Aries - Frankly, the process of the US elections is one of systematic discrimination against the Aries people and one which endorses flagrant suppression of the average Rams vote. We mean seriously, everyone knows that Aries Rams are astro-genetically incapable of waiting in any line which is projected to exceed more than 3 to 5 minutes wait time. Therefore, very few of Arians are ever able to cast even a single vote in any national US election, and especially not in this one! Three, four, five hours, what the fuck, who are we trying to kid here?! Therefore and clearly, our 12 percent of the US population voice is systematically suppressed and silenced every time there is a national vote which might have waiting lines associated with it. A new system should be put into place whereby, if there must be lines, all Aries voters will automatically be placed at the front of the line so that we can, and will, be in our own rightful place, namely, first.

Taurus - Taurus people do not fare well when it comes to casting their vote in such elections either, therefore, the bulls are raging angry. TV ads are a big part of the problem, not to mention coverage which goes on and on and on, what is the obvious result? Quite simply put, the average bull gains a mean body weight of 37.5 pounds per major election season which, if you think about that for just a moment, is the equivalent to an entire set of unborn (large boned) triplet babies being carried inside of the body now, babies which were not there before. All Taurus wanted to do was enjoy a little snacking while staying informed but then what? They can’t get out the damn vote! So where is the bull in all of this? Well, with no clothes left that fit, fucked, that’s where! On election day morning, when the shocked Taurean discovers that not even the emergency sized XXX clothes hidden in the deepest back regions of the closet will zip or button, it is just simply too late. Taurus has nothing to wear to the polls other than the slouch jammies that they have been living in for the past 2 months, (which, to try that, would get them arrested in a heartbeat for one of several reasons, none of which are pretty)! Coulda had a V8? We must of missed that ad. All such a pity given that Taurus people are all so dogmatically opinionated!

Gemini. What upsets the Twins more than anything else about these big elections is that there is no bi-partisan lever or screen point, because that would definitely be the one they would want to push, pull, ring or jostle. But, be that as it may, in those last few days before a big election Gemini peoples are also royally pissed off … and why? Well, it is simply because everyone else is pissed off, that’s why! From their hair stylist to their bartender, from their show hosts to their bookies and news store workers, everyone that Gemini is interacting with is pissed off, and Gemini, social intellectual creature that they are astro-genetically designed to be, absolutely must interact extensively on a social level! Therefore it is certainly true that Gemini people are among the first to jump on the bandwagon of outrage in any major election season, and by far and away the most prolific forwarders of eeeky distorted ugly e-mails. They are also fine mimics and some of the key writers of the various comedy skits and newspaper cartoons, therefore they are not really nearly as angry as they pretend to be.

Cancer people are not really mad about the money, because everyone knows that Cancer people are richer than God and that they bury their money and gold and jewels in chests in the ground and in their attics and basements and stuffed in couches. So that is not the problem. But in trying to describe just what exactly it is that the crab is so riled up about, well, dammit, it’s the principle of the thing, and it is the patriotism thing, and it is the principle of the fact that it is the patriotism thing! They are the most patriotic person on their block, in their city, in there state, maybe even in the whole world, so what the fuck? Cancers are also very big on country, mom, and apple pie (although not as big on apple pie as Taurus is, thank God), so Cancer people are going to spend most of the pre-election season either arguing with their mothers about politics or being best pals with their mothers all depending upon whether or not the two parties agree, as it so often actually is, that they and their mothers do share the same exact philosophy of patriotism, not to mention the same side of the fence on the partisanship thing, then they do all right.

Leo too, has a problem with national elections. It’s color is green, and it often goes by the name jealousy, or just plain downright envy, envy envy. The Lion is just so damn tird of waiting for their turn to be center stage, what is WITH that anyway? “What’s he/she got that I ain’t got,” ponders the average Lion, thinking to him/her self, “Now that is the 550 billion dollar question that everybody should be worried about! As for the Leo 12 percent, they can be heard on the vote, but that is never really their main concern in this. Moreover, as one of the quintessential pro-gambling people in all of the entire zodiac wheel, Leo, much more than most, cannot stand to be anywhere near a losing ticket, nor even an iffy poll. And anyway, when are they going to put more mirrors in these tacky polling places? How do I look, how is my hair? Inquiring Leos need to know. And oh, by the way, you there, in the line? I think you’re hot, do you think I’m hot? Wanna go out after we get done in the booth?

Virgo In the days pre-big national US elections, well, poor Virgo is beside himself or herself, which is a terrible place for Virgo to be, which you very well know if you have ever spent any kind of long hours being beside a Virgo when every little thing is going wrong wrong wrong, or at least potentially is doing so. As we all know with the Virgin, the devil is in the detail, and if ever there is a time when little details can accumulate into little piles of angst and drudge and more angst and then accumulate exponentially into large chunks of cluster fucks morphing into monumental mother fucking cluster fucks of such vast proportions as to make the brain and heart of even the most evolved, modest and mild mannered Virgo lapse into a … well … a gigantic twit, well, you get the soggy drift. It is just not anything anyone wants to be around, not even the Virgo him or herself, and it is a true fact that no one can nit pick a tragedy in the making quite so well as to make the average Pisces, Cancer, and yes, even Capricorn person, wish that he or she had never been born. Good luck.

Libra As the election day closes in, Libras get more and more out of sorts, and I think we can all guess why that is the case. It’s because, of course, it is the registered Libra voters as an entire group who make up 99.999 of that undecided voter population that the pollsters torture us with for weeks and months prior to finding out what is actually going to happen in the election, and it is now the impending end of their time to do that to the rest of us. Some people wonder, is there really such a thing as an undecided voter so late in the game? Well, the answer is a resounding YES THERE IS. Yes there is, yes there is, yes there is~! So the Libras are feeling the pain when the lines streaming and the people in the lines are are screaming “Either vote out get out from behind that curtain dammit,” and gentle, bossy Libra will become very very upset, because they do not like to be rushed. But being the people pleases that they are by astro-genetic-predisposition, Libra WILL will go ahead, shut their eyes, and touch that screen, or color in that dot, many of them not even ending up knowing who they voted for, now we ask you, is that fair? Or is that a perfect example of voter suppression for ya? Yes it is! 12 per cent!

Scorpio has a problem with nosy people, so they have an extra big problem during these election seasons. Whether the nosy people are in Scorpio’s face or on the scorpions telephone or knocking on the door, Scorpio so detests intrusive nosiness (as defined by them) that they will lie to people intentionally to deceive them when people are asking questions that Scorpions deem to to be of a poking, prodding and unnecessarily personal nature. So whether it’s sad or true or sad but true, it is the case that the reasons that all the polls are always wrong is that Scorpio always does the exact opposite of whatever it is that they tell the pollster and/or pollsters they are going to do. The problem then becomes, that having lied to so many people so much of the time the Scorpio human may actually come to forget the real truth of exactly what it is that he or she represents in the political election process. That is when they begin to shoot their stinger carelessly at the world because there is nothing that a Scorpio cannot stand more than change itself.

Sagittarius as a group are really riled up because Ralph Nadir continues along his same pattern of losing trends no matter how many times the Archer votes for him, and no matter how many people Sagittarius attempts to convert into voting for Nadir. Also, for those 3 percent of Sagitarians who do not absentee vote, it really miffs them and ticks them off when they are asked to abstain from dragging all of their political buttons and stickers and tags for Ralph Nader into the voting facility proper. These rules, Sagittarius considers to be intrinsic violations of their God given constitutional rights to all of the freedom to which they are entitled by US constitutional law. Such behaviors are subversive and intrusive according to Sag because they suggest a full blown conspiracy to prevent Sag from engaging in their God given right to preach to the masses without any kind of interruption or regulation whatsoever.

Capricorn people just really hate life and everything about it on these rare and simultaneously major occasions they are not the actual sitting boss. Capricorns are astro-genetically configured to be the boss in almost every situation, and they know it, and generally everyone else knows it too, and they all just fall behind Cappy in an orderly manner, and take all orders as issued wisely from the goat who really does excel not only at being bossy, but actually at being a real boss. But here we are in this election season where not only is Capricorn not the actual boss of anything at all, but no one is even asking them their opinion on who to vote for! Well, for anyone who knows one or more of these Capricorn goats they will agree with the known fact that none of this is going to sit remotely well with a Capricorn during election season so gear up that an odious wind may begin to blow since goats do not necessarily have the best constitution in the world even though it is true that they will eat just about anything, animal vegetable or mineral.

Aquarius These people, the main thing is that they are just downright flabbergasted to see just how many people there are in the world who disagree them on their entire ideology and everything about it. Moreover this is one group who just cannot seem to get enough of venting this shock about the incredible stupidity of people who disagree with them, and venting it loudly and to anyone who will listen, and even to those who would rather not be in hearing range. Fill in the blank, if you don’t agree with them, Aquarius has a word or phrase that will describe you and paint you as such a complete and utter moron that the reality of all of it is that is is kind of alarming that someone like you would actually have any kind of right to be alive. So their problem is stupid people, but the really sad thing is that they let these idiots drive them to the absolute brink of the edge of the abyss and it is an outrage that knows no comparison. It is the Aquarian who might actually consider killing him or her self just to make a statement about the tragedy of the growing number of idiots being reproduced into the world today.

Pisces Ah yes, long suffering Pisces are very angry and very upset at these lingering events which is interesting since angry is not usually a term that is used to describe most kinds of Pisces people. But this does happen to them, and it happens to them for one of two reasons. The first reason might have something to do with their feet, and standing in those damn lines all day and half the night because Pisces is about feet, and when they hurt, Pisces can get extremely prickly. The second scenario goes like this: quite simply, Pisces brain sensitivity has gotten kicked into high gear and there is now a primal rage thing happening, and this primal rage thing is linked to all kinds of substance abuse related neurotransmitter shifting, dislodging, re-connecting in all the wrong places, and important reuptake inhibition processes which all got started due to excessive celebration of election month which to them, started on about September 1, give or take a few months if you want to get real picky about it. Suffice to say this much however, anyone who has seen a Pisces in one of these psychotic rages will remember it forever, and most of us have, in fact, had the horrifying occasion to experience such a show, courtesy of one of our normally lovely but obviously hopelessly alcoholic Pisces relatives.

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