“I was in one of those places,” I told the soldier who is still finding out who I am. I was referring to a half-way house for kids in trouble. “I was not there for long but I was there all right, for about 2 or 3 nights. Do you know about this?”

“Nope.”

I told him how I wound up there (the police) and how it took me about 20 years to figure out what possessed the police to come get me on the day they did because it was mysterious. I told him I was 15 at the time and then described the place…

“The main thing that struck me when I was there was that you could eat. Yeah, you were allowed to just go in kitchen and cook yourself something if you were hungry. I couldn’t believe it. I just could not believe that a person could just be hungry, get up, go in the kitchen, open a can of chili, put it on the stove, heat it up and eat it. The whole can,” I explained. “I’d never seen anything like it in my life. I had never been able to just get up and get something to eat when I was hungry so I was flabbergasted and looking around because I  was the only one who thought this was remarkable and I was always trying to pick up clues.”

“Yeah.”

I went on to elaborate how I found out you could eat. Someone clued me in, like this.

“I’m hungry,”  I whispered to my ally.

“Get something to eat,” the girl said in a normal voice.  I opened my eyes wide like we were in a prison camp and she was going to get us in trouble.

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can.”

“How?”

“Go fix something.”

“Whaaat?” I asked thinking she was tricking me.

“Just go make something.”

“You can do that here?”

“Eat? Fuckin’ A!  They got food in there, go eat.”

“Just walk over?” I said, still whispering.

“Yeah. Go eat some foooooooood she said. I stared.

“You come with me,” I said since Libra hates to do shit alone. “Will you?”

“Yeah but you can go in there yourself.”

“Are you sure?”

“Can Elsa have something to eat?” she yelled to the houseparents… next thing you know I was cooking a can of chili on HIGH and literally shaking trying to pretend it was normal.

“Yeah, so I thought that was the best thing ever. The cupboards were full. Food was spilling out of them and you didn’t have to steal the food, you could just eat so I did. I ate and ate and ate and other then that, I looked around.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I checked the place out. They had house parents. There was a couple there, they were hippies who sat in rocking chairs at night. I remember them vividly. He smoked a pipe. People smoked indoors back then and she used to tell us to speak softly,” I said with a snort. “Yeah there were several other kids there, all girls but anyway you can see right here I was not going to fit in very well. Why would anyone speak softly? What the fuck is the point of that?”

He laughed.

“So anyway, I had problems and it was their job to solve them or to help me and I’d have liked some help but I didn’t have to listen to them very long to see there was no way they could help me. They were trying to help me, they were doing their job as described I am sure but they were saying things that were completely ridiculous and I mean they made no sense at all. Like they told me that I would be surprised at what could happen… wonderful things could happen with just a little time and space.  The lady would knit and rock and say shit like this,”

He laughed.

“Right. I didn’t have the kind of problems they thought I had and I had no faith at all in their ability to affect the problems I did have so they were just talking… may as well have been a foriegn language. It was like the whole place was swirling as far as I could tell. My but it’s foggy in here…”

“I’ve been in situations like that. People telling me what I think and what I am going to do. I look at them and think, you don’t know a fuckin’ thing you’re talking about,” he said.

“Yeah, it was like that. I did think that but I didn’t consciously think they way you do but same thing. I was listening to them to ascertain if there was anything they could do and it was clear to me they were of no use at all. I did have a job you know. I had a job, I liked my job and I was pretty sure I could solve my problems if people would just leave me along so I slept a couple nights, ate chili and then jumped the fence in the back yard.  I had to anyway because I found out about (x-crisis omitted) at that time and there was really no question I had to deal with that.”

“Oh, P.”

“I met you not too long after that,” I said.

“You did?” He was surprised.

“Yeah. I was not very far off that experience,” I said as I recalled my jobs up until I met him. “I worked at __________ Bar,” when I met you, right? Yeah I did,” I added as the time line solidified.

“I don’t know where you worked,” he said. “You wouldn’t tell me the name of the bar.”

I was stunned. I’d forgotten and the memory flooded back. “Yeah? Well I am sorry. The fact is I had quite a bit to hide. Look what I’m hiding? When you’ve got Texas to hide, well you can’t say much.”

“No problem, P. Not a problem.”

“Well this was the point I wanted to make… I wonder what kind of mindset a person would have to had to be in a place like that and wait for the house parents to solve their problems… to do this for them. What kind of person would that be?”

“Don’t know. I’d take matters into my own hands like you did.”

“Yeah, I know. I really think if I had put my life into their hands at that time - relied on them to solve my problems I’d have flat out ruined my life. I am just not made for that but some people are. They are looking for a savior, I guess. I think people save you but you have to go find them. I mean you have to act but anyway, at the time I met you I was not very far off this experience so I was still quite wild.”

“I was wild myself.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why we went in that biker bar and yelled at all those bikers how great Kawasakis were.”

“No, P. We did that because we were stupid.”: