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Her Fiance Does Not Set Boundaries for His Children: Astrology-Based Advice
Dear Elsa,
My fiance is a wonderful man. And we have a such a great relationship… except when it comes to his children. Michael and his ex-wife have done very little to set boundaries for the children - whether regarding bed times, what food they can eat (and when), their language, and their bad behavior during the rare times they don’t get their way, etc.
We’ve been together over 5 years; lived together over 3 years. And this past 3 years has been a roller coaster ride. It has been especially difficult with respect to my fiance’s daughter who is now 12. She has worked tirelessly to come between us, but I have hung in there - making adjustments where I could to expand my tolerance levels, avoiding any attempts to discipline his children, etc. Unfortunately, the behavior of my fiance’s children really concerns me with respect to my own 6 year old son.
The greatest hurdle for us has been the lack of discipline with his children. It is still very difficult for him to punish his children for anything. We have been working on this issue, but the result has been that when he does impose a consequence of any kind - or even simply tell his kids they need to respect something I just asked of them (which does NOT happen very often) - my fiance’s subsequent reaction is to get bitter and angry with me.
This is a pattern in our relationship. And though I love him, and though our life together when his children are not around is really good, this pattern has led me to feel uncomfortable when his children are in our home (which is every other weekend and a couple days during each week). I feel like I have to ignore everything they say and do, as I know my saying anything will probably leave me dealing with an angry, defensive fiance.
Do you have any suggestions for how to cope with this situation? Am I really supposed to be okay with this situation?
Struggling Fianc©
United States
Dear Struggling,
It doesn’t matter if I think you are supposed to be okay with this situation (I don’t) because the fact is, you are not okay with this situation. You have the chart of a very disciplined person, a strong parent and there is just no way you are going to be comfortable with children running amok and running the household.
Thing is, there is little you can do without your fiance’s willing cooperation and while it sounds as if he may be learning, he is certainly learning slowly - which is another thing you cannot control.
It is also common that people resent the person who shows up trying to achieve some kind of order when they are used to disorder. Who the hell are you to come in and rain on their parade? Last, you are outnumbered. It is you and your son (who I assume is like you) against these three mavericks so what to do?
Well you can ask and you’ve done that. You can set an example and you’ve done that too, so this leaves you to decide whether you can stick this out or not.
Can you tolerate the situation in the hopes it gets better - or alternately, can you tolerate this situation until his children are older and take off in their own direction? Because I really don’t think you are going to be able to be able to have much effect on the scenario without your fiance’s 100% support, which he is clearly not offering. In fact is sounds like the whole family is making you the bad guy and eventually, yeah. This is going to color the way your son sees you.
I am sorry but this sounds like there is incompatibility at a fundamental level and I would really recommend against marriage until and unless the two of you can come to some kind of agreement and show some solidarity for the sake of everyone involved.
Good luck.
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4 Responses to “Her Fiance Does Not Set Boundaries for His Children: Astrology-Based Advice”
that’s a very hard issue. being a stepmom can be rough because you get all the responsibilities but often, none of the respect. i was lucky when i married my husband in that he could see that his children needed more boundaries than they had for their own, long-term wellbeing. but if you’re getting painted as the bad guy for wanting more order from your man even, it’s difficult to overcome.
have you considered looking at some family therapy to see if you guys can get some assistance in providing a united, consistent approach to discipline and order that you both feel comfortable with? i don’t think therapy is the answer to everything, but this is not an uncommon problem with blended families and it’s clear you want this to work (as well as want a pleasant home envirnoment).
if changes can be agreed upon and presented as in the children’s long term best interests (and most likely ARE anyway), you might have some better luck.
sending love out to you from one stepmom to another…good luck!
No chart. Impossible to do an open reading without one.
I gotta say though, that the mention of the “12 year old daughter” is significant. No matter what you feel about discipline, respect, language — whatever it is — you are going to be dealing with a maiden at the first flush of her sexuality. If you are experiencing power struggles already in your potential household, all I can say is, the battle hasn’t even begun. The most dangerous part is neither of you will know you are fighting to the (ego) death. Foreshadowing: the only way to win is not to play.
On the other hand, with Saturn in Virgo, it might be that these issues of order and control not to mention an actual Virgin right in your cosmic space– will come up in another form for you to confront.
Thanks to each of you who wrote. I truly appreicate the support. I have asked myself many times whether or not these issues are enough to break our relationship. And somehow, each time, we manage to get through it. I’m just smart enough now to know it’s a temporary reprieve. I’m also lucky that the other parts of my relationship with my fiance are so good. And, to address Elsa’s comment about staving off the marriage, my fiance and I both agree that there’s no way we can get married until we both feel these issues are under control. And to address Goddess’ comment, we are now seeing a therapist to work on these issues. The sessions can be incredibly frustrating, but I’m not one to walk away from an otherwise great relationship. To Eva, I had to laugh at your comment that the “battle hasn’t even begun.” For years, my fiance would be amazed at his daughter’s behavior, and I’d say, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. And he’d say, “you mean it gets worse than this?” We’ve had that conversation several times in the past couple years. I tell him that new wonders await him around the next corner, but he won’t grasp what that means - until it’s staring him right in the face.
Thanks again for the support and input. Much appreciated!
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I agree with Elsa. You have to decide if you really want to stick with a situation that has a good chance of not changing.
I was in a similar situation with my fiance and his lack of boundaries/discipline with his kids, and I boiled it down to this for him: He does not have to raise his kids the same way I raise mine in our house, but they will respect me as an adult, just as mine respect him. That means not being rude, asking politely, treating me like a human being. Because for me, it was a deal breaker. I will not be bullied in my own house, dammit!! And I made sure to tell him that I love him, really love him, and I’m able to make concessions, but rude children aren’t one of them, and he has to meet me halfway.
By the end of our first visitation (they live out of state and we had them for over half the year), both of his kids had solid boundaries and were polite and well-mannered. It doesn’t have to be a complete 180 change, but it’s about respect. Does he want his kids treating the other adults in their lives — teachers, bus drivers, wait staff, etc. — like he’s letting them treat you? I would hope not!
Good luck!!