His Scorpio Moon And My 8th House: Placing Blame And Projecting Your Shadow In Relationships
Ask the collective
“Just what do you mean when you say, project their shadow?” the soldier asked over the weekend. “Exactly what do you mean by that?”
“Well take these women, they have a falling out with their man. And they say blah, blah, blah he did all this crap to me. He’s this rotten guy.”
“Yeah, they do that.”
“Right. And it never occurs to them what they did to the man. They just don’t look at it at all. They’re this little flower in a skirt I guess and 9 times out of 10 it’s obvious to me why the man hit the road. And I’m not saying it’s the woman’s fault. I am saying they cannot see they have any part in it at all. They just don’t want to say or think to themselves, you know. I drove that guy straight up a wall. Hey! Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe he’s not the monster, maybe I am the monster. Me! The one in the lipstick.”
He laughed.
“Well it’s true. And as long as they do they’re doomed. It is impossible to actually be happy with your shadow projected like that, it just takes all the energy in the world to delude yourself and the older you get the worse it becomes. But by God, they won’t look at it. No worms crawling on them. They look for people like me and people like you and we’re the creepy ones. Waste of a life if you ask me. It’s a lot more interesting to live it the other way, that’s all…”
When a relationship fails who are you most likely to blame? Yourself or the other?
Skip to part 2… Placing Blame Redux
23 Responses to “His Scorpio Moon And My 8th House: Placing Blame And Projecting Your Shadow In Relationships”
At this point in my life I don’t see relationships that end as failures. I just see it as two people that didn’t really fit.
That said, I do take responsibility for my part in creating something that may not have worked out the way I expected and have gotten much better at finding a good fit over the years as well as maintaining relationships that can work.
I always have blamed myself until now. I’m watching my marriage crumble and as we had yet another discussion last night I pointed out that as long as I’m the only one talking…it’s all my fault. He said, “I’m in this for life, I’m not the one talking about leaving,” but sits there and does nothing about changing the situation. He’s not any happier than I am, but I get to be the shadow. I’m not saying I’m blameless…I have my definite faults, but you can bet that if it comes to me leaving, everyone will say what a hateful person I was to leave this poor man who had done nothing, when that right there is the problem.
Me, me, me. It’s all my fault. Yes, I do admit to the guy being jerky, but I’d rather attribute the blame to my actions than my inability to pick men (though both are at fault, really).
it’s been a long time since i’ve been there. and the guys were jerks, although i always felt like a failure because i thought if i loved them cleanly enough, it would make some kind of unstoppable magic.
with little things/disagreements, i go back and forth. a lot of times, when i get the other perspective, i can certainly see it, but i can’t always produce it myself. i just don’t always think like my man, after all…
I’ve always said there’s not a man on the planet I could put up with for six months…and not one who could put up with me for three months. So, both (says the Libra).
Hmmm…maybe both? When both people project their shadows it can get mighty confusing what belongs to which person. Especially if their shadows have some things in common. I tend to think if something genuinely fails, it takes one to contribute the cause and the other to let it happen. But both have to happen at the same time. If either party changes then it disrupts the dynamic and failure doesn’t occur.
Goddess - “a lot of times, when i get the other perspective, i can certainly see it, but i can’t always produce it myself” Same here. That’s why communicating with others is so important. Sometimes you just can’t figure out the other perspective no matter how you try because you are not them. They have to be willing to show/tell you. And I do think in a relationship it is both people’s responsibility to be willing to reveal this part of themself so the other person has a chance to understand it. I’m usually very willing to adapt to a partner, but I need to know what they want. I understand once I get the chance to step in their shoes and see what they see. Who else could afford a person such an opportunity but their partner 
I’m a big proponent of personal responsibility. Three years of therapy helped me open my eyes to that one. It makes it harder to slip into my prior typical Pisces heartache of ‘how come I only date terrible men!’ or alternately, ‘why doesn’t anyone love me?!’ (because it requires the other party to take responsibility, too!)
daeshii that’s why i went into therapy back in the day, too. i kept having crappy relationships. logic told me the entire world isn’t screwed up, so it must have been something i was doing. 
I always blame myself. Then I get angry at myself for blaming myself entirely, and find the ways that the guy was responsible for his behavior too.
Why does the end of relationship have to be a failure? Honestly, I think all relationships have a purpose. Some of those purposes are accomplished in a short period. I don’t blame anyone.
flip
Well, often I blame the other person when a relationship fails…er, anyone else? LOL.
Seriously though, this post is VERY timely. Elsa I spoke to you in consultation about a woman at work I was friends with who I’m not any longer.
We haven’t spoke in 2 years. I was just at a funeral of a dear friend, she knew him casually and came as well. I made an attempt to approach and was (I thought) rebuffed.
Another friend (my pal’s best friend) came to me…asked me to make amends for HER sake. I said ‘I tried to speak to her and she turned away.’ She asked me to try again, and I said ‘Okay.’
Because hey, I was at her best friend’s funeral! What are you going to do? Say ‘No, she’s a bitch.’ ?? No.
Anyways, I got a HUGE hate email today. Vitriol and accusations…on and on and delusions, most of it. I wrote back, maybe I shouldn’t have. But I wanted to refute her claim that I was smearing her all over town. The thing is, and I have spoken about this before in other posts–my MO was always to keep my mouth shut to keep my nose clean.
I also reminded her that she betrayed me repeatedly and that while we were friends I was extremely loyal and loved her deeply. That I walk away from people who don’t respect me or love me back.
::::sigh:::: Bleh. Anyway. It’s true what you say. This person is 36 years old and is still blaming anyone and everyone for her pain.
I don’t wish her pain, but I sure wish she’d valued my friendship when she had it. Here’s to letting people go and eliminating pain, and hoping they can work through theirs too.
myself. sometimes for simply making a bad decision.
sometimes for being an idiot and not paying enough attention.
flip- that’s a good point. although i gotta say, my old relationships belonged dead! some of ‘em were fairly horrendous. (we’re talking police and felony and involuntary commitment bad.)
kashmiri- sorry you had to endure the tirade. yeck! you’re a kind person to respect the friend’s wishes, even when you knew they were in vain. :hug:
I generally blame myself, although there have been times when I’ve suddenly had a thought hit me about what was going on, and take heart in the fact that it wasn’t all my fault.
With the guy that suddenly went funny on me, earlier this year, I’d messed up in ways, and so had he… I thought we were finally on the same page, and then he flipped the page on me, just disappearing for a while; when we were in contact again (not nearly as much as we had been), he wasn’t fully acting like the guy I knew (or thought I did). I wanted answers, but he was being vague or dodging. I thought “I don’t need to read that book, ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’” to get the message, but I waited and gave him a chance to tell me the truth… brutal honesty worked for him, when it served him, but when I needed answers in April, his response was “What is truth, anyway?” (He’d been reading Eckhart Tolle’s books). I hit the roof, and he was briefly “into” me again, but has avoided me since I called him on a lie (in May).
This evening, I remembered a big mistake that I made a couple of years ago, that deeply embarrasses me. It’s something that it seems can’t be fixed, and is a reminder of my own “shadow” when I go off the deep end… I’m well aware of my own mistakes, and that’s why I’m generally (not always, unfortunately) more patient with others than I am with myself (actually, I say unfortunately - I need to be more patient with *myself* - when I’m not, I make more mistakes).
I blame me … I was going to say there was one exception, but even then I blame me. And then on thinking this more, I blame them too (but more deeply I know it’s still me). Typical Libra fashion.
I don’t think I’m worth a man. Because when I look at myself like that in the mirror - like how would a man see me? I think, I wouldn’t take me either.
And I think so long as that cloud is a shroud around me, none will.
I am the woman no man can marry, because I wouldn’t marry myself:)
Yes, I blame myself–for putting up with their crap. For not seeing the signs. For being delusional.
That said, I always get something very positive out of my relationships, so once I heal it’s really not a bad deal. Then I don’t blame anyone at all and it “just turned out that way” and things are fine again, and the ex and I are friends.
So far it works.
To add to the above - the link for this woman’s goal on 43things, is what I’m learning to do in my life:
http://www.43things.com/things/view/1678120/continue-to-avoid-the-over-acceptance-of-personal-responsibility-and-remember-to-share-accountability-when-appropriate
Randal - I think the way around is the hard and long way. I have to learn to like myself. Or make myself into someone who I would want. And that’s a long path. Either way.
Sorry for the third post… (one is still awaitng moderation, since it has a link in it, I guess).
When I thought “I don’t need to read that book” I meant that it was obvious he was no longer interested, not that we were fine. (Just to clarify.)
- - - - -
Althera, I’ve been there, too. I can’t tell you what happened for me, but I suddenly started fighting for myself again/standing up for myself again, about five or six years ago… astrologically, I had Pluto trine Mercury, and Uranus moving back and forth over my Mars, squaring and trining other planets.
I quess … when someone blames himself for -eveything- then its also a projection!.?
mmarianna, I am not reading through this whole thing so may be off, but my immediate response is that it is not a projection but an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. To project something by definition, means there is another entity of some sort, involved.
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God Elsa, it’s so funny you wrote this, because the other day I was going to keep writing on the Libra/Codependence Blog, but figured, hey it’s your forum, not mine, so I didn’t…but i was going to keep writing, one of the reasons I have had such a hard time letting go of my last relationship and dipping my toes into the dating scene again, is the tough realization I’ve had about my role in the mess. And I would catalogue it here, except for the same reason above! Your point about the soldier and housecleaning said it all… yeah he can sure push your buttons, but he has a point of view. It’s his, not yours, and that’s where you work it out.