Whatever you think of me and wherever you put me, I act true to form. This means when I started writing the soldier’s son in Iraq (I used to be an Adopt-a-Platoon lady some years ago), I started telling him stories. The stories (like the soldier and P) are meandering but people do get caught up them. I write him the same way I write here, that is I mail him a barrage and then shut up for awhile.

Besides my core stories I also write him various series. He is tracking his dad’s hog status (his diet) for example but also his adaptation to Denver which the soldier considers to be a booming metropolis. The soldier really belongs in the woods or the jungle and I call these bits “Your City-fied Dad”. I have decided to start sharing some of this with you guys because it’s just hysterically funny. (swearing below the break)

Now I know it’s not funny to be rude as hell and not PC however, it actually is funny. If you could see him do it, you’d see why rather than make him enemies, it tends to make him friends.

I don’t have to tell his son this because he knows. But I am trying to give you some insight. For example when someone at work offers him hazelnut coffee creamer 14th time after he has politely told them he doesn’t want any for weeks, the rhino goes off and it sounds like this:

“NO! I don’t want any of your hazelnut, I mean your GAAAY-zel nut creamer so would you just shut the fuck up and quit asking me? Matter of fact if you ask me again, I’ll kill ya. I don’t drink gayzel-nut, hazelnut, whatever the fuck you call the fuckin’ shit you like to drink and I have told you a million fuckin’ times, I don’t want the shit so just back the fuck away!”

On that, everyone’s jaw drops, their eyes open wide and they just want to see this again. They want to see if what they think happened just happened but of course the soldier is done. He’s a rhino done run off an offender and he goes back to dong his job with no interest in interacting with anyone in the moment or ever again.

Now people are drawn in by this which is completely baffling to the soldier . He just can’t figure out anyone’s interest in a rhino…

“Why to do they all want to talk to me, I’ve got nothing to say. Rhino’s aren’t interesting. All they do is eat and drink and fuck. Hang out in the mud hole. They sure as hell don’t talk to people. What’s a rhino have to say anyway? But here they come and they want to converse. They want to talk to me and why, P, why? Today he came and talked to me for no reason at all. 20 minutes he stayed there shootin’ the shit and then here comes his wife and now she wants to talk to me too. What the fuck. P? What’s wrong with these Coloradans? Why do they want to talk so much?”

Last night the soldier was standing in the bathtub, ready to sit. But first he had to paw through the water with his foot. You know how you mix the hot with the cold. He was pawing like a bull.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked. “How come you’re not in there… sitting in there.”

“I’m getting the mud hole ready, P. I’m getting it just right.”

“You look just like a rhinoceros.”

“I know, P. I know. There is nothing I can do about that, we’re both stuck with me, I’m sorry.”

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