Deirdre Tanton writes:

I came to Germany in the first place because I was in love with Ansgar. He had come highly recommended by a picky friend who had already known him for ten years. I was 35 and knew that the next right one would be the father of my child, if I would ever be lucky enough to have that happen. Ansgar was, I thought, the guy I had longed for since the first drip of my period. Within three days after meeting, we fell madly in love kissing everywhere. When he said he wanted to have a family with me, of course I got on a plane and moved in with him six weeks later. The transiting Uranus-Neptune unit were conjunct my natal Venus-Mars unit. It was a huge 1st house pile up. Nothing could have stopped me from this fate.

Viktor was born a couple years later, right at the end of transiting Pluto squaring my 8th house Pluto and conjuncting my natal Moon. Given the way Pluto had gotten dark, I knew I had to separate. The marriage lasted six years. I had to decide what to do. Feeling bad for breaking apart the family, I thought the honorable thing would be to stay in Germany so Viktor, who was three at that time, would know Ansgar (that, “the honorable part”, was what turned into the complicated thing five years later when Venus
turned Retrograde.)

Divorced life ran well. Viktor was at Ansgar’s on Tuesdays, etc. It ran like clockwork until Ansgar’s girlfriend broke up with him and I realized what an essential role she had played in our family system’s stability. We all mourned the end of that relationship. That was the beginning of my shouldering a lot more responsibility and being increasingly very, very alone in Europe. My world was getting smaller and smaller, Ansgar’s job made him work in a city as far away as Boston is from Washington D.C. He was less around for more reasons and he appeared always happier. Life was not working out in anyway at all for me. I was very shut down from feeling like a sealed Pandora’s box.

After a year and a half of alone, alone, alone, being numb and life working out even less, I was still stuck in “the honorable part”. Viktor and I went to America for summer vacation as usual. Boy was it nice being with family. Slowly there were little peeps of “We need to stay” seeping out of Pandora’s box. Five weeks later, I was in full-blown job interviews and registering Viktor in American school. I wanted to chuck the German apartment and everything in it with a remote control if possible. It was great to speak English, just say anything I want, anyway I wanted controlling intelligence, nuances, humor and respect. I was acutely aware of deep unconditional love as it can be on home court when Venus and South Node retrograde stationary on Pluto. What started out as summer vacation grew into a re-potting roots feeling into Pandora’s box.

There was just that small piece left, to place a call to Ansgar, tell him we weren¹t coming back. Ansgar begged us to come back for just one little year. He made promises of important things which did not come through.

We only went back because it’s bad to flee custody. So we flew back, Viktor, the normally always pleasant Libra, refusing to enter the plane, begging not to go, custody made no sense to him at all. I tried to explain custody over and over on the plane, but I felt like the teacher on Peanuts and I knew the decision to stay in America was all heart the decision to go back was only necessary and kids don’t understand that. Ansgar had never been interested in details, was never around anyway, why did he have even a say in where we were. I had to drag Viktor onto the plane breaking both of our hearts. After 15 hours of travel tears, horrible travel got worse landing in the world of sauer expression, shockingly heart wrenching, a worst after-trip hangover imaginable. Viktor’s transit was his first Saturn squaring natal Pluto with the first Chiron square coming up on the horizon.

I was surely back with no home team advantage whatsoever. Its hard to explain this to people from another country, especially as the project in Iraq can also not be explained, it felt like it made no sense to go into anything, why was this American woman throwing out so much from her apartment.

As astrologers we feel tremors when we know transits and ingressions are on the way. The tremors of Saturn about to enter Virgo were non-stop shaky. I knew that Saturn would soon oppose my natal Sun, conjunct my natal Pluto and square my natal Moon. Not only that, I knew Mars was going to go underground this winter with Pluto entering Capricorn. If things didn’t get happy fast, I knew it wouldn’t look good for a while. I was not numb anymore, and I knew I had to change everything. So when the travel ban arrived on Viktor’s birthday, I felt the gate go down around a long retrograde project which would need to somehow unravel.

AND SO… if Mars ever gets out of Cancer TODAY, I will be back to tell about what can happen in Family Court when Mars is retrograde in Cancer, and all other planets possible are in Sagittarius, including a void of course Moon.

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