Pluto Transit To The Moon - Mine: My Daughter, The Loss You Can’t See
Astrology in real life
Heather writes on Strength, Weakness, Projection and Crap
“I grieve for Mosta and Vid and you and the soldier for the loss of those dreams, but I’m so thankful to have had a small piece of your daughter through Mosta quotes and her beautiful smile that shows through her eyes in every picture…”
This is very strange thing and it came up in another form this weekend. It has to do with loss in a void… it’s very personal and because of this comment, I’m going to explain.
I started writing online in 2000 and introduced my daughter as “Mostacciolia” (her chosen screen name) in 2001 when she 5. My daughter is inordinately bright, she is arguably a genius having tested in the 99% percentile and she like everyone else in my family, the girl has a mouth on her.
Now blogging was new back then, it was very new but I took to it and right away started posting all kinds of things, astrology, stories and most popular at the time, “Mosta quotes.”
Yeah, my daughter was more popular than me back then BY FAR and she quickly gained a worldwide audience due the charm and the wit of what came out of her mouth which was… advanced. As a matter of fact, people started sending her stuff from all over the world, this is a girl who had herself some FANS.
It is now 8 years later and my daughter is gone. There are people who have tracked this the whole time. They remember when she was diagnosed with amblyoplia and dog eye patches flooded in. They were there when things got darker and then darker still and pretty soon they got so dark I just quit talking and since then years have passed.
I moved to this blog in 2005 and there is a whole new audience here. People don’t know who “Mosta” is. They don’t know what was special about her. They don’t know she could read on a 10th grade level when she was 5 years old and they don’t know that at one time she could write in a way that left little doubt in anyone’s mind that she was touched by God.
So then I lose this little girl… my first child that embodied all my hopes and dreams and some people, a lot of people just shrug. And I understand, don’t think I don’t. I do understand because to many (most) of you, Mosta is a phantom. She is an ethereal thing but she is not an ethereal thing. She was my beautiful daughter and she is now cut down in what is literally the cruelest way you could possibly imagine, bar none.
But no one knows this, see. Well a few of you do and this is my point:
I lost something else like this a long time ago. It’s a piece of me that has been gone more than a dozen years but no one knows it. If you don’t know what I had, then you can’t know what I lost but check this out:
The soldier knows. Yep, I had that thing when he knew me when we were kids and he knows exactly, precisely what a loss this is and we talked about this over the weekend.
“I try to tell people what that was but they don’t understand.”
“I understand, P.”
And so he does but here’s the good part. Yep, there is a good part and this is it:
Wednesday I am going to get this thing I lost 12 years ago back. That’s right. And it’s going to be a pain in the ass and this is the point of that:
I would never take the time or trouble to go get the thing back if there were not someone here to validate my feelings, do you understand? Because I have told others of this loss. I have told them with great passion and animation but they never saw the thing and me with it so they just couldn’t understand the void and this is where I am with my daughter.
Don’t talk to me about it. If you didn’t know her you never will. But I did know her and I can never forget.
And this is what it’s like when you lose your child - this is what it is like.
38 Responses to “Pluto Transit To The Moon - Mine: My Daughter, The Loss You Can’t See”
I will never know your Mosta, but I have a daughter, my first child, inordinately bright, funny, amazing, and every breath she takes is full of promise, and so I can imagine, and it is a physical terror that grips me and terrible grief that I feel for your loss.
I have no words.. thank you for sharing this.
I’ve been praying for you and your family. Things will never be what they were. but I put faith in your happiness. It can’t be total without Mosta, but I still have faith in some fulfillment if not in your happiness then in your grievance being as healthy as can be.It might take a lifetime, because the pain of one’s own child is not easy to take in and feel,or see.
“She was my beautiful daughter…” shit, Elsa. I can’t decide if I want to cry or punch something out of the sheer unfairness of it all.
Good luck on Wednesday.
Elsa the words that you do share with us are immeasurably generous.
I know I can’t place myself in your shoes but I learn every day from your willingness to emote and for that I’m very grateful.
Much love to (((you))) and (((all those you love))), in all forms they occupy in your life.
Elsa, thank you for sharing this. I just never know what to say but I just want you to know that I really look up to you and find your spirit inspiring and uplifting.
I am sorry to hear that life has delivered your daughter and family such a cruel blow. Wishing that all hope is not lost and peace comes your family’s way soon.
When I think of this blog and you Elsa I think of strength. Strength in the face of immeasurable and a totally unfair amount of pain. My prayers and my heart go out to you. Also my thanks for continuing to give.
Mosta was just …. amazing. I don’t know what to say and often err on the side of nothing rather than say something thoughtless and possibly hurtful. But thank you for posting this. I think about that girl a lot.
((((Elsa))))
There are no words I can express in this medium that can convey how my heart breaks for you.
It’s always an undercurrent for me when I read here, knowing that you are moving through this loss, which only makes the bright spots that much brighter (and the dark patches that much darker, unfortunately). Reading this, though, it hurts.
I don’t know Mosta from way back, she was already ill when I started reading, but I still think about her all the time. I miss the vibrancy she brought when she was feeling well. I’m sad that I will never know Mosta better.
I know it’s unimaginably worse for you, E, and that’s what brings tears to my eyes. If I, who have never met her and only knew her peripherally during her illness, mourn knowing this precious child … then what must you be feeling? Dear God! The anguish would have to be unfathomable. 
Words cannot do it justice. I only wish there was something I could do.
That spark of her that is still with you, will ALWAYS be with you. And when it is not (whenever that may be) it will be because YOU are with HER.
Thus, in the final analysis, past present or future, she is never entirely gone. It’s just the visible circumstances that change.
God bless, Elsa.
As a mother myself, and as someone who was definitely one of Mosta’s fans, I understand…to a point….I can never fully fathom what you are going thru, even if I were to have the same thing happen to me. No one can…but we can care & empathize…I feel for you and your family so much. I can honestly say that I love you all…I don’t know what else to say, so I’ll shut up now…I will continue to pray for you all….much love
Remembering Mosta, in spirit, whom I did not know except through your recent posts.Her soul was too adnvaced for us.. And sending you many wishes for peace,Elsa.
I hope that what you are getting back is pivotal in restoring some balance to your life..hugs from M.
Thanks for putting this out there, Elsa. Thank you.
I remember Mosta. I think Shannon said it best, and I don’t think I can even begin to comprehend the loss. Its just too big.
I was around in the Mosta quotes era, but I still can’t begin to comprehend this. ((((Elsa))))
This is by far the most heartbreaking thing I’ve read…in years.
I’m sorry I didn’t get to know Mosta and her bright quotes but just looking at that picture makes me feel a tiny bit of warmth. It’s such a magical moment there. Thank you for sharing: everything. All the best to you, Elsa.
Love and prayers Elsa, to you and your loved ones.
I remember Mosta. I remember meeting you for lunch in Denver several years ago and being sorry that she was at school that day and that I didn’t meet her in person. I remember Vid, though, and what an incredible child I saw him to be - then and now.
I’m even more sorry now that she wasn’t there that day.
I think of her, and those quotes, and the miracle that she was to so many of us who “knew” her thanks to her mom sharing her light, more often than you can know.
My heart is with you all, Elsa.
I don’t know what to say. That picture is so beautiful, it’s heartbreaking to read that post. I didn’t know Mosta except through what I’ve read about her this past year. It really is just heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you and your lovely family. And I’m glad you get back this Wednesday what you’ve been missing for 12 years. Best of luck and hope all goes well.
(((Elsa)))
I cannot write the words to express my sorrow, but I feel it for you.
Christ, you’re beautiful in that picture. And your daughter as well. Hope that’s not innapropriate. Wish I had other words that would be of any comfort at all where you are but I don’t.
x
i can never find much of anything worth saying about this. it’s beyond my little brain
(but i try…)
she really is a miracle. if a brief one. and i can’t grasp how to combine both truths…. let alone what _you’re_ faced with, as her mother.
I didn’t know her at all. I do know how hard it is to keep that flame we are born with alive when it seems like it will be blown out at any minute. Sometimes all I can do is cup my hand around the little embers of my heart until I reach a ground that has more kindling. Here’s hoping there’s some kindling further uphill for you, Elsa.
Elsa I am so sorry. I still think of Mosta as a beautiful 7 or 8 year old girl. I’m so glad you chose to share those times, as well as these.
-john
For me Mosta is a mystery of life — why so short on this side. Her essence, as much as the little I can know, gets me in touch with the cusp of the 8th and 9th houses in general, how being here or there is the ultimate in -Why,God/God,Why?- why is she joining ancestors so quickly. It’s either this or cry forever or become a stone or jump off a bridge. Instead, it feels like there is the call for love rushing in as you have with your soldier and son. Just now in this minute I think of the 8th 9th cusp as an improvised bivouac, set up in a blitz of survivor instinct. Everyone of us with a bed in a bedroom says oh my god I could never sleep in a bivouac, but as the mother of a child, when this child is beyond all realms, the mother gets blessed protected and although in constant state of mourning, gets access to this realm beyond all realms, the cusp between the 8th and 9th, a gaping huge blog of light and dark. Elsa, thank you for putting words to this.
Just in case this isn’t clear… my daughter is not dead. She just does not live at home and it is pretty clear she will never be able to live at home again and whatever hopes I had for her… well I they say hope is the last thing to go and it’s is in fact gone.
There is always room for a miracle, however to expect one in this situation would be totally delusional. I am in the land where I must accept reality and figure out how I am going to live with her not here because every time I say, “my son,” I know damned well I have a daughter too.
I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry. I wish there was something I could give to ease the pain.
I’ve been reading your loving words about, and from, Mosta since you were on Xanga, before she was ill. I didn’t know her except through your relating stories of her but I do know through your recountings is that she was a special, vibrant and beautiful girl whose family loved her very much. I’ve shed tears for her and for you & Vidroid at having to endure this. I cannot comprehend your loss but you have my good thoughts and love, Elsa. You’re an amazing person.
mosta forever!
otherwise i’m speechless.
I have been reading you so long, I remember when Mosta had her own little blog, which was linked to yours.
I low my own first-born daughter, and I understand how futile it feels to try to talk about it.
I also know sympathy doesn’t help, but people can’t help but offer it, so I do.
I lost, I meant to say.
I remember Mosta, and I’m pretty sure I always will. She’s the kind of kid who leaves an impression, you know?
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oh my god! i can’t even imagine. how on earth are you getting through each day, let alone writing here everyday and putting up with some of the stupid crap and crazy comments mine included? you are like that big solid rock in the middle of the field and even though people can see you from miles away they still choose to smack right into you. i am really sorry. I know that you do not want any hallmark card responses, but i am really very sorry!