The soldier and I have recreated the same conditions now as we had when we were kids on many fronts. For one thing, he does not come near my job.

When we were kids, I literally forbade him to come to my job (I was a bartender). I used to talk and tell stories all day long… I was completely free and did not want to feel the restriction I do when in his presence, through no fault of his own. It was this and the fact that when you are a bartender, men stare at you all day. I figured he wouldn’t like that so it would just be easier if he stayed away.

So now we have the same situation. He stays completely off my blog although it is by his own choosing this time around and I got to thinking the other day, it might not be so good. For one thing, I think I am pretty good at this blogging thing and there is a side of me that would like him to know it. It’s like being a performer. It I were a singer and he never came to my show, how would that be? Is that not a large piece to ignore? We talked about this.

He thinks this is just a job. This is my job, he has a job, we had jobs when we were kids and nothing more. “It’s not your life, it’s your job!” I couldn’t really parse what he was saying in the moment so I just let it go and then yesterday he walked in just as I was screening that last video.

I saw myself talking animatedly on screen and was suddenly aware I was doing the exact same thing as I did in the bar all those years ago. I told stories non-stop just exactly as I do in that last piece. Same style, same face, same flavor or emphasis or whatever it is that I do. Half scared, I decided to show him.

“This is what I do,” I said. “Watch this with me, okay? Just every few months or so, will you watch one of these so you can track what I am doing?”

He agreed and sat down to watch quietly… laughed at the last line. “Count them out!” he said.

“Yeah, count them out. So, see that? That is how I was when I tended bar and you were never there. That’s what I was doing when you were at work or not looking. You can see it now. That right there is my product.”

“Uh huh?”

“So how do you feel about it? Is it embarrassing to see me like that… doing that? Is it an embarrassment? It is embarrassing for me to have you see that, so is it embarrassing for you?”

“Not embarrassed, I’m jealous. I am always jealous of those things, those videos. I am always jealous of you and no, I’m not embarrassed. I have never been embarrassed of you in my life.”

“Really? You’re not embarrassed?”

“Jealous.”

Boy was I relieved. I have tremendous fear of being judged by him. His Saturn on my Mars Mercury. Don’t really want to get caught talkin’, LOL. And it is so strange because I am simultaneous proud (Venus in Leo) and this just goes to show you how queerly people are strung.