Saturn In Virgo: Control Is Control Is Control Is Control Is…
Commenting on the comments
Charlotte asks during a discussion on the “Splainin’ Myself” blog:
“…it is more like challenging someone. Isn’t that (reportedly) a good thing? Saying to someone, “I know you can do better” isn’t the same as “You must be more like this or like that” is it? It’s a fine line I suppose, where one can make you evolve and grow whereas the other makes you feel like crap.”
Charlotte - Assuming the person has not asked for feedback, I don’t see the difference between these two approaches. In both cases you are imposing your judgment and your priorities on the other person which to a person like me feels like a pure assault.
Telling me “I should do better” in one or another arena assumes your ability to prioritize my life supersedes my own which is one hell of an assumption. I can’t tell you how many people have urged me to wear makeup over the years. “Don’t you want to look better?” they ask.
Well actually, no. I want to go the library. I want watch this movie. I want to write this blog. I want to go give blood with my time or I just want to sit on my ass. What I don’t want to do is go to the store and buy makeup and put it on just because someone thinks I should look better. That drive is not in me. It is not organic to me so why should (or would) I adjust my life to live in accord with what another person thinks is important?
And what is this person’s disorder that makes them concern themselves with my face. Don’t they have their own face? Can’t they worry about it and leave me be?
I am not trying to be offensive, I just want to spell out how I know some people feel about this kind of thing. What it boils down to is control. Elsa, I think you should do this and this and this. Well guess what, nosy person? I didn’t ask you.
If I ask you, “how am I doing?” then “I think you can do better is appropriate.” If I don’t ask you to judge my performance and you decide to do so anyway and further, impose your opinions on me, well like I said on the other blog, I just think you’re insane.
Who gave you the score card to run around and rate others? Is that not crazy? Let’s see. I am going to run my own life and take responsibility for it and you are going to run around and try to get people to meet your standard? Ohhhhhhh-kay. I’m sorry but I am going to do everything I can to get away from you at my earliest convenience.
I made a video to this effect - 1 Minute Astrology - Please Help Save My Sanity - A Saturn in Virgo Rant. Subtitled “Quit fixing people - you’re making me crazy”. You can watch here or click over to read the comments….
Is there a line between helping someone and trying to control them? Where do you think it goes?
15 Responses to “Saturn In Virgo: Control Is Control Is Control Is Control Is…”
I think there is much to be gained by Charlotte’s question though. For one thing I have to stop and think have I ever done that? Plus a lot of people on this blog said that they would tell their friend if they were being a bitch. Well, isn’t that the same as telling someone that they could do better? I think so.
My Virgo dad and best friend are always telling me how I should do something. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I just get pissed off at them. Sometimes they are right, sometimes they are just being a pain.
Hanging out with a friend feedback comes up and is part of the dynamic IMO. I agree though in the language and delivery of the feedback. And I agree that it’s much better to create a dynamic where you are asked for advice before giving it. And the language can say a lot about where the friend is coming from.. if they have an opinion that might help and empower, or if they are selfish and just want to try to tell you what to do.
“Plus a lot of people on this blog said that they would tell their friend if they were being a bitch. Well, isn’t that the same as telling someone that they could do better? I think so.”
Tam - In my case the person in question asked for my opinion. See, I think that is where the line is. Do they want to know what I think? Otherwise it’s really none of my business whatsoever.
In my opinion and experience, attempting to tell others how to live their lives is a HUGE waste of time and energy. People are going to do what they want to do and that’s that. Oh yeah, I’m stubborn as a rock about doing things my way and have been since I was little . . . Sun/Moon trine Uranus and an emphasis in Fixed signs.
If someone asks me for feedback I will give it to them, in fact, as an astrologer myself, I do this all the time. However, I also do my very best to refrain for having expectations as to what they will do with the information! 
Whether or not they ask is a BIG one.
It’s like an attack to me if people criticize me too, and the reason is because I’m highly self-critical. That doesn’t keep me from having things wrong with me. It just means I am ALREADY SO AWARE of everything wrong with me, and if there were a way to fix it, trust me, it’d be fixed already.
People tend not to believe that until they start questioning me. “Have you tried this? What about this?”
Then after a half an hour of me telling them exactly why x and y and z didn’t work or wouldn’t work, once they are really convinced that they can’t really think of anything that I haven’t already devoted lots of thought to, I feel brutalized and they feel like an idiot.
When I ask for help, this doesn’t happen, because I ask feeling like someone else will know something I don’t.
Heh. My friends think I should wear makeup and get my grey hair dyed. They tell me it would only take a couple of minutes to put my face on every day, and that I could get semipermanent color that would wash out gradually. I tell them that I’m not interested. I think I’m not getting my message across any more than they’re getting through to me.
My sisters used to rag on me about makeup until I went completely ballistic a la Taurus and well I’ll be, that stopped it.
They also used to rag on me about wearing my pajamas all weekend, which is too insane to get upset about 
I would never, ever tell someone what to do with their personal appearance. To me it is such a highly personal thing that could seriously hurt someone. Never, ever, ever. I’d rather die.
Thankfully no one in my family has that “fixer” gene & I don’t attract those type of people.
Good point Liz. Part of connecting with others is feedback - provided that feedback is appropriate, respectful and constructive. I like it when other people share their opinions and insights with me, solicited or not. I figure there are a lot of things I don’t know…and if someone wants to give me some new perspectives then I’ll take’em. It’s not everyday that people will really tell you what they think (even if you summon the courage to ask). And besides, you learn a lot about how other people think even if you disagree with the advice and have no intention of following it. If someone goes beyond simple feedback and actually tries to make me do something…that’s where I draw the line
when they seem interested in feedback.
and when you’re trying to assist them in making their own decisions, rather than making it for them.
i think makeup is a conspiracy for women to have even less time to get everything done that needs doing.
but it can be fun from time to time. using your face as a canvas. but i tend to only do that when i go dancing. paint my face odd colors and enjoy the surreal effect.
currently doing public relations for a control freak, who thinks she knows everything about everything. she’s constantly criticizing and asking for work-changes to better fit her world view. i’ve been at this line of work for over 25 years and know it pretty well — she has no experience, but feels that everything needs to be remade in her image. *gggrrrrr*
AGHHHHH. I really really HATE this phrase, and I have expressed my hatred for this in past discussions. The first time I really started to notice people telling me what I “needed” to do was in 2003 when I was living with some new people who had wholeheartedly embraced the term and felt compelled to use it daily.
This was also around the same time when people started paying more attention to their technology than the actual person who was standing in front of them. The whole thing really pissed me off, and it’s all only gotten worse over time.
In fact, I was JUST complaining about this yesterday. Groups of people banding together on stupid issues and preaching to other people about what they should or should not be doing.
Worry about yourself first! Dammmnnn.
I grew up in an atmosphere of total control which has left me as a life in complete agreement with Elsa - b****r off, it’s none of your damn business, any of it, unless I ask for your opinion.
Get A Consultation
I'm available for consultations! You can schedule a consultation by phone or a consultation by email. You can also read what clients have to say about my consultations. Thanks, I look forward to working with you. :) - Elsa P
More
Recent Blog Comments
- wyrdling: it was much easier to form healthy relationships (venus) whe...
- ReikiHeart: I'm glad to hear your honeymoon was fulfilling, Elsa. Welcom...
- Dawn: Well the moon in Gemini, the sign of commmunication in combi...
- neva: Got Saturn back exact on my Jupiter/Uranus conjunction -- I ...
- AriesSun: Welcome back!! You are Energized - I can feel it!!! "Eve...
- Deb: My sister-in-law was in a car accident involving what appear...
- Demelza: Welcome back; you were missed....
Recent Board Posts
Hey Elsa,
One of the most common things that I hear from my friends in this regard is meeting a guy and then “updating” him or whatever. Like one friend had a guy who she said dressed atrociously. So she got him to dress better. And another had one that didn’t groom himself well, and so he got groomed better and started using new face wash to help with some acne. Wondering what you think about this? Same thing or is it okay to “update” your partner?
P.S. I agree “It’s all good” drives me INSANE!
TripleCap