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College Student’s Grades Dropping, Health Failing Due Unrequited Love: Astrology-Based Advice
Dear Elsa,
I’ve been in love with someone for 2 years. The love has remained unrequited. These two years have been pure torture with my grades falling rapidly, my health failing, me being more and more reclusive. I try and try to get over it and to ignore it but its driving me mad. I found out most Venus in Scorpio are obsessive and passionate, and I’m very afraid that I might never get over this. Or is there a chance that this someone is actually the one for me? Should I wait for him to come to me? Or should I let go?
Please do help me. I tried talking about it to people around me but they don’t understand. I feel like life has lost all meaning and purpose. Please do help me, I can’t bear this any more. please….
Double Capricorn
India
Dear Capricorn,
Sure Venus in Scorpio is obsessive and passionate but how about self-protective, hmm? How about Scorpio’s famous will to survive? I am sorry but I don’t have much sympathy. Why would I have sympathy for someone who is doing exactly what they want to do? Do you think this is accidental? Do you think you lack purpose? I do not agree.
I think you are using this guy as an excuse not to apply yourself. He is a way and means for you to find and feel an edge. He is a way you can feel pain and manifest your fear of failing. It’s got to be you because how can any of his doing when he’s not even on the scene?
Your friends don’t understand? I bet they do understand. They understand you are frothing at the mouth for a man who has no interest. They understand you are doing lousy in school and basically wrecking your life and while you’ve certainly got the right, I would not recommend it.
I recommend you clutch it up. I recommend you throw glass of cold water in your own face. Whatever it takes to snap yourself out of this, because you are in college now and you are supposed to paying your dues - as opposed to disabling yourself and calling it “love”.
Good luck.
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21 Responses to “College Student’s Grades Dropping, Health Failing Due Unrequited Love: Astrology-Based Advice”
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Elsa, you seem to want to blow off people in unrequited love. I’m not sure you’re right to do that. Not everybody falls into it with the ability to understand what’s happening to them, especially if it’s never happened before.
When this happened to me, it was because the first time I fell in love, I had formed no foundation of self-preservation ahead of time.
There were a lot of reasons for that, many of them not my fault. But now I can look back on that and say, yeah. He mattered to me more than anything in the world, and the reason was because, at the time, I didn’t matter to me. And I should have. But that took years to learn, and I had to quit school and wait those years before I could go back… it would have been nice if a glass of cold water could have fixed all my problems, but if someone’s this deep into someone else, I doubt that’ll fix it. Two years of letting your life go to hell? This is deep damage kinda stuff.
ewinbee - I did not blow her off. I answered her question and also consulted another person on this one to get their perspective.
That aside, I respect your view on this as well and am glad you offered it but I stand my advice. Drastic chart = drastic advice which is one of the ways I get in trouble on this blog.
At times people come along and are appalled at what I have written as far as “generic” advice goes. They do not realize I am talking to a person with a certain chart in a language they might speak. I know this is true because my editor has brought it to my attention.
In this case… I don’t know your chart but for this person to take a “victim” stance would be the worst thing in the world. Much better for her to recognize it is her driving the bus.
This is no different than “I have been snorting cocaine daily for 2 years… what should I do?”
Er… put down the drug.
I completely agree with what ewinbee said. It’s quite insensitive to tell someone in Double Capricorn’s situation to simply get over themselves.
I feel that issues concerning worthiness (s&m, in short;) are common to all of us to varying degrees, and that we are at different stages in the process of looking at these issues with conscious eyes. Still, it is clear that your intentions are good as always, Elsa:)
LMH - I did not tell her to get over herself. I told her she was in control of her behavior (she has the power) and probably ought to turn the wheel before she heads over the cliff.
Oh… and I cop to not being “sensitive” in this case as in my judgment it would be the worst thing in the world, sort of like coddling the alcoholic. This girl is going down the tubes. She’s lost 2 years, I vote that’s plenty, now turn this boat around! And for the record, I think she will. And maybe she will remember me as the bitch of 2008 but oh well.
Actually I disagree this time.
I think Elsa was right to be intense about it. The woman’s note had a tone of desperation to it, and although I am generally more of the opposite approach (with all the Pisces, it’s what I’m good at)–I do trust my intuition and if I need to insert some intense speech into advice to help rev up the person who’s asking me–then I will do so. At least I will try.
With any kind of advice, you’re stepping into ‘dangerous territory’ because it’s someone’s problems. Sure, I agree that most of the time you have to be compassionate about what you’re giving them, but censorship and gentleness aren’t always what’s required. I’ve noticed that the hard way. I’ve had to combine my intuitive healing energy with a more pragmatic approach.
Some of the best nudges for me, personally, came from friends or family that were almost rude to me. Not because I deserved bad treatment, but it was more of a wake-up call. There IS, however, a clear difference between being open and direct with someone about what is going on and being just plain mean or dismissive.
It’s just a hard call because when people are hurting they take everything as a slight. It can be just as damaging if not more so to tip-toe around someone and hope that someone or something else down the line will help.
Hugs galore,
Uncle Hannah
p.s. I have a short anecdote to illustrate this. As I said before, there are many times where I offer compassion or something healing to people who are not accustomed to receiving acceptance and healing–it seems right. There are other times when someone is stuck and the only way to get unstuck is to be pulled out or nudged a bit.
I have a friend who is in her late sixties and she gets very much caught in negative mental loops and becomes her own worst enemy (something I can relate to). She goes on and on about how horrible this or that is and she tells me that she is going to die alone, etc, etc. She is obviously working herself up into a froth. She went through a phase where she would say this every time she saw me. It was obvious that she was stuck in this treadmill of fear and stress and self-fulfilling prophecies and no kind thing that I said seemed to really break through, so I told her that she really needed to calm down because she was working herself up, then after that instead of enabling her by just ‘listening to her problems and hugging her’ or saying something loving, I realized that this was just continuing the cycle of getting very temporary relief by talking to someone about it, then going back to the well of anxiety and filling up again. Instead, what I did was instead of listen to the litany of what was wrong in her life via e-mail or on the phone or whatnot, I started to talk to her about other things, and about how I was doing–to pull energy away from the fear she was feeding on. It isn’t a perfect solution but I noticed it really helped the way she communicated after that (at least with me). Although I still try to insert compassion but just not when she’s frantic.
As I said-there’s really no perfect way to do things, but I can relate to what Elsa said, anyway…
You’ll get over it. Trust me. I have Venus in Scorpio as well and I suffer even when the love is returned.
As for your grades dropping, I know EXACTLY how you feel, my grades have been dropping lately and that’s because I am so applied and involved in my current relationship that I can’t even see straight. It took my partner sending me home to do homework for me to get the point.
But it’s like a Scorpio Psychologist told me, don’t lose yourself in the other person, don’t lose your interests and your focus because everything in life comes and goes and then you’re left to your own devices and your own mistakes and that’s not a pretty sight. And I know it’s very hard to just face reality and the fact that you know that obsessing over this won’t change anything, but you need to take some time to look at the big picture and blur out the details. The fact of the matter is that you’re letting down the one thing that should matter most, your education. Because one day, you will forget this person and once you do, you’ll realize WTF, I fucked up my education for someone who doesn’t even care for me. And I’m telling you this because at the end of the day, you’re still obsessing over someone who doesn’t acknowledge you and who doesn’t care what you do with your life or if it’s even treating you decently. Before you can love anyone, you have to love yourself. You need to reevaluate the situation because you’re losing your sense of purpose and yourself. It’s been two years like you said, the boat is sinking and you’re the only person on it, reflect and appreciate yourself.
Don’t close open doors, there is so much more to life than someone not loving you back. I’m a suicide survivor and I’m telling you, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, nobody or anything is worth saying that life has lost its meaning.
We give it the meaning we want to.
Scorpios are all about control so if we’re going to blame Venus in Scorpio, let’s take advantage of that control.
God, I write a lot.
I’m with Elsa on this one 100%. Doesn’t mean DoubleCappy’s suffering isn’t real people may not feel for her. To me, feeling for her means poking her with enough insight that maybe she’ll decide to do the work to pull herself out.
I don’t think it happens in a vacuum, and like your experience, Ewinbee, it served a purpose for you. And you were in it as long as necessary to serve your purpose.
But this chick asked if she was doomed to stay in the darkness, and Elsa’s response was “you can stay there or not, as you choose.” I think that’s empowering. (And after reading so many of the soldier stories, I can’t imagine our friend E. not understanding the concept of being painfully separated from a loved one.)
Cappy, I hope you decide it’s time to get your life back. Whether he comes back or you end up with someone else is ultimately irrelevant. Without giving to yourself, you’ll have nothing to left, for him or anybody else.
Peace out.
Hey Capricorn,
I understand being stuck in a situation like that (Venus in Scorpio too here); what I don’t understand so well is how you’re letting it ruin every other aspect of your life. I know it’s tough but YOU come first, no matter what, so take care of yourself.
As for the unrequited love, it will pass. I know you probably don’t want to, you’re still hoping he’ll be the one. But the bottom line is…if he doesn’t love you, he’s not, not today, not tomorrow, never.
Trust me, you’ll get over this. But take care of yourself.
It’s been TWO YEARS. There’s no hope in that relationship, and Elsa was right to point that out. She’s a Venus in Scorpio, and I’ve found that Scorps in my life respond to some harsh words. They take them in, mull, absorb what meaning they can gather, and implement if necessary.
She wrote in knowing what she has to do, she just didn’t want to do it. There was no uncertainty in her language, she just wanted someone else to do the hard work for her.
But then, I’m often accused of lacking compassion as well.
Oh… and I cop to not being “sensitive” in this case as in my judgment it would be the worst thing in the world, sort of like coddling the alcoholic.
I was going to say that the original struck me as a bit harsh, but on second thought, I think the answer was simply incomplete.
I’ve been in love with someone for 2 years. The love has remained unrequited. These two years have been pure torture with my grades falling rapidly, my health failing, me being more and more reclusive. I try and try to get over it and to ignore it but its driving me mad. […] I feel like life has lost all meaning and purpose. Please do help me, I can’t bear this any more.
The failing health and the ‘life has lost all meaning and purpose’ is symptomatic of major clinical depression. Keeping this going for two years is symptomatic of Eratomania or Obsessive love:
Phase three: Obsessive phase
This particular phase represents the rapid escalation of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person’s life. It is also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and ultimately, severs the relationship. In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP.
* The onset of “tunnel vision,” meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot stop thinking about a love interest and required his or her constant attention.
* Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest’s place of residence or workplace.
* Unfounded accusations of “cheating” due to extreme anxiety.
* “Drive-bys” around a love interest’s home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is at where “he or she is supposed to be.”
* Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest’s whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.
* Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest’s commitment to the relationship (guilt trips) with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.
Phase four: Destructive phase
This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression. It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to understandably flee. For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four of ORP:
* Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling “empty” inside).
* A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.
* Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.
* Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.
* Denial that the relationship has ended and attempting to “win a loved one back” by making promises to “change”.
* The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to “medicate” the emotional pain.
Eratomania is a delusion based on the idea that someone loves you and is sending you messages, obsessive love tends to fall out with the poersonality disorders. In either event:
I try and try to get over it and to ignore it but its driving me mad.
Hon, it’s already driven you ‘mad’. You are suffering from some form of mental illness and you need to see a professional for treatment IMMEDIATELY.
If you can’t get a professional, go to a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous group meeting (or any 12-step meeting: they should be able to point you in some direction, and if not, try another group).
max
[’HTH. Get well.’]
I’m a double sagg with venus in scorp and this happened to me in the late 90’s when pluto was destroying everything in it’s path. It took me quite a bit to get over it, but you do, and you really do look back and go WTF??? I wish I had advice like this back then. Sometimes a slap in the face is just what you need. Even if it doesn’t work at first, it might eventually. I was young and inexperienced and about the same age (college) and it is freaking HARD to get over stuff like that so I can sympathize with the double cappy, I know how you feel. You need to focus on yourself though and not let this person, who has no idea or probably even cares what’s happening to you, be the source of all your energy. Turn it to yourself and you’ll be surprised.
I agree with Elsa as well. I have been stuck in situations like this (Pluto on the Descendant) and I can tell you that it really just takes a clear look at yourself and your life to get unstuck. I realized that I wasn’t living. He was out living his life and having fun and I was stuck at home crying over him. What is the point in that? Why am I giving him all my energy when he’s giving nothing back? In the hope that maybe one day he will wake up? Well if he can see me suffering and it has already taken this long, he’s not very compassionate, is he? The situation was just silly.
And as an aside, one day I was thinking about all
this and decided that I was going to get myself unhooked. I announced to everyone that I knew that I no longer had a crush on this guy. And the VERY NEXT DAY, I met the wonderful man who I am currently engaged to and have been with for four years. It pays to get unstuck!
Hey, I’m also a Capricorn college student with Venus in Scorpio, so I have some experience to share with you.
I left college the first time because of the exact situation you describe. I came back and almost immediately repeated the experience, only in a more serious relationship.
My suspicion is that you will keep experiencing this situation in escalating intensity until you are able to master it. It’s a learning experience, however awful and removed that may sound.
The only real solace I found was exactly the thing I was letting go to hell: my grades, my work, developing my passions. The first time around, I wrecked my health, ended up in the hospital, and lived at home for three more years. This time, I’m supporting myself, maintaining a decent relationship, following my passions, but MOST IMPORTANTLY I am surrounding myself with the best support network I can find.
It takes YEARS– longer than two, believe me– for it to stop hurting, but the ability to get through and actually enjoy life again will come as soon as you start putting the work in.
I really feel for you. Good luck!
Also, I agree with Max. My “support network” includes health professionals. I personally use alternative therapies like massage and acupuncture instead of talk-therapy because it’s more effective for the physical depression symptoms I experience, but it really sounds like you need a doctor or psychologist’s help in some format.
Max, are a health professional?
I’m sorry but you cannot diagnose a mental disorder by reading someone’s e-mail.
That’s malpractice and can actually be harmful to the person we’re addressing.
Good job Elsa. Keep answering your free advice column based on people volunteering their questions to you. I support you %100, for what it’s worth.
And to the writer: do whatever it takes to learn to love yourself. I used to tell myself ‘I’ll never live with anyone as long as I’ll live with myself’ and it saved me. Because it’s true. Everything will fall away eventually. We’re visitors on this planet. That’s it.
I wish I had sound advice when I was down like this…I have Saturn/Neptune/Venus and it took me a long time to accept my obsessive love nature and profound ability to blame everyone for my lack of commitment to my own life and happiness.
Oh wow.
I’m experiencing the wasting 4 years of college/failing thing without an obsessive love to excuse it. Merely serpentine laziness.
Elsa,
I see what Im doing to myself. I will complete my education, absolutely no doubts about that.
I wrote in here to know if there was something in his chart that’d have made him care.
I wish things had been different.
Thank you ewinbee. Thank you Diana. Thank you Everybody who stopped by here for me.
Max - Eratomania? sheesh.
Kashmiri,
You are really kicking ass with your recent comments… Love this: “it took me a long time to accept my obsessive love nature and profound ability to blame everyone for my lack of commitment to my own life and happiness.”
thanks alma! i really appreciate how interested you are in what people have to say/think. it’s such a great trait, to be curious like that!