I wrote this in 2003 or so, it’s part of a larger story. I am talking to my sister on the phone.  She is a Pisces with a Sagittarius Moon conjunct Jupiter and she is insightful and blunt to say the least.

We are talking in advance of my going into a den of bitches and what not to be eaten alive. Translated? I am engaged to be married and I am going “East” to meet my future in-laws.

The mother wanted to give me an heirloon ring she had kept in a box for 20 years (sound familiar?). The ring was intended for the oldest’s son’s wife (me) and had become quite valuable over the years.

(swearing below the break)

The family was rich. My fiance had two sisters and one of them did not want me to have the ring. I had Neptune transiting my ascendant so I was in a fog.

This incident took place in the early 90’s. My sister has never read this before so she will be shocked I bet… Enjoy!

“So he finally finds someone who will marry him,” my sister said. “Someone good and it takes him 20 years. Instead of being happy for him, she doesn’t want you to have a ring. Is the other sister bitching? No. That’s because she’s happy and she is not a bitch. This sister is.  Think about it Elsa. The ring is in some box somewhere for twenty years. It’s up in the closet, everyone forgot about it. No one is doing anything with it, now you show up and you’re good.”

“I am?”

“Oh course! When you’re not killing people, that is. Who deserves a ring more than you? No one. There’s finally a hand to put the ring on, her brother is happy and now all the sudden, she wants the ring. Yep. She’s a bitch.”

“Okay. Well I see what you mean.”

“You’re wearing my clothes, right? Make sure you do when you go over there. She’ll be checking you out, that’s for sure. I mean it Elsa. This way your clothes will be better than hers and she’ll know it. She won’t be expecting that. If she sucks like I think she does, it will piss her off, but tough. That’s just too damn bad. She’ll just have to deal and it won’t be easy, either.”

“Yeah?”

“Come on! My clothes and your dimples? She’s not going to like that shit.”

The future mother-in-law is some sort of fiber artist. I don’t have the details.

“See Elsa, I know you don’t care about this, but these people pay attention to clothing. They may even have taste. He does. Maybe he got it from them. Maybe he didn’t. I have taste and I didn’t get it from my mother.”

We both roared.

“You don’t know. So, she’s an artist. Is she a good one? We don’t know. She may be talented, or she may suck. Lots of people think they’re an artist.”

She yells to her husband. “XXXXX! How many bad artists do you know?” She laughs.

“A lot. But she’s going to know something about fabric, even if she doesn’t know what to do with it. They’re going to pay attention to what you wear and this is a problem for you because you don’t know what to wear.”

“That box I sent you? Put on anything in it. Anything in there will knock them back. If you’re lucky, and you are lucky… Well that may be enough to shut up the sister. She may decide not to fuck with you. But don’t count on it. I hope you plan to wear makeup. You do, don’t you?”

I hadn’t thought of it. Mowgli doesn’t think about this kind of thing.

“Get some makeup. I can’t believe I have to say this to any sister of mine. I talk about you and nobody can believe you’re real.”

She yells to her husband “Xxxxx! Can you believe Elsa is real?”

I listen to her and laugh.

“He can’t. And there is nobody real-er than you in this life.”

“Now on your lipstick. Don’t forget to cover your whole lips. I don’t have your lips. I would kill you for them if I could. I tell my friends this, you know. That everyone is getting their lips shot full of collagen and my sister won’t even put lipstick on the lips she has. They can’t believe it, Elsa. They think I’m making it up.  They don’t believe you even exist. I have to have XXXXX tell them you’re real.”

“Oh come on.”

“It’s true, but listen to me.  You need to cover your whole lips. Not part of them. Not most of them. All of them. Do you have any of that lipstick left that we got you last time you were here?”

“Yes.”

“Good. That’s the one you want. It’s killer on you. Wear that lipstick, with anything in the box I sent you. That ought to ruin her day.”

I hear her light another cigarette.

“Okay. Who else do we got? The double Virgo sister? No problem there. You know that. She’s a vegetarian that composts. Hello? You can talk to her all day. What is there about alfalfa that you don’t know? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Henry took care of that for you.”

We laughed.

“Do you know what she’s thinking about her brother? She’s happy for him. She thinks it’s about time. She wants her brother to be happy, so she’ll do everything she can to like you. That won’t be hard because whatever sprout she wants to discuss - well you can talk about it.”

I chuckled.

“And maybe even teach her something,” she added. I heard her take another drag from her cigarette. “Now her husband is an Aquarian, right? Well you know how to get along with Aquarius. They usually like you. I don’t know why that is.  Maybe because your lipstick is on crooked and they think you’re cool.”

We laughed.

“But you’re not cool. That’s the last thing you are, but they don’t know that for some reason and they do like you. Some of them, I mean. You always seem to have at least one of them around.”

“I do?” I said in a Neptoon daze.

“Hell yes!” She ticked off names of my Aquarian friends throughout history.

“Oh, well yeah. I see what you mean.”

“Right! So they like you and you’re lucky they do.”

“Thanks a lot.” I laughed.

“You’re welcome.  So. I don’t think you’re gonna have any problems with him. He’s looking for something, but I don’t think it’s trouble. He probably wants to be your friend. Maybe he needs one. If he does, you can be her.”

I snorted.

“Now I wonder how the Aquarian and the Virgo get along. Take notes, okay? I’m curious. She must be some Virgo. Where’s her Moon anyway?”

“Virgo.”

“Oh God, that’s right. Double Virgo and I ask you where her Moon is. Sorry. I haven’t had enough coffee. Okay, so do we know what house the Virgo is in? We don’t, do we? We need the houses. We need to know where all that Virgo is. That could be interesting. You really need to get birth times on these people. That would be very nice to have.  Whatever. Do watch this couple. That should be some entertainment. They’ll be at Thanksgiving, right?”

“Yes.”

“Good. When you’re bored look over and see what they’re doing. This will be a good distraction from the bitch. I believe him that they get along. That Sadge is not lying. It’ll be interesting to see how they do it, so check it out and report back.”

“The husbands of the mother and the sister? They don’t count. Neither of them have any teeth. It’s the women you have to watch. But I know you. Try to remember the men are in the room.”

I laughed. “Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on. You know you hate toothless men! And they’ll be looking at you and if you ignore them too much, they may pout. This could cause them to wake up and you don’t want that. Throw them an occasional bone.”

We laughed.  Okay, we roared laughing.

“You’ll have your hands full watching the barracudas. Well one barracuda for sure. The mother is probably same, but subtler. You know she’s two faced, so lets hope you like the one she’s wearing at the time. With her, it’s flip a coin. You have been known to be lucky, so maybe she lands with her good face up.”

We laughed.

“We’ll be hoping. I will say that I think he’s smart to get you out of there, every chance. That’s impressive.”

“I’m a moving target.”

“Yeah.  Now the father? You better watch his ass too. He’s bad news. I don’t know what he’s done to the brother, but it doesn’t sound good. He doesn’t want to shake his hand. He doesn’t want to touch him. What’s that tell you?”

“Could be… well. You can think of everything I can. You can think of ten times what I can. Of course I know how to put on makeup.”

I smirked.

“But really.  I bet he’s a prick. Just watch him. Watch what he does and remember he has teeth in his mouth. He’s not like these other fuckers. He got away from the mother so we know he’s not stupid and however he did it, I bet it wasn’t nice. Try to find out what he did to her. That would be a good thing to know.”

“Gotcha.”

“Well, Elsa, that’s about it. Other than that, have fun.”

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