This is the sweetest thing ever.  Night before last we had a possible intruder in the house and a hilarious result. I am going to try to write  this if I can possibly do it justice but in whatever case, the soldier and I were recounting this story for Vidroid and it sounded something like this:

“Here someone is in the house, you said someone was in the house and what do you do? You lie there on your back.  What the hell? Are you going to do something or what?” I asked.

“Well yeah, P, I’ll do something. I’ll kill the guy.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought! But when?”

“When he gets in the room. Soon as he gets in the room, I’ll kill him.”

“Oh for Godsakes. The guy is coming down the hall!  He’s right there,” I said pointing to the door of the bedroom.  “What if he shoots us from the door? Right there in the doorway, he shoots and we’re lying here dead.”

“He’s not going to be able to do that? He’ll be dead, P. He’ll be a 6 foot target standing in a doorway and what’s he got?”  The soldier was lying down on the bed. “I only stick up this far,” he said patting his stomach. “And it’s dark!  He’s not going to hit me, P, don’t you worry.  I can kill him before he kills me.”

“Yeah? Well I think you should be a hell of a lot faster (never tell a a Taurus to hurry).  Aren’t you supposed to have lighting fast reactions and all that?  Come on, man. Where is all this Special Forces training? Where! If you are not here, I expect to die but you are here so why don’t you save me?  Where are all these fast reactions? Don’t you have some fast reactions?”

“I do. I do have fast reactions. I am fast, P!”

“Then why were you lying there like a lump.”

“I was relaxing, P. I was relaxing with you and going to kill the guy as soon as he got in here.”

“He was in the hall for Godsakes!  Supposedly he was. You are the one who said so.”

“Yeah so we knew where he was but he didn’t know where we were so we had the advantage.”

“But we were talking about him! He could hear us, he was in the hall.”

“You were the one doing all the talking.”I said someone must be in the house,” he said with his voice lowered to a whisper. “You said, someone is in the house! Don’t you scare me! Go do something!” he said with his voice booming. “You were the one with the loud talking so he could hear us. I was the one keeping quiet.”

I sighed. “Well that’s right. I was scared and do you do something? Hell no! You just lie there right on your ass! Greaaaat! I can’t get you to get up. The guy is going to come in the bedroom and what are we going to do? We’ll be fighting over the bastard. Wait right there, I’ll say. I am trying to get my killer boyfriend to get off his ass and do something about you! Hold one there, babe. This guy is going to take care of you, I just got get him ready.  I just have to get him up because as you can see he’s lying down right now.”

“P, there was plenty of time. He had the light on. Think he’s going to kill us with the light on?”

“I have no idea.”

“Well I do. He’s not killing us with the lights on and when he turned off the light, did I not get up? That light went off and did I not at that point, get up, put on my pants and grab the gun so I could kill him?”

“You did.  You did finally get up.”

“Right. ‘Cause I thought, uh oh he’s turned off the light. He is coming to kill us now, I better get up…”

We were laughing like hell and there was more but Vidroid’s bedtime arrived so we stopped talking so I could put him to bed.  Tucking him in I said…

“I have no idea how you got stuck living with people like us.”

“I don’t know either but I sure like it.”

I shook my head.  I think this was the nicest thing I have ever heard in my life.  My kid is happy.  He likes living with us and I can’t think of much more to want out of life.