Dear Friend,

Advice and encouragement? Yes! I think you are completely on track. When it comes to friendship, quality trumps quantity in every way, shape and form. Stick with the friend who validates and values you and with time, exactly what you expect will occur.

You will slowly change and see things improve on all levels and when it is time for someone new to come into your life, they will find you. And on this note, HQ said something to me earlier this week.

We were talking about a friend of mine and a few weeks back HQ asked, “Does anyone in his life care about his happiness?”

I told him that I cared and outside of that, I really could not be sure. There are certain people out there who are so valuable as dumping grounds people don’t bother to think or care about how they feel and I thought he might fit this profile.

And a couple weeks have passed since we had this conversation and I have thought about it a lot. And I have scanned this man’s life for another entity concerned with his happiness. An although there are still some prospects I have yet to find a peer and reported the same to HQ.

“Well, you only really need to have one person who really cares about you in this life…”

That right there, is a home truth. Keep the friend that cares about you and you will find your way.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Young Man,

I appreciate and admire your sensitivity and think you are wise to consider this carefully before telling this girl how you are feel. Because unfortunately I would be very surprised she feels the same way, if she has never given you any indication of this. I’m sorry.

I also notice you didn’t mention how you came about knowing she was interested in someone else. But if she is the one who told you, you can be almost certain that she said this as a means to keep you at a distance. So if this is the case, I would definitely not say anything to her because you will do exactly as you fear… put her in an uncomfortable situation and almost certainly compromise the friendship, if not end it entirely.

But if she did not tell you about another man directly then perhaps you should bring this up. Put on the table and I’ll tell you the best way to do that.

Do it casually! Please do not confess your undying love or she will surely feel her skin crawl. It’s just too much. Just very casually let her know you are attracted to her and be ready at the slightest indication she does not share your feelings, to drop it completely.

For the record, I have lost lots of friendships this way. But I have kept two friends (for life) after a message like this was conveyed and both times it was because the person doing the revealing kept it very simple and withdrew completely when they turned away. So if you are turned away?

So what! The way it stands you are caught on this girl and if you learn she has no intention of being caught on you, then you’ll be free to look elsewhere for someone who can and will reciprocate your affection.

Also feelings like this thrive in a vacuum but once they are let out, they will surely dissipate. And if she loves you too? Well in that case, congratulations!

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Inept,

I hope by the time you finish reading this, you will be willing to think about finding a new name for yourself because “Inept” does not suit you. And this may across as a personal reading which I don’t do on this blog, but the fact is a lot of people suffer as you do to a lesser degree - so I think a lot of people may be able to hitchhike on this. In other words, they will be helped by your energy and with a 6th house (Virgo, service) packed with Scorpio (copious amounts of energy), I think this is good and right. So on to your questions.

You can definitely feel close to other people and although it may not come natural to you, once your master this, people will be hard pressed to find a better friend. Because never mind what the fools around you are saying. At your core when we strip away the crap they are throwing on you, you are a loyal, steadfast, responsible friend, who would be the first to show up in a time of need and the last to leave. There is also a sense of humor in there somewhere and if you put this all together, it constitutes the package you’re selling.

So do these people around you deserve you? I don’t think they do. I think you need a lot less friends!

Now you are 22 years old. And in high school, whoever has the most friends wins. But when you get older, and particularly if you have four planets in Scorpio, then it’s whoever has the best friends that wins. And I just told you what kind of friend you are, so I feel pretty confident that like will attract like once you get your head on straight.

Er… you know how they say opposites attract? On one level that may be true but if so, how come all the pot smokers seems to find each other? How come I am an intense piece of work and so is every friend I have?

People find each other and you will find your people but you have to find yourself first and to do that you are going to have to rid yourself of all the negativity people have thrown on you. And once you’re clear, you will have to be vigilant about who gets close enough to affect you in this way and on that I can tell you where to start.

Anyone who tells you that you suck has got to go. You have enough Capricorn you can do that for yourself. What you need is people who will support you and remind you that you don’t suck. So when there is someone in your life who is sending you the opposite kind of message… amputate! Get rid of them. And it may help to think of it like this:

You are looking for an “inner circle”. You are going to give your friends all you have, so how many can you accommodate? 1? 2? Probably not more than 3 or 4. So do you need someone running their mouth about how awful you are taking up a slot? I don’t think you do.

So I say, clean house. Weed the garden and then be still. Because you have incredible energy and the people will come to you. And when they do, then you judge them, not the other way around. And when you do get a friend you like and can trust, then protect them and the relationship with everything you have and you should be just fine. And one more thing:

One friend is plenty when they’re awesome. Sometimes it’s like that. I went five years with one friend (Ben). I have more people in my life now but I would not trade that “one friend” time for anything. What you need is intimacy, see? And you can’t have that with people who talk behind your back. Less is more.

Good luck.
~~
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Dear Co-worker

This is a great question. I think you are very wise to be approaching this cautiously. Because you have a friend here who I don’t think you want to lose. And though I don’t think you can avoid broaching this subject with him without going insane, I think you should get a cool head about you first. And with this I can help, since I am not in love with him… you are.

First, you have to prepare yourself for the worst, which I really don’t think is that bad. The worst being that he is not interested in you in this way. Because to be very candid, this is the most likely scenario. And it’s not personal to you. Some people just like to have friends. Friends of the opposite sex that is, and I know this because I am one of them.

So let’s say this guy is like me. And he’s found you and he likes you obviously. He’s got a friend. But does this mean he wants to escalate the relationship? Probably not. I think if he did, he’d have leaked something by now. Probably. And you are going to have to find this out once and for all, but first I have some thoughts.

The communication you describe sounds to me like a friendship that is getting deeper and for this you are very fortunate. It is hard to find good friends in this life! So I figure the smart way to play is keep your friendship no matter what. And that means you have to love and care for this guy enough to want him in your life even if he does not want to be your man in a romantic sense. Can you do that? I think you can.

So if this is agreeable to you, then all you need do is take that Capricorn Moon of yours and control your girlish feelings momentarily so that you can talk to this guy straight. And it goes something like this:

“I’ve developed a crush on you.”

If he says, “Oh no!” that is all you need to know. Back off immediately.

“But I know this is not what you want to do so I am going to work it out. Don’t worry, okay? I’ll work this out myself, I want to be friends…”

It will be uncomfortable but you can see how this is the worst that could happen and it’s not that bad. Because if it plays this way, you will be released from your crush which means you will be free to look elsewhere for a man… and keep your friend too!

So if he does respond in this sort of way, then you do exactly what you said you were going to do. Get over it! And the next time you talk take it back to the regular friendship and at that point everyone can be relieved this has been asked and answered and you can move beyond this to a place where your friendship can be lifelong.

And if you get a different response… “I am in love with you too!”

Well then you’re off in another direction. But here is my advice:

Bring this up but make it a very little deal. If it is meant to grow, it will grow and nothing will stop it.

Good luck, and again… I admire your thoughtful nature.

~~
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Dear Scorpio,

Yes, I think I can help. The best thing you can do is pull your energy off her. For both of your sakes! Because although I know you’re trying very hard to be a good, loyal friend, sometimes people just need to hit the wall in their own time. And you can be there when she does, if you like. But by being there now, you are only postponing her inevitable crash. In other words, you are like the co-dependent who sustains the alcoholic.

See with your Sun and Moon part of a stellium in Scorpio, your energy is very strong. And you’ve got it focused on your friend at the moment. But if you manage to take your energy off her, she will drop and it will be dramatic. And there she’ll be with this crappy boyfriend to support her… and you get the idea. She wants him for a best friend? Let her find out what that’s like, knowing you’ll be facilitating if not forcing a crisis that most would agree this would be in her best interest.

And on your side of the equation, you’d do well to learn to relax when it comes to forcing your will on other people. Again, because your energy is so incredibly strong. It is stronger than you probably realize and a little can go a very long way. So there you go.

I think if you withdraw, you’ll win and further, you’ll learn something potent in the process.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Ex,

I am sorry to say it sounds as if a pretty severe chasm has formed between you and your friend. And I am not sure if you can salvage the relationship or if she will flow back to you at some point but I do think you should take some steps to get yourself clean in this. And I chose the word “clean” deliberately, because you have Venus (relationships) in Virgo and you will never feel right leaving the things mussed up and askew. So here’s a plan. Take a lesson from my Virgo editor, HQ:

Like you, HQ really values his relationships. And he’s lost a few friends along the way, a couple to sudden, unexpected suicide and this has led him to develop a philosophy around friendship.

These days he gives everything he has to his relationships and he considers himself to be a very good friend. However, if someone doesn’t want him for a friend, he accepts this and he copes with the loss by knowing that he did the best he could.

Not the superficial best. Not the pointing-fingers-at-the-other-person, best, but his authentic best. And if he’s done this - if he’s given his all - then he can move on peacefully knowing there was nothing more he could have done.

So in your situation, never mind your friend’s pathology. I would suggest you dig deep and make one final statement. You know. Communicate!! Let her know exactly how you feel and what she means to you, leaving out any comment about what you think her flaws may be. When you get it right, send it to her and then let it go.

She’ll either be back or she won’t and with time it will make sense. For example, if you do wind up with a best friend void, eventually the universe will fill it. And wait’ll you get a load of what the new gal brings!

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Friend,

I think you should try to save the friendship and the best way to do that is to do absolutely nothing. You have a 12 year history here. You are a moral person and a supportive friend and I don’t think there is anyway in the world she is going abandon you in favor him over time. Here is the likely reality of this situation…

Your friend is embarrassed. She’s ashamed. She’s knows she’s been taken by this man, but she’s attached. She wants it to come out okay. She wants to salvage this somehow and blah, blah, blah. Basically she is tumbling. And you are there… or you were there, to help her try to ground. But she can’t do it yet. She just can’t or I am sure she would.

So she’s going to go a little further down this road. But I doubt she goes too far. She likes quality people! We know this, because she’s had you in her life for 12 years! So is she going to forget all that? I don’t think so. I think she is in pain and in chaos. And right now, you can do nothing but make it worse.

Because she already knows what you think. She knows what she thinks too. She just can’t act right now. And having you as a moral compass breathing down her neck (this is probably how it would feel to her) is not helpful. Either is apologizing. Apologizing for what? You did nothing wrong!

I say, just get one more message to her: “I’m here and I love you no matter what.” And that’s it. After that, just wait.

And be prepared to wait awhile because she’s a Taurus and none of them move very quickly. But it’s also because she’s a Taurus that I’m confident she’ll be back. Because Taurus knows quality and this is what they want in their life. And you are quality, while her man is not - so end of story.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Sixteen,

Friends are very important. I think they’re critical if you want to be happy in this life so I definitely think you should try to get your friend back. And it does sound as if you are primarily responsible for the demise of the relationship, although she obviously has play too. But if you’re smart, you’ll forget about what she did or did not do wrong, and just make up for what you did wrong. Because it’s friendship, see? It’s not a contest you can score. And you said yourself you were at fault. You were a prying Scorpio…

So apparently whatever you did, you hurt your friend in the process. She responded by shutting down. And at that point you might have become more sensitive, but instead you insisted she talk to you, confide in you, etc. In essence, you were asking her to take care of you. Can you see that? Your friend is hurt, you’re the reason and now you’re telling her to trust you… and if you stop and feel this out, you’ll see it misguided. And from there it deteriorated further when you decided to insult her by calling her “stubborn” and whatever else you did. Getting the picture here? If you did this to me, I wouldn’t be talking to you either! But that said, you can probably get your friend back.

Just let her know you understand what you did, and how it made her feel. Tell her you are sorry and you will try to be more sensitive in the future… and then do it! You will probably get your friend back, but even more important you will be a better person yourself. This action will lead you to be a more sensitive in the future, and this would be Scorpio at its best.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Scorpio,

I am pretty sure you can keep your friend but only if you’re willing to get back into his comfort zone and stay there. Because it seems you were fine up until two things occurred. Number one, you had trouble in your marriage and number two, you told him about it.

Because the way you tell this story, the two of you did not discuss your intimate, personal lives. He knew you were married, you knew he had serious relationships, and that was it. It was a friendship. But now it seems you’re shifting and he simply does not want to go where you might. Can you accept that?

If you can, you only need to go back to what was working. That is, you’re married and you keep your hands off him. And if you get divorced… well that might be a different story. But this story is the story you’re living at the moment and it seems to me this guy does not want to be in your primary relationship in any way shape or form.

Also, just because you felt a connection, I would not assume he felt the same or even similar. And the guy who told you the Virgo had the hots for you?

In my experience when a man tells a woman that, it is HIM who has the hots for her. And maybe the other guy does too. I don’t know. But you get the idea.

Your friend is not interested in making more of your relationship, at least not now, not under these circumstances. I don’t blame him and in fact, I think he’s smart. You’d be rebounding, you know?

It could be his (subtle) rejection of you is his way of being a good friend.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Mizz

You wrote me 3 times. It’s obvious you want my opinion, so here it is:

You are going to have no problem getting, having or keeping a “best friend” as soon as you decide this is what you really want. Right now, it seems you would rather say “Bollocks!” And it’s cute. That’s very cute, as is your rant on the best friends con game and your drama emo-ness. So I figure this is working for you on some level. You like to be besieged! But if you ever change your mind and actually want to form a friendship that functions, you’re going to have to be a lot more sensitive and lot less ready to amputate and paint the whole thing black.

For example, your friend who had the new beau when you were in crisis? Well turns out, people are human. And if you want to keep your friends, sometimes you have to contain your angst when you see they are preoccupied… in this case with their happiness.

Ask yourself this: why should she come to be miserable with you? Why not you go to be happy with her? Why are you abandoned? Wasn’t she abandoned as well? She got a boyfriend and you cut the rope!

You get the idea. You’ve got Venus in Scorpio conjunct Pluto. You’re got Saturn conjunct your Sun and Moon. As long as you see things through your current lens, I guarantee you that every relationship you have will fail and disappoint you. But you’re a Double Sagittarius! So perspective to the rescue! And here’s a short tale to show you how this works…

One of my close friends goes up every time I go down and vice versa.

“How are you?” she asked me yesterday.

“Great.”

“I figured you probably were. I figured you were doing better because I took a dive…”

This never fails. So think about that.

I don’t expect her to mourn just because I’m hurting. She is empathetic and compassionate but she still goes on her hot date, you know?

And if I were you, I’d dump her for that. I’d call myself, betrayed! But instead, I understand my friends are having lives independent from mine and simply can’t be on call for my black mood, 24 hours a day. And it goes both ways of course. I am allowed to have fun while they suffer as well.

So like I said. If you can learn to do this, you will have no trouble at all coming up with an inner circle (Scorpio)… a stable (Sadge) of loyal friends. And if you want to call one of them “best”, then you right ahead!

Good luck

~~
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