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Open Question - What’s Up With The Guy In Her Yoga Class?
Ask the collective
Dear Elsa,
I have been getting back into the dating pool after focusing on my career for a long time. The last time I had a love interest was almost 2 years ago. I had been flirting with a man in my yoga class who has intrigued me for a while. He is very quiet and appears to be a determined and patient practitioner of yoga. I am alarmed about what has happened in my attempt to get to know him better.
We made plans to have lunch after class last week. He simply didn’t show up to class that day, which meant he wasn’t showing up, in effect, for our lunch date. He doesn’t have my phone number or email, and I don’t have his, so there was no way for me to find out what happened. He didn’t come to class all week. Then today, 8 days later, he showed up to class. Though he said “hello” to me and seemed quite pleased to see me, he did not mention the missed lunch, or his absence. Was it my responsibility to say something?
I admit to making sure not to say anything to see how he’d deal with the situation. Of course I have no birth data on him since I barely know him. This intrigue with him has been going on for months, actually, and it’s only this past month that we finally began to talk to each other. I have to say that the pattern of communication has been a frustrating one of one step forward and two steps back.
Can anyone really be that flat-out rude and/or phobic to behave the way that he has? Is this a case of your run-of-the-mill cold-feet no-show? Or are you going to tell me that I would be doing the same to him sooner or later if he were the one to show up for me?
Ms Sea Goat
United States
Dear Ms Sea Goat,
I don’t know what is going on here so I am posting this as an open question and hopefully others will chime in. It is definitely possible this guy is rude or just plain socially inept. It is also possible he did not want the date in the first place and this is his passive aggressive way of telling you. You are in the best position to judge this and I’ll give you the angle I’d use to get a fix on this.
You say he is very much into the yoga and flirting and yoga really don’t mix. Women generally outnumber men in yoga classes and as some admit, women are horny and they like hunt and compete. So often times when a man is in this kind of scenario the women compete for his attention. In affect he is a piece of meat. So if I were you I would check the situation from this perspective… see if what this guy really wants is to be left alone to do his yoga because if this is the case it would explain his behavior.
I definitely would not make any more forward moves, or feel bad about the ones I’d already made and no I do not think it was your responsibility to say something… he was the no show.
Good luck.
Anyone else have ideas?
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There’s a series of You Tube comedy videos - “The Inappropriate Yoga Guy.”
We could guess all day about this guy, I mean you really never know. All we know is he is not galloping toward our Ms Sea Goat in distress. Let’s focus instead on her Mars at 17° Pisces — that is conjunct today’s New Moon in Pisces AND Uranus is RIGHT THERE TOO!!!. Her yoga class is the Uranus part this forum is the New Moon on Uranus other part, her Open Question, and she is Mars reaching out from the 12th house.
I think it is possible, to not notice that someone is making a Mars in Pisces from the 12th house pass at you. Technically, isn’t that like double invisible? Use the energy of the group to energize your Mars.
Given that Elsa has posted this on the New Moon conjunct our Ms Sea Goat’s Mars day, I think she might be in a space to attract a response from this guy at the 1° Libra Full Moon in two weeks — and this Full Moon will be almost conjunct her 8° Uranus.
I say invite the WHOLE YOGA CLASS over to your place for a full moon dance party in your living room. I think there is a lot going on in the group experience, so dont throw out the Man-Baby with the bathwater! See what happens when yogis boogie together.
you don’t have enough info to know why he didn’t show. what you do know, however, is that you’ve expressed your interest in him and it’s been clear, right? you also know that he’s giving some mighty mixed signals, but the no-show and the no-comment afterwards aren’t all that mixed. while he may like you, he clearly had an opportunity to expand your connection beyond the scope of class flirting and choose not to, and to leave you in the dark as to why.
if it were me, i’d direct my attention elsewhere and drop the flirting. it does nothing but make you feel crummy when you’ve got back and forth mixed signals thing going. if he’s interested, then he can pursue it with the knowledge that you’d be interested as well, and if he’s not, you don’t ruin yoga class for yourself trying to guess the inherently unguessable-what’s going on in someone else’s head.
Dear Elsa,
Thank you very much for your response to me, and your professional manner of handling your correspondence. I appreciate everyone’s answer as it affirms my position to hold back and not offer anything more. I have a hard time not doing that, as I think it’s somehow my responsibility. It’s a sad feeling for me–at first–to feel powerless over the situation. But working through it brings me strength. Anyway, I am intrigued by the implications of Deirdre’s remark:
“I think it is possible, to not notice that someone is making a Mars in Pisces from the 12th house pass at you. Technically, isn’t that like double invisible? Use the energy of the group to energize your Mars.”
The “double invisible” bit sounds interesting, but I’m not quite sure that I’m following all of it. Could you please explain further?
Thanks!
I’d assume he’s bailing on wanting to date you, and treat him accordingly. Lots of guys do some kind of crappy “silent dump” treatment on you these days. You’re just unfortunately stuck seeing him regularly after he pulled it.
Oh and Ms Sea Goat, I guess I didn’t make it clear - he owes you an apology… and I was also going to mention strong Capricorn often draws Cancer men who play all kinds of “get mommy” games with women.
In fact I wrote a series on this - search “piss off mommy”
Thanks, Elsa. You’ve been very helpful. May I ask, what made you think Cancer?
Jennifer,
Point taken. Nothing to prove that it might be otherwise.
Just what I said. Strong Cap draws Cancer all the time. I would be amazed if this guy did not have cancer in his chart.
Regarding Mars comment I made, your Mars looks pretty soft, considerate, accomodating, and sensitive, that’s the Pisces part.
The location of Mars shows the kind of environments where we are likely to take out our Mars and use it. The 12th house, where your’s is, is mysterious. It is yoga space on a good night when your body feels fantastic and your spirit is in bliss. It’s also the blissful feeling of dancing together. It seems private although belongs to no one; it’s collective. This is what I mean by invisible, did he know for sure you were making a pass?
You might have felt floating, and you might have softly mentioned that “Maybe it would be nice…” So through all this I dont think you can be sure he knew what was going on. Maybe he thought it was like church if you say Peace be with you, was that a date? Is that at all possible?
A difference would be if you had Mars in Aries in the first house you might say “Hi I am totally attracted to you and I am going to bring my scissors to the next class so I can give you a cute hair cut before I kiss you.” I would imagine your way is quite sultry and mysterious in comparison and if he is a guy’s guy with no sisters you may be passing him symbols he cant see. You cannot be sure he picked up on it, which might show it might be hard to relate to him, but maybe not. He is important enough that you wrote to Elsa about him, which shows he is not easy to just put aside.
My idea about using the group is about being in the bliss space from yoga and being in the company of a swimming school of dancing fish. If you are completely nuts over the guy, energize the group and put the idea out there of doing something after class, see if he answers to or picks up on anything, be brave enough to notice if he is even attracted to someone else. If he is attracted to you then reward him, notice also if you dont even like him any more. If you don’t like him, you still have your school of fish dancing yoga friends and won’t be alone. When the situation is clear, you’ll be able to move on, either with him or without.
Deirdre
That’s a very subtle reading, and you’re right about my apparently uncommunicative way of expressing attraction–and a mellow warmth does emerge when I’m in class and we’re practicing next to each other. I admit to being unclear in my own signals. He knows that I’m leaving the area soon to take another job (a job I worked very hard almost the entire year to get), for instance, and seems to have cooled off since I have told him.
I think there’s a lot of mystery in this situation in general, and I am intrigued by what you picked up on, which is that I myself am/have been mysterious in my expressions of interest. I’m interested in the situation because it is making me examine the limits of control one–or I–have in drawing someone I am interested in further to me. When I think it’s the right move, the right time, I don’t get the reaction I expect or want. It’s been a sad experience, and I’m trying to learn as much as I can from it.
Thanks again to you and everyone else for responding with your input.
Elsa,
You wrote that “Strong Cap draws Cancer all the time.” Why is that? Also, do Cancer women have an equivalent to the cancer male “piss off mommy” games?
Alma - I imagine they do (piss off daddy games) but I am not familiar with the mechanics like I am the men because I have no experience dating cancer women.
Speaking as someone who has been driven nigh on to crazy by a no-shower no-explainer in the past… don’t let his inactivity control you here.
Next time you see him, if what you are thinking is, “Where the hell were you?” say so. If he reacts badly, you have your answer. You’re not even WITH this guy, and already your needs are not getting met.
If he responds to you again by some kind of disappearing act, blow him off. It’s not worth it. Repeat to self a million times. It really isn’t.
If someone stood me up and acted like that, I’d have to ask them what was up. I suppose it would depend on the situation but, I like to call people out on thier inconsiderateness. Besides, 9 times out of 10, things aren’t how I would imagine them, and asking questions helps to clear my head(maybe he had a death in his family and didn’t want to talk about it?). I have 5 planets in Scorpio also, so I have to find out WTF or it will drive me crazy.
caramia, that is good advice. So many times, I have wasted emotional energy imagining up all sorts of scenarios, personal slights, made up excuses, rationalizations on and on for so’s and friends. But without really knowing the truth. Which, when revealed, more times than not, blew all that angst away.
I don’t have anything in Scorpio, but I think WTF will be a major theme of mine from now on. thanks
But I also have to go with ewinbee’s take. This guy may just be a complete nitwit, or sticks his toe in the water then changes his mind, or who plays unwitting and/or passive aggressive games. Just try to take care of number one, and be open to someone who is actually there for you.