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Gay Man In Love With Gay Man Who Is Heterosexual? Leo Sun, Moon, Rising
Dear Elsa,
I am a divorced father who came out of the closet about 2 years ago. Over the past year, a co-worker who is about 10 years younger quickly became my best friend and moved in with me. We had sexual encounters almost immediately upon getting to know each other well and I soon developed very strong feelings for him.
We have been there for each other during some very difficult times and we have had some very passionate sex, the most passionate I’ve ever had. He has told me that he loves me, but like a brother. He told me not to fall in love with him because he isn’t gay. Now if I even look at him, he thinks it’s sexual and gets very upset. Admittedly, I want him more than anything in the world, and I am fairly convinced that he is gay and just can’t accept it yet - after all, it took me over a decade.
My parents think he’s gay, and all of my friends agree. Even casual acquaintances have asked both of us if we’re a couple. He tells me that he wants me in his life forever, even to the point of talking about me living with him and a wife in the future. At times he’s indicated that he wanted the sexual nature of our relationship to continue, at other times he says he regrets it ever happened. My mom tells me to be patient; she thinks he will come around. Some of my friends say move on. We even were ‘boyfriends’ (his idea) for about a week once, then he suddenly declared that it was too much for him.
I feel very confused and feel like he’s sending me very mixed messages. I would have never thought that I would be this confused at nearly 33 years old. I love him with all of my heart and soul. I have been more open and intimate with him than anyone ever in my life. I want him in my life forever in whatever capacity possible. However, it’s painful to think that I’m going to be around him forever and have this unrequited love.
I’m really unsure how to approach this situation. I don’t want to be hurt, I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to lose him. All of the potential solutions just seem so much easier said than done. Please give me some advice.
Gay Man
United States
Dear Man,
I tend to agree with your mother and think that you know everything there is to know about your situation - except how to feel okay with it “as is”, and on that I have some ideas.
Love is love, it does not go away. And it seems pretty obvious you really love this man, so I would discard the advice of your friends who suggest you abandon him. Why in the world would you do that? Are you really writhing around all that much? He lives with you!
I’ll tell you what the problem is here. You’re a triple Leo. That means you lack the attributes of the sign opposite (Aquarius), and if you cultivate Aquarian qualities it will go a long way towards solving your problem. Number one thing to develop? Detachment!
And you are almost there. You get this intellectually so you only need try to focus on that. Get in your head (Aquarius) and stop with the hurting (Leo) heart. I think you can do this pretty readily, just keep the COLD FACTS in mind…
Heterosexual men do not have passionate sex with other men.
It is hard for many to accept homosexuality, especially their own.
Etc.
Also, give this man SPACE. Space is another Aquarian concept and I’m thinking that if you detach and give this man some room, he’s very likely to come clawing for you. And how did I figure that? With my head, not my heart.
I can’t stress this enough. You’ve got too much Leo. Study Aquarius and incorporate what you learn and you will see all your relationships and your life in general improve dramatically.
Good luck.
~~
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Yikes. Unrequited love is not fun… I’ve had more than my share of experience in that area. First off, your friend is young and seems like he has a lot to figure out about himself. As you’ve mentioned, it took you time to accept your sexuality and may take him a while too.
I’m with Elsa in that I agree that you need to step back and give him some space. From experience I know that the harder you pull on someone, the more they tend to push you away. I don’t know if he’ll come to you in the way you want. At the end of the day, I’ve come to believe that if you truly love someone, you’ve be willing to give them the freedom to choose what they want and need. If you can let him know that you’re giving him his space out of true concern for him, rather than anger or passive aggressiveness, you won’t lose him. You’ll give your relationship the room to develop to grow in whatever way is best for you both.
Dear Gay Man,I read your letter,it’s beautiful.Listen,love makes a mess of your life.It’s just the way it is.It comes to transform you and make you question everything until you surrender to it’s power.Be grateful.Allow your heart the capacity to accept love in all it’s forms.Oh,and do what Elsa says too.
Dear Gay Man,
I feel truly sorry for you, I know exactly what you are going through. I had an experience similar to yours last summer. I was at a party and a man approached me and asked me if I want to dance. I said yes but I was a bit surprised because this guy looked really masculine (in other words he didin’t look like the stereotypical gay man). I was even more surprised when he asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him. I found out that he was twelve years older than me but for me age gaps have never mattered.In time our relationship got serious and I was so happy that I had fallen in love with the perfect guy. After several months he admitted that he wasn’t gay and that he was heterosexual and that he was just experimenting on me in order to see how it is to have a homosexual relationship. Despite this shocking confession he insisted to continue our realtionship, but I said no. Though I am very mad at him and I don’t love him anymore, sometimes, when I have problems in my life, I think of going back to him in order to feel protected. My email adress is
lyriclex@yahoo.com
you can write to me and perhaps we can talk about our experiences more,after all we both seem to be envolved with someone who’s not exactly gay and has mixed feelings for us. Who knows maybe we will find comfort in each other.