Dear Elsa,

I have been dating a man for four years now. He has been very supportive of me emotionally at a time when I especially needed someone to make me feel loved and accepted. He is very focused on me, watching me all the time and telling me he wants to take care of me. He sometimes complains that my mood is not what is called for; i.e., I am not romantic enough or focused enough on him. His ultimate ambition is a successful relationship with his woman.

I’ve had the experience of a long-term relationship with a man who was emotionally distant and I was miserable, so I know the value of finding a man who wants to be emotionally close. The problem is finances. He has a good job, but he never has really aspired to anything more than just a job. He also has a lot of debt from his first marriage. I’ve worked hard to gain a post-graduate degree and have taken some risks that have enabled me to make more money.

One of my priorities in a marriage is that we be able to attain an above average standard of living. I fear that I would be settling for something less than that if I were to marry this man. And yet, I know that money does not make happiness.

We are both in our forties and he is a Libra. What do you think?

Unsure

Ask the collective…

(note - Originally published, November, 2006)

Elsa,

I feel like I’m in the midst of yet another transition or maybe still transitioning, having not yet found my place in the world, not yet found my love/life partner in this world, not yet found my livelihood in this world and desperate for all (and secretly wishing they are all intertwined with each other). It’s not for lack of opportunity or interested companions -I’ve had & have numerous wonderful men profess their love & desire to be married or build a life together. Ok, so maybe I’m a commitment-phobe aka having to have everything right & perfect before I can completely trust and commit.

Where is this ridiculous fear coming from? I know… it’s coming from me. I suppose the real question is, how do I bust it?…will I bust it?…so I might fully engage in life like I know is possible!!

Many thanks Elsa for your insight!!

Looking For My Captain’s Hat

Dear Elsa,

I have been dating someone for the past year and half, only to find out through a mutual friend that this person has been in a relationship with someone else for the same amount of time. He has actually been living with her for the past year and half and will be marrying her this coming September. Of course I cannot describe the pain and disappointment, especially since I was totally open with him about everything and he made me a promise that he was honest as well. I was devastated to find out he didn’t even have the guts to tell me that he was getting married but that he would continue to see me while he was making plans to get married.

What I cannot seem to get over is why. Why would someone want to hurt someone else who showed them nothing but love and respect? Why play with other people’s feelings and why think its ok to do such a thing? How do Ii move on from the “why”? It’s not even that he is getting married, I have come to terms with that. It is the “why” that I cannot get over. Thanks.

Betrayed
Eritrea

Dear Elsa,

One of my occupations is performing the flute. It seems as if I’m always placed second chair when I feel I can do better. Then, on those rare occasions when I do get to play first, circumstances are such that prevent me from doing my best, and it makes me want to shoot myself in front of the director because now he thinks I’m not a good player.

Other instrumentalists see my worthiness for first chair, but when I actually get the spot, something always goes wrong. For instance, a few months ago I had a beautiful solo as first chair, but that time was extremely stressful for me at my other job (teaching), and I had a nasty cold and a massive abscess in my nose that was spewing mucus and giving me the biggest headache. Needless to say, I messed up because I was in physical pain and found it so hard to focus.

Then, a few weeks ago I was assigned first flute for another gig, but my music didn’t arrive until 2 days before the rehearsal! I had only 48 hours to learn 15 pieces, whereas everyone else in the group got their music on time and had plenty of time to practice. Needless to say, I messed up.

This seems to be a recurrent trend since age 13, where I feel slighted out of first flute position. I’m starting to feel as if this is my destiny… to always be in the second spot, and if I am in the limelight, something’s gonna go wrong. Is there something in my chart that indicates that I’m meant to suck whenever I’m in the limelight? Or is this a 14 year long transit of some sort, astrology’s cruel joke on my performance career?

Or do I really suck, and my chart indicates that I have major ego issues or an unrealistic picture of my abilities? I’m usually not someone who asks for help, but on this topic, I am at the end of the straw! I would greatly appreciate some insight from you. Thanks!

Aquarian
United States

Dear Elsa,

I am in love with a guy who is 16 years younger than me, I have not told him this, although since we are really good friends I have told him I love him in the way friends can. He is with another girl, and I would never do anything to break it up, but I long for him with everything in me.

Since I do genuinely love him I won’t do anything that might interfere with his life, but I cannot figure out how to stop this longing, and the pain I feel when he is with his girlfriend.

Can you advise me how to get over him or what to do? I am not immature, although in fact this is the first time in my life I have been in love. I was married for 23 years, had seven children, and loved my husband, but was never in love with him.

I do not want to accidentally make a fool of myself in front of him, or embarrass him by saying something inappropriate, but unless I get over these feelings I fear slipping up.

Five Planets in Capricorn
Ireland

Dear Elsa,

Namaste’, so here’s the dilemma. I run into recurring problems with Taurus and Scorpio energies, mostly men, some female Scorpios. For the most part there is energy harmony with these signs, however, the anger, persistent & vindictiveness baffles me when in conflictive situations. I have not found a peaceful way that paves a road to resolution and often end up in a chaos standstill as a result. The anger situations never seem to dissipate once started and I am left with a WTF on what to do because nothing seems to work with them - unless “I cringe as I type this” give in to their demands ending up often belittled in the process which is bad juju for a Cap - we too do not forget.

Both signs can be highly manipulative and often self centered with a focus on “I want what I want from you and I better get it or else attitude”. Technically all signs want what they want to a degree, but I have found these signs take their wants and needs to the nth degree. I so desire a better way of coping with the backlash from both when they do not get “their way”.

Being a Capricorn, it would not surprise me that the stubbornness factor and unwillingness to budge in all 3 signs plays a great factor in the discord that occurs. I am not one to back down when justified with my actions. I am a healer/intuitive- and I have found they often do not want to “see” the light so to speak when unhealthy and negative. I often feel toppled over in fear from the vengeful nature of both the above signs. My primary situation revolves around standing up for the right things, when one or both of these signs are in a unhealthy state and hurting people, it becomes a dangerous tango and I have found one must possess a much needed skill in walking a fine line with them- or else. I am trying to help them, but I am concerned about being “burned” in the process due to hitting a trigger point that trips the anger and stubbornness factors of the signs.

Is there a way to diffuse them when in this mode? How do I cope with this issue in relationships and work environments without being taken advantage of or mowed over by them, yet still stand my ground for what I believe in and walk away in the end unmarred by the horns and stingers they possess?

Blessings,
The Miffed Cappie
United States

Dear Elsa,

Some things that have been bothering me for a long time now have finally come to a head this week, and I feel like the Dead Girl.

Literally. I feel like my life is over, and that it ended badly. At some point in my childhood (I even remember the day), I felt so incredibly hurt by the people around me that I decided then and there that I would NEVER deliberately hurt people the way I was being hurt. It became the meaning of my entire life.

I feel I have hurt people this past year, and I just… can’t… get past it. My life feels meaningless. Everything is just a motion I’m going through. I can’t figure out how to let it go. And the relationships in question have been cut off, not by me.

There are plenty of people who love me and want me to be happy, but none of that seems to matter. I am the Dead Girl, I have been for months now, and it’s really exhausting being here.

Gemini Dimming
United States

Dear Elsa,

I am in a relationship with a double Pisces man. I am a double Virgo. We are very attracted to each other sexually, and he tells me he loves me but for some reason I keep asking myself what his motivation is. He is very sweet and we understand each other well. Is it normal to feel un-trusting towards him?

Double Virgo
Morocco

Dear Elsa,

I have a huge problem with interview nerves. Every one I’ve ever been to has been hijacked by my nerves and I leave cringing at my inability to sell myself. I have never gotten a job from an interview alone and have been lucky to have reached my age without them.

My first job was not something I wanted to do but I was reasonably good at it. It was a friend of my father who got me the foot in the door. I stayed for 14 years and progressed some but only through reorganizations. My second and last job was got thru pure luck, i.e. the person was desperate and so was I. I was informally interviewed at my house too so comfortable in my surroundings. It was a job I really enjoyed luckily but with very poor pay. This was ok at the time as my partner had a good job but now we have split and I need to support myself. I had to move out of the area as I couldn’t afford the rents there so the job had to go too. I’m happy where I am though and have been living off earnings from the proceeds of our joint property but my confidence is shattered and even applying for jobs now turns my stomach.

I’m usually ok when I get to the place but once I’m in that chair I go blank and start stumbling over my words which makes me almost start hyperventilating. This is completely at odds with how I am in social situations where I am generally pretty confident and can talk to anyone. Things are reaching a crucial stage and I really need to find employment soon or I will be in deep trouble financially. I just can’t seem to find a way of combating my nerves. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you and keep doing a great job.

Nervous
United States