A week ago, I was talking to the soldier on the phone with my son hanging out. My son is very keen to know how to get a woman to be in love with him and picked up a card the soldier had sent me.

“He’s reading your love poem,” I said.

“Oh yeah? Does he like it? What’s he think of my poem?” he asked.

My son pointed to something he’d drawn on the card with a questioning look on his face. ‘Well I’m sure he likes it. That was a pretty good poem but neither one of us understands the drawing you made. What is that a picture of? We can’t figure it out.”

Oh, well that’s a rhino. It’s a rhino with a bird on it’s head,” he said. “Me with a bird.”

(swearing after the break)

I laughed. “I see. I have birds flying around my head and you have birds on your head. Okay then. Well we do like the card so thanks for sending it and next time you draw a rhino, I’ll know what it is.”

Then over the weekend, I sat down at my computer to put you guys up a blog most likely and there is a little sketch laying there.

“What is this?” I asked. It was a rhino head with a line coming up off its nose with a circle on top the line.

“Oh, that’s a picture of me,” he said. “That’s me all right. I used to be a rhino… a regular bad ass rhino but now that you’re here I’m a rhino with a balloon tied to my nose.”

“Whaaaaat?”

“A balloon. I said there’s a balloon, a helium balloon tied right to my nose. That’s a picture of how I look now, thanks to you and everyone who sees me is going to laugh at me.”

“What the hell are you talking about? You’re saying I turned you into a cartoon rhino? How?”

“By making me apologize to that motherfucker,” he said. “That motherfucker who deserved no apology! None! No fucking apology was deserved whatsoever,” he said with his voice raised.

“What? I didn’t make you apologize. How am I going to make you apologize?”

“Okay, well you didn’t make me but I did apologize to that cocksucker because of you and I never would have if not for you. If I say SCREW YOU then I mean SCREW YOU and I am not fuckin’ sorry about it, ever.”

I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. “Well I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said I thought you should apologize but you didn’t have to do it. I had no idea it was going to bother you so much or I’d have never said anything. It’s not like I care if you apologize or not. It makes no difference to me.”

“Well I did apologize and it does bother me so much. I don’t want to be running around apologizing my whole life. Even if I owe you an apology you’re not that likely to get it,” he said defiantly. “So what if I owe you an apology? Fuck you and your apology! How about you kiss my ass instead! You’re not getting any apology out of me… right up until P comes along! P comes along and all the sudden I’ve got to be polite. P says I’ve got to learn to be civilized.”

I snorted. “I never said anything like that in my life. You really don’t like all this love and relationship stuff do you?”

“Yeah, I like it. I love all this love stuff. I want to have a relationship with you. I love the hell out of you I just don’t want to have a fuckin’ balloon on my nose. I guess I’ll punch someone and then have to apologize to the motherfucker I just punched. BAM! Uh oh, P’s here. Better apologize to this guy! Here, motherfucker. I just punched you but now I’m going to help you up and apologize for it. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can stand it, P,” he said, up on his toes all excited.

And he went on and on but by then I was rolling on the bed laughing with tears.

Thing is, he’s serious about all this. Mars does not apologize. Got that? Punch you, walk away, go find the next nose to punch.”  Mars / Aries 101.