an immigrant, see. She’d met him in Italy and imported him.

But anyway, later over dinner the conversation became more serious when he explained that even after fourteen years of making his wife the happiest woman in the world… “I am still an outsider in this family,” he said. And it pained him. “Look at these beautiful children,” he said. And they were. Those kids were gorgeous and he could not understand the lack of heart in this family. So considering this, I think you and your man are going to have a real challenge. But here’s the thing:

I looked at your chart and you have an Aquarius Moon. You very much want to be liberated from your family. There is a part of you who wants to shock them as well. And you also have some serious Sagittarius so you are going to favor “foreigners” and fare well with them. So it’s my opinion that a marriage like this is part of your destiny. I just don’t think you’ll be happy with a traditional situation. You crave expansion which is not what you get when you marry someone who looks like your brother… and your other brother… and your other brother too!

So I say, go forward. But it’s very important you stand with your partner when and if your family move to trash him. Because they very well might. And if you are willing to do this… well go back and see HQ’s advice. Because I think he’s on track.

What do the rest of you think? Anyone else have experience with this? Tell us.