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Open Question: Your Lover Or Spouse Cheats: Is This A One Way Ticket Out Or Is Yours A Revolving Door? Poll
Ask the collective
This question came up tonight. If my lover or husband cheated on me I would end the relationship instantly and without ceremony. I have felt this way all my life and it has been completely understood by every man I have ever known.
On the flip side, every man I have ever known has felt exactly the same way but I know that many of you have a revolving door policy and I wonder the numbers, the reasons and the astrology so…
Though I understand and would support a woman (or man) who wanted to stay in their relationship after an affair and I may even admire them, I would never do it myself. I specifically have told men (more than one) something along these lines:
“If you think you’re going to have an affair and then we’re going to have some tearful reunion… you’re going to screw me while I cry tears over your betrayal and we slowly heal, you are out of your mind. I realize it’s a movie but it’s not one I’m going to be in…”
Venus in Leo of course, and you? Do you have a policy on this or would you take it on a case by case basis? Has your policy changed over the years?
53 Responses to “Open Question: Your Lover Or Spouse Cheats: Is This A One Way Ticket Out Or Is Yours A Revolving Door? Poll”
Aquarius sun and venus.
I wouldn’t necessarily leave. It would all depend on the reason. People make mistakes and hurt those they love sometimes.
I’ve never been cheated on (that I know of).
Venus conjunct moon in Pices and Neptune conjunct Jupiter in the 5th. Took him back because:
1. There are no absolutes, everything is circumstantial.
2. He was truly sorry and promised to make it up to me.
3. Taking him back would shift the balance of power — to me (Aries sun conjunct mercury).
Outcome 5 years post event: No regrets.
I left my husband because I busted him cold.
But it wasn’t the 1st time I suspected cheating.
It was the 1st time I finally had the proof.
Its really the only time I have had to deal with cheating. But we had other issues..
And at the time, I didn’t want tp have sex with him…LOL..I was kind of glad he had someone else because I wanted to leave anyways and it gave me
the kick in the behind I needed..But I do often wonder as I sit here unmarried what if ? mistake ? regret ? Oh well I had to leave..LOL
I took a cheating lover back once… And kept trying to work with him on his so-called issues for years. I won’t ever do that again. It was a waste of time, energy, money, patience, trust, etc. Complete waste all around. Now if a man of mine wants to screw around, he can go right ahead and do so, but he won’t be my man any more.
Oh yeah, and my Venus is in Aries, 8th house.
Nope. I wont cheat so I cant accept someone who cheats. This coming from a Venus in Scorpio. =P
I answered no. I learned the hard way. I took him back. The second time he cheated I disappeared on him in a day flat when I found out. I took the cat too.
It took me a long time to figure out that it was his problem not mine. He was the one who cheated and it was a choice he made. He could have choosen to get out of the relationship (as a close friend of mine did - he got divorced “so I won’t be tempted to cheat”
I got a very hardline policy out of it. I won’t touch a man who has even a whiff of another woman on him - he’s interested, in a relationship, getting out of a relationship, out of a relationship only 6 months, etc. etc. etc. Not for me and will never be mine and mine alone.
All the men since then (I was young) have been told flat out - you cheat I’m gone, there are no second chances.
My current SO is of the same mind set. It’s not worth the effort to cheat - if the relationship is that broken then get out, get counseling, or walk.
I feel sad everytime I hear/see a relationship struggling with intimacy. But then again that’s what we’re here for - learning. We can learn the hard way or the easy way.
i’ve both been taken back and overlooked some evidence that my lover may have been cheating (two different relationships). maybe these things seemed acceptable because we were relatively young at the time. but i think it’s really up to the people involved to decide what to make of it. i know you would disagree elsa but, i do believe that sometimes these can be one-off things rather than fatal cracks in a relationship. as the victim, i was angry to find out that my lover may have been cheating but ultimately i decided that what we had was strong enough to recover. on the other hand, i have been with men whose glances at other women infuriated me and i would not put up with it for a second. i think the heart can when there is something worth saving or not.
where would you look for the astrology of this kind of thing? moon? venus? mars?
I would be outta there. Venus in Aries, 8th house (hi M!).
Maybe you look at Saturn for the rules. if your Saturn is in Pisces, fuzzy rules might make sense to you. With Saturn in Aquarius you might like to experiment with new unconventional rules. With Saturn in Capricorn, you can be military about it.
Maybe also look at the Sun, to see what kind of guy you attract. If Neptune is aspecting your Sun, or Sun is in Pisces, it may be hard to identify the male.
Maybe also look at Venus and for any aspects to Neptune to see how starry eyed you can get.
Look at the descendant for the kind of partnership atmosphere you may have natural talents for.
Look at your man’s 5th house. If for example he has Uranus and Pluto there or Neptune in Scorpio there, then lets hope you have those too, so that there is an equal playing field for risk-taking.
“i know you would disagree elsa but, i do believe that sometimes these can be one-off things rather than fatal cracks in a relationship.”
I would not disagree.
I like to think of it more as I stayed in the situation rather than I took him back. Taking him back would make it seem like I actually made a decision or had some power in the situation. Although I made my dissatisfaction known during the times of disloyalty, I would talk myself out of leaving the situation by letting him charm his way back in to my good graces. The make up sex was great too. Shameful isn’t it? But now after being knocked around enough, I’m tired and have decided its all just not worth it. Now, I say “do ir die”. You cheat, I’m gone, It’s very clear to me now!! I just don’t have one minute of my life to spare on hazy, cheating relationships of any kind.
I voted “yes, maybe.” But really, I have no idea what I’d do. My views on monogamy are different now than they were 10 years ago, for example.
I think it would depend on how secure/healthy the relationship was in general. If I was feeling good about myself then the answer would likely be “yes.”
I came close to leaving my partner this summer, but that was largely because I was having a horrible go of life in general and felt totally alone.
I’d rather be lonely on my own than lonely within a relationship and my partner cheating on me would make me angry more than it would fuel feelings of loneliness.
(Aries Venus in the 4th opposed Pluto, trine Saturn and Neptune).
I clicked ‘yes maybe’ on this poll and will say something else later. It is not the answer I would have given in the past, in the past years the answer would have always been ‘no way.’
it depends for me. i’ve been cheated on in earlier relationships, and it was over when the dust cleared. for my marriage, it has not come up. i don’t expect it to. (though most people don’t, i guess.) my husband told me he couldn’t imagine cheating on me…”It would just be too WEIRD to have sex with someone else.” and i have something that i value tremedously. i’d have to be an idiot to turn my back on it. many things i may be, but idiot is not one.
i’ve seen a friend struggle with this issue, though. she put her marraige back together for her kids’ sakes. but it’s still not entirely clear if they will remain together.
A Human Resources manager told me once that you can judge people on their past behavior. They have a tendency to repeat it.
You can give someone a chance, but how many times do you want to be hurt? If someone hurt you once, they will do it again.
in a monogamous understanding, where there was “love”/respect/etc, it would be an obvious no.
I’ve always said no in the past, but I’ve come to the conclusion that, for the right person/reasons, I could take him or her back. But there would have to be some serious conversation and work before I would even consider it.
To explain the astrology, I’d have to list my whole chart, so let’s just say there’s support for this. 
Probably on a case-by-case basis. I answered “probably not”, but a one-off one-nighter where he used a condom would probably be different for me than a long-term, I didn’t know about it, caught an STD from him affair. The latter would make me lose it big time.
Then again, I’ve never (afaik) been cheated on, but technically, most of my relationships have been open. I’d rather know and discuss it than have someone sneak around.
Beth i totally agree on the “past behavior is the best predictor.”
I have always said no way Jose’… but I think part of that was just a warning and attempt to control the person. Nowadays I have changed a whole lot on that…mostly in what I say because I have noticed my own behavior. I had said that several times, but never stood behid it. I just end up doing whatever I want, and if I feel like taking someone back sometime than I do, because a lot of it goes with the flow of the mood.
The astrology:
I have Neptune in Libra (relationships) in the 7th (relationships) house opposite Venus (love & sensuality) in the 1st… and Neptune (vagueness in boundaries, lack of structure/walls) ruling my whole chart, and my sun/Mercury is ruled by that that Venus (sun/merc in Taurus…) and with this Taurus involved….well, if the sex is REALLY great, I might very well take you back no matter what you do, and vice versa, if the sex was not good…well, this is a moot point because you can’t cheat on someone who is already gone.
The neptune really muddies up my relationships. If there has been true love, it never feels ended, and lot of other complications. Anyone else feel this with Neptune in Libra and/n the 7th house?
Wow, no one voted ‘yes probably’ yet. I feel like changing my vote now, so that I can be the only ‘yes probably.’ Just based on seeing myself and what I actually do, that is all, the answer really is, yes probably.
I hope we will do some work around Neptune in the relationship class!
No revolving doors for me. I like what akyb said up here: I wont cheat so I cant accept someone who cheats. Me too!
I don’t see it as an attempt to control the other person. It’s a matter of honoring a commitment, showing some respect. I can’t trust or respect a partner who can’t control himself enough to do this. Once trust and respect are gone, everything else is too.
Venus in Aries in 10th, Capricorn 7th.
I don’t know. I said: yes, maybe. I would go with my gut instinct to decide whether the cheating was something serious, or just stupid. I have cheated in the past, but would never do it now, and am pretty sure I will never do so in future. One time I cheated it was time to leave the relationship. Now I would leave the relationship before I cheated. The other times it was sexual experimentation (venus uranus in scorp :-)) and I’m done with that, in that sense at least.
Thanks for the interesting responses, guys. Not accepting cheating is, to me, the opposite of controlling. If someone I am with wants to be with someone else, by all means they should, and I will let go 100%. People should go where the passion is, and if it is elsewhere, that means it is not here and that “this,” as we knew it, is over. Or it is different. Or compromised. I have not been in this situation, but it would have to be a very rare circumstance for me to see things as anything but over.
I have a Pisces 7th house but a Capricorn 5th. Once the dream is over, it’s over?
Being pretty open about these things, I said probably not, but here’s why:
I have no problem with my partner being intimate with other people - as long as I know, and am afforded the same option. Within the rules we set, I don’t consider this cheating.
But if he did so, and I had to find out later, or he had lied to me about it? No way, I’m done.
Oh, I forgot. Venus in Cancer (conjunct Mars, opposite Jupiter in Cap, for starters)
i have saturn in virgo which probably doesn’t augur well for turning a blind eye.
neptune is conjunct my moon though, and trine some planets in the 7th. oh, i almost forgot…my south node is in pisces, opposite my sun.
sorry for mischaracterizing your views elsa! i inferred from your post that you thought cheating ruined a relationship, but maybe you just mean your leo-ness cannot abide it!
venus - I mentioned Venus in Leo because of the ‘movie” comment - I believe I am living one. But yeah, I wouldn’t put up with cheating for 4 seconds for a whole bunch of reasons.
For example it’s just not interesting to me = boredom = good bye…
and abruptly seeing as I have Uranus in the 7th…
When I mentioned the word control it was from looking back in the rear view mirror, on why I had said this (and said it so emphatically) to one or another partner along the way. It was a scare tactic like, yeah, don’t fuck with this beautiful thing we have or we will both lose it. Looking back on it all..the only thing that makes sense now is that if it’s really that beautiful, I need not have said a word to the person, (assuming that everyone equates ‘beautiful’ with 100% monogomous, which they don’t but anyway) and if I really intended to leave them if they ran around on me, then why give them a warning if it wasn’t some sort of attempt at coercion?
I see my shadow here in this 8th house Saturn in Scorpio opp 2nd Sun/Merc in Taurus. Saturn in Scorpio is notorious for a lack of ability and/or willingness to trust anyone for any reason with anything that is in any way important to them.
“Once the dream is over, it’s over”
Yes. Capricorn 7th with Neptune DC here, and I feel the same way. Gotta protect your dream, because once it’s shattered…it really is over.
Exactly as Katherine described - it’s damaged, compromised, irrevocably changed. I guess the Neptune veil drops, and what is left is nothing.
Life can get quite complicated sometimes, and when past issues with fiances don`t get straightened up, confusion can lead to a going back and forth, trying to find out the truth in your heart. Hard to forgive for a saturn in virgo, uranus in pisces in house 7. I was only searching for the truth, I didn`t want to cheat on anybody. Of course I regret it, understand it, and am in great pain. (I had never forgiven anybody else before, so how can I ask for forgiveness?)
I just received an e-mail which suggested a mis-reading of something that I had written, apparently written very inarticulately …
Above I said “I just end up doing whatever I want, and if I feel I want to take someone back then I just do.”
by that I meant that no matter how many times I might have said I’d never take a cheater back, I take them back nonetheless, if I feel like it.
In otherwords I don’t hold myself accountable to my own threats, necessarily.
wow, people feel very strongly on this topic
Hmmm…. When I was younger I looked at this in black and white, if someone cheats thats it I am outta there. Now I am not so sure it depends on the scenario. What is right for some is not for others. My venus is in cancer in the 2nd house square my mars in libra. My venus is also inconjunct my aquarius moon in the 9th and connected to my pluto and urnaus in virgo in the 4th.
Hi Loonsounds, I was so struck by your pre-election clear boundary ducking outta ElsaElsa. You promptly came back : ) what do you contribute this clarity to in your chart?
Hi Dierdre! Yes that is what happened, due to my fanatical Jup/Uran double eclipse conjunction…
As to the clarity and the return, there was something Elsa posted a couple of week ago about Mercury and Saturn linked in a chart. There can be a lot of problematic things about Mercury/Saturn, especially in opp as they are in my chart, (3 degree orb) and esp with that 8th house Scorp Saturn, but in some cases merc/saturn can work out in a favorable way, (which is probably true with any astro link in any chart) and which may be the explanation here.
Maybe Elsa will re-link this segment, she worded it so much better than I do, about how this aspect can work, but something like…Saturn in touch with Mercury putting appropriate (as I saw it for myself, knowning myself) boundaries around communications.
The reason I was back so promptly was because I missed the blog and missed everybody who contrubutes. I think this is a very unique blog, especially in these hard times when so many blogs are strongly either right wing or left wing partisan politics. This is so refreshing, I really couldn’t stay away.
Also, I popped in a couple of times just to get a feel of the atmosphere, and no one was ranting, I would have probably only been me anyway…
thanks for asking, Dierdre
Loon, I would if I could but I write all these blogs and retain basically nothing. Once I rip the sheet from my typewriter, I’m outa there!
sure no prob. i can probably remember the approx date I read that and post the date in the event anyone wants to go back and read you on that topic.
My husband and I have discussed this. I feel if he were just to tell me he was interested in someone else, it’d be better than to find out too late that’s he’s been having an affair. It would be over if that happened. He said if he ever found out I was having an affair, he’d kill the guy and me.
However, we both have an “if” like let’s say he goes out and drinks until he doesn’t know anything and wakes up to find he’s slept with someone. Well, that’s a different situation than having an affair. (Neither one of us are big drinkers. We rarely go anywhere without the other)
Also, understanding and forgiving are two different things. I may understand why someone would have an affair, but that does not mean I’d be willing to forgive that person.
If you are with someone - that’s a commitment, love, trust the whole deal. If you’ve choosen this person to be with then why can’t you trust that person with the truth that you might not feel the same, or someone else is more interesting? Honesty really isn’t that difficult.
Loonsounds, I wonder if this is a good time to mention that one night during your absence I dreamt you came back to Elsa’s blog.
When I woke up, there you were. I didn’t think it was weird (I’m psychic anyway) but I refrained from relaying this information because I wasn’t sure if it’d be intrusive or not.
Hm.
I probably would take a person back. Depends on how much I wanted to keep the relationship. I guess it’s my 8th House Saturn (in aspect to almost everything in my chart). I really understand people who claim “it’s just sex” but if we (a) hadn’t been having sex as of late and (b) he hadn’t been making an effort to do so I would be PISSED.
As a made up fantasy, if I found out my partner was cheating on me TODAY I’d probably go back to India and ask if we could leave the relationship open and hanging in the balance until I returned. No shit.
Kewl Kashmiri! Not intrusive, I think it’s interesting. Perhaps many parallels in our charts. Too bad you dumped facebook, I’d want to add you to my friends list and scope your chart. That was you dumped facebook, right? Are you actually an India Indian? You said “back to India” is why I wondered. If so, hmmm, maybe could I snag some cooking tips from you, how is it made that paneer masala?
LOL! No, I’m not Indian. “Back to India” because I’m itching to go back. And I can’t right now because of a whole bunch of other commitments to life. Kashmiri because of my love of a particular paper-making technique from there.
You’re more than welcome to scope my chart out, maybe when we are in the astrology class (you’re taking it, maybe I think?) I’ll give you my email and we can do it that way?
I voted probably not. Venus in Gemini. I was cheated on once, and almost let him get away with it. In the end, it was over. The trust was gone. I can’t say how I would feel if I were actually married to someone who cheated. I hope I would divorce the person - especially if I had kids. They would have to see that cheating is not an okay behavior to inherit.
I said probably not, but you can never say how you’ll feel ahead of time. I have cheated on most of my boyfriends, but one of the few morals I actually hold to is ‘Do not cut another woman’s grass.’ So how would I feel? Probably more betrayed by the girl than my boyfriend.
That said eeeeveryone cheats. EVERYONE. Okay maybe 98% of the population cheats.
not following the agreements made… that would be a problem. never has happened to me, so i’m not sure what i would do. depends on the situation.
basically, an act of severe disrespect is a pretty good reason for moving on…
I was confused, exfiancé swearing and doing everything to get me back, someone whom I loved and was seeing go into deep pain. I went into deep pain too, not knowing what to do. But just after seeing him, I realized how much OVER it was, and how much I loved my present boyfriend in every single aspect. What is soo wrong about not cutting loose ends, is that at some point, vibrations and energies get mixed together and “the law of attraction” stops manifesting. That´s called adultery, and it has to do with adultering the energy that both lovers share. Unfortunately, it affected us and it´s over. Right when I had realized he was the love of my life and that I wanted to go all the way with him, anywhere, anyhow, in everyway. Now, what´s left is to wonder whether it wasn´t meant to be at all, anyway. I heard ugly, ugly gossips about him, which made me doubt and got me entangled…..
I voted for NO (Aries Sun, Leo Asc, Scorpio Moon, Piesces Venus). I once was cheated on, tried to rebuild the trust, yet it turned out to be impossible. He was a natural cheater & flirt & my 6th sense whispered: run away… & I gladly did. Never regretted.
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I voted no. As a Pisces, it all just works through feelings. I am not as clear on it as elsa, though. I have usually never spoken about this during a relationship, I never forced the situation, because I didnt think that forcing it would get me any security because if it is going to happen then it will. I have had the feeling the guy is seeing someone, and when I have found evidence, which was only once in my life, but it was a used condom (!) it still takes me about a month to leave. The situation has to sink in, but then it sinks in forever