All who have virgin ears should leave the building, the rest of you, hang around.

I wrote this in 2001 for a Pisces with breast cancer.  Remember her?  She had to go have a double mastectomy and she asked me for a story to read while she was in the hospital.  She wanted a diversion so I sat down and wrote her this one, aptly titled, “1-800-getmeoutofhere”.

I wrote this is story in 3 days as I recall. It is 102 pages long which I now know is 300 or so “book pages” so wrote my little heart out. Matter of fact I almost wrote myself to death, but hey. She had breast cancer!

So anyway, this at the end of the story which I did not finish actually.  The story is true of course, I had been on this enormous adventure and then come home to discuss the situation with my sister.

Now this is our real dialogue and I mean, it is verbatim.  It may be offensive to some, it is NOT PC but just keep in mind my sister and I are from the desert and we had studied astrology since we were kids and I dunno. This is how we talk?

Also, she didn’t know this was going to be broadcast!

Now I was having a Neptune transit at the time of this story so I could not read a chart worth a damn.  She had to do it for me which was baffling to her and annoying to me.  We’re on the phone and this is almost all her voice. I am on my end of the phone just obliterated by Neptoon. It is circa, 1996…

“Well I’ll be damned,” she said. “Now this makes sense..” I heard her slam her hand down on the table. “You’re right. You’re right about everything. Now why doesn’t that fuckin’ surprise me?”

“XXXXX! Come look at this shit. Elsa the bitch is right again. That’s why people call you a bitch you know. Because you’re right way too often and now here is another time, right in the hopper.”

“I have to say that I am ambivalent about this. On one hand it sucks that you are right. But on the other hand at least I see you have reason to be as fucked up as you are and the fact that you are so fucked up is of course, of some consolation.” She laughed. “Anyway, the proof is here in my hand. It is in PEN with DEGREES. Is that enough or do I actually want me to read the chart to you?”

“Better read it,” I said.

“Well okay I will. But this is pathetic because I don’t even need my skills to read this chart, never mind yours. I will not even find it necessary to dip into my well of tricks and talents to read this easy and fucking obvious chart, but I am going to do it because I feel sorry for you. I feel sorrier him,but I feel sorry for you too. At least I guess I do.”

“Fuck him.”

“Yeah, I know. You’re pissed. He pissed you off, but listen. Listen and I will bestow upon you my wisdom since yours is MIA and you will see how this is and you’ll feel sorry for him too.

<snip>

“…I am trying to like him too which is very hard, because my Venus in Aries is pretty pissed off at a man who won’t use his Aries Mars. The way I see it, you don’t deserve to have Mars in Aries if you are not gonna wield that sucker but never mind. I’ll get it over it. I am a Pisces. I can transcend anything. Even dumb shit like a dumb bastard who leaves his Aries Mars lying limply on the floor. That’s a dumb fucker and I have to feel sorry for the stupid and besides that, I can see why he did it.”

“Now,” she said, inhaling on her cig, “I know everything. So do you but I am going to do your job for you since you are out of commission at the moment. I know every fucking thing about this guy and everyone else on that fucking ship  so what do you want me to tell you?”

“Do you want the basics? Do you want to know what was happening on the deck when he was sitting there with you? Do you want the part about the Captain, because that bastard plays a big part here.” She stopped to smoke.  “Or do you want an overview of this whole fucking thing? Do you want to know what was happening before you got there? After you left? What else do you already know that I have to tell you?”

“I have all of that and more, so now is your chance and Elsa. I have to give you credit. This is a good fucking story here for my bitch little sister. It’s a great story. Very sordid and you know how we like that. The Captain, the Cancer and the Murderess. So thanks for going out and living it. There are not many who could have. In fact, you are probably the only one, so I will pay you back by telling you whatever you want to know, now what do you want to know?”

<snip>

“So you see that there are lots of people and things to kill. It’s a killing field, isn’t it? All small minds, all small ideas must be destroyed. You hate that shit. These are some of the things on Elsa’s kill list. Perps, bigots, stupid people, small minds and so forth make up your long list of things to kill every chance you see. Just a minute. I need to light a cigarette…”

<snip>

“You may not be scanning them consciously. In Puerto Rico I mean and there is nothing wrong with that. You’re tired. You are a nursing mother with many murders to commit. Why be conscious, when your subconscious can do the job? You’ll wake up only when necessary to do the actual bloodletting, like when you deliver your lines to the Captain. That was a historical moment for him, I’d say…”

<snip>

“Actually, any woman can get a man and you sure as hell can get one in a New York minute but to acknowledge this and appreciate that there must be something going on that they do not understand… Well this will require deeper thought. Uh oh. Deeper thought will stress the small mind, which is also known as your mortal enemy, rating very high up on the kill list so anyone who makes stupid assumptions about you is id’ed right away.”

::snickers::

The picture choice is for my sister.  She has never read this and she will recognize the  smirk of the murderess.