I love that at the end you added “if anyone else needs permission” because that’s the first thing that came to my mind at the beginning of the clip. So another nice person saying “You can still be a nice person and say no” shifts the conditioning. In fact if you cant say no, you wont be able to be nice to the people you do care for, cuz you’ll be so stressed! I’m libra rising. Beyond Libra, most little girls are programmed to be nice and some were hammered for daring saying no, maybe your friend was one of them. I sure was and at times even my Aries Mars has been trumped by this.

elsa you are red hot as of late! prob always are- you are pulling awsome ideas left and right! thank-you! on the colesseum working to attract/ your just flat out cutting honesty is inspirational and now yet another larger trend focus… so how does one say no when so many times the ‘contract’ is unspoken, and to say no would be to what? be a bitch and in front of everyone. do you lie to get out of doing somthing for somebody demanding? avoidence can only get you so far in todays day and age…cell phone/ text message…so how does one say no and not be painted as a bitch if the person is someone you must deal with?

Also, I told my friend of a gal i knew once and liked by the way. I was in group therapy with her, she was a lesbian and definitely knew women.

She said she though co-dependent were fools and “if they’re that stupid they deserve to be taken advantage of. I get codependents to do everything for me - why not?”

Short and sweet. Straight to the bottom line.
YAY..Elsa..say it like it is!!
There are so many Libra’s in my life that I need to show this to. They don’t hear me…maybe they’ll hear you.

yes, your right. but having cap at almost every corner, the rep is something built over time and it is something important (at least to me, genuinly) to appear to be, who i really am- and when someone wants to play kickball under the table, i will not play a role for them, i don’t answer her calls anymore but when i am forced to see her in group situation, there is always a favor…and if i can i do it, if i can’t i say i don’t have time. but i have noticed that it is extensive with this sag (her sun conj my venus)and i donot say no flat out–as i know it is an intentional power play… does that make me phoney? maybe, but i am trying to come up with something to yes, basically say a definative no- not using no, and thus avoid all out war (which is what she is looking for) and yes protect myself…. i guess i was just trying to say, sometimes no is not so easy.

I have had this happen to me. My boundary turned out to be money. People expected me to work for free even though I wasn’t making money to pay rent. Then when I mentioned my rent situation I got no response back. Had to move. Boy were they sad to see me go for their own motives. Shows me how much I was being too “nice”. So I ditched them. One situation though is still lingering. Again it was volunteer based - I let them still talk me into working on it long distance. I told them that I wanted to leave it in a certain state for them to take the work over - and it is where I’m comfortable leaving it. After all they are getting paid to work and know how to do it 10 times faster than myself. I would think that they would understand this but I let myself feel bad and then keep it going. They have put off finishing it until the spring. Gah. Bet it will revive when uranus enters aries and then i’ll really be saying no. It’s not win-win and with pluto in cap I’ve been defining my relationships around win-win scenerios. I wanted work to be the reason to not finish it but alas that isn’t true.. I just feel it’s not my work to finish and feel put-upon. I can’t lie and tell them i’m working because they are work contacts.

Thanks for this heads-up Elsa. I’d rather figure out a way to deal with this firmly than to have it explode in my face come spring.

“They want people to think they’re nice”

That has actually been one of my biggest challenges, me, the Leo with Aries rising!

I have the Moon, Jupiter, and Uranus in Libra, the first two widely conjunct, and Jupiter conjunct the DSC. When I was younger and feeling my way around, people thought they could get away with crap if they just flattered me (Leo Sun & Libra Moon mixed together). It might have worked if I was desperate to be socially accepted, which I wasn’t.

I have to admit that I have a war going in me: all that Libra clashes with my antisocial tendencies. It would be nice if I had people to go places with and sit around and talk. I don’t want to do this all the time, because it would suck all the energy out of me, but once in a while? It would satisfy the Libra stuff. Maybe this Saturn transit will help me solve this dilemma.

One of the things that stymies people is the thought that you need to have a REASON to say no, beyond just not wanting to.

Not wanting to isn’t a very good reason with people you’re close to, who presumably treat you well and have helped you in the past. But for strangers or coworkers, I think it’s perfectly fine. You don’t have to say it’s because you don’t want to, you can just say “I don’t need a reason” (because if they’re asking you WHY after you say NO, then that is a red flag anyway!)

I tested this the other day. I was at the self car wash, and you need a lot of quarters for that. I went across the street and got smaller bills to use the change machine. I didn’t ask anyone else for help, I just handled my own business. Half an hour later, I’m drying my car, and a young man comes up and asks me to give him two quarters. I guess he was short. Not a huge deal, but on the other hand, an adult should be able to wash his/her car without assistance unless there is some physical reason. I told him sorry, but no, and you should have seen the look of shock on his face. Well, I’m not your mommy, dude! (Sun and other planets in Cancer in 12th/1st)

I am prone to not being able to say no RIGHT AWAY, it takes time. That’s a Cancer thing. I’ve learned to say I’ll think about it, etc. and then say no if I don’t want to.

I used to have a problem saying no when it came to being a mediator in other people’s relationships. The pattern started very young when I was a go-between of sorts between my mum and grandmother.

During my SR I found myself in a foreign country saying ‘yes’ to a complete stranger who was in an abusive relationship with her partner (she was en route to another foreign country to escape him and he had followed her). I finally had to say ‘no’ when she asked me to go back to her hotel to retrieve her passport–therefore putting myself at physical risk.

And…I was actually going to do it until my uber-Capricorn SO forbade me–yes, he forbade me!–to go back to help her. The abusive man came and found us and scared the living shit out of both my partner and I. I always wondered what happened to those people. Probably they are still twisted up in each other in some way:(

That was a defining moment in my life. I realized I was wasting precious energy I could be spending on my own existing relationships on trying to help people see the importance in valuing themselves.

My dilema has been, although not put to the acid test for at least a few years now…when you are in the throes of co-dependency, and auto pilot kicks in and says just drop everything and go because “this feels good, this person makes me feel alive and good… and I am isolated and I need this friend, this hit…”, yet somewhere off in the distance, I know I am sabotaging my work schedule, my time and my boundaries and this is only a true friend when they are in need at the moment, and that they have no qualms about moving on when their “true” needs are met.

This was a “soulmate”, a teacher. They come in different disguises.

I’m done with it. I’m thinking 10 X (squares)(and I have Libra Rising, Square Cap Sun)(uh oh) is a charm!!