The soldier on the phone tonight:

“Let me read these titles to you so I can make sure you’re getting the right thing,” I said. “Because you’re right this gal does not speak much English and… well you know it’s confusing so just check this out.”

I read the titles of these obscure fight training dvds and he got all happy. “Yeah, those are them.” He told me the history of this kind of fighting. ‘ am getting a little rusty and I want to brush up on this stuff.”

“Okay.”

“Except I don’t know where I’m going to do it, though. I am not sure where I can practice because anyone sees me doing this they’re going to want to fight. They’ll say what are you? Some kind of expert? And I’ll say, I am the hairy bastard that is going to kick your ass,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. And then I will probably get in a fight and get my ass kicked.”

“You will?”

“Yeah. Because I am slow, old, blind and fat,” he said.

“You are?”

“Yes and I’m lovesick. Yep, I’m lovesick too and none of this is good for fighting. I am like an old rhino. I have to walk away from the pack now. I can’t be with them, I am too old.”