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For Zavela From My 8th House
Astrology in real life…
Zavela writes poignantly about her father:
Could it be the Saturn in Virgo that made me to realize that I am a sinner? My father didn’t deserve to be rejected but it is too late to hug him and let him know my feelings.
I decided to write about my experience for I believe there are many people who are too proud to forgive their parent’s mistakes. But, were they really mistaken? Do we speak with our parents from the bottom of our hearts? And if we do, do we understand their hearts?
The hunt after career and to provide good living to my children became such priority of my life that I forgot my father, my brothers and my childhood. This year has brought to me, I must say, weird experiences which brought back memories from my childhood. That led me to do research on my family background. I found out that my father was Jewish. He never told me, he never told anybody. Why? I will never know. There was WWII….. I never met his family, he never spoke about his family and I never asked. It is too late now. He died last summer and my mother died when I was 10. Until a few weeks ago I didn’t realize what a selfish ignorant I am.
(((Zavela))) I am very sorry for your pain.
First, I hope you are not too awful hard on yourself for too long. Virtually everyone pulls away and “abandons” their parents in order to establish themselves as an adult. It is a normal part growing up and as parents we know this, because we did it to our parents.
We also know if our children are not aware of us in the moment or if they are supposedly neglecting us, they will become very aware later on and we love them so much they already and always forgiven without even needing to ask.
Last, we know it will be enormously painful for our children when we pass. We know this even if they do not and I can pretty much guarantee your father’s deepest desire is that you live happy and free. What else could he possibly want?
It is true you can’t hug your father or ask him about the war and other things, firsthand. However, it is also true that pieces of these things will find their way to you for the rest of your life… in affect, your father will be talking to you in this way. He will always be with you because you are part of him and he is part of you and nobody and nothing (even death) changes that even one iota.
I hope you will forgive yourself. I am sure he already has. Much love.
2 Responses to “For Zavela From My 8th House”
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That is such a beautiful answer, Elsa. Reading Zavela’s post and your reply brought tears to my eyes. Zavela, you are certainly not alone in your feelings of grief and the wish that you could go back and do things differently. The 10-year anniversary of my father’s death is coming up and he’s very much on my mind and in my dreams. I grieved terribly too, for reasons similar to yours. Unquestionably this changed how I treat other people. I’m much kinder and more patient and unconditionally loving as a result. No doubt you will be too, because of your loss. Think of the kindness and love you’re going to bring to others now. This is a great way to honor your father. So, he is really is living on through your good works. Best wishes to you.
One more thought, Zavela. I don’t know much about Jewish traditions, but I did read that leaving a good legacy is one of their highest aspirations…that their “afterlife” consists (at least in part) in what they leave behind. If you can speak with others now from the bottom of your heart, he has left a beautiful legacy to the world.