Open Question: Her Depressed Boyfriend Is Confused And Does Not Want To Marry - She Is Heartbroken

17 Responses to “Open Question: Her Depressed Boyfriend Is Confused And Does Not Want To Marry - She Is Heartbroken”

1. Melody says on 6/27/07 at 7:30 pm:
   

   My question is this chart of the man or woman, and is it possible to get both charts?

2. Elsa says on 6/27/07 at 7:37 pm:
   

   Oh sorry, Melody. I assumed this was a woman but I don’t know for sure and I don’t know if I can get the other data. This just came in and I posted it. Mailed back to say I posted it so if she (he) shows up then we’ll have more information.

3. seekingzen says on 6/27/07 at 8:15 pm:
   

   Only semi-astro related; more based on my own experiences than anything…

   If her(?) man feels like he isn’t good enough for anyone, then he needs some serious therapy before they decide whether or not to marry. He’s admitted he’s depressed. He’s got no family and “no real positive relationship figure to look up to”. That’s not a man who is in a position to KNOW whether he wants to get married. It’s not necessarily anything to do with her or their relationship, either. He’s got something going on inside and it sounds like it’s messing with him pretty badly.

   Now, she’s 27? And is that Saturn in Virgo I see? So her Saturn return is coming up, right? I think it would be a good time to wait and see what happens. See if the man will go to counseling and get his head sorted out, for one.

   When/If he gets himself straightened out, she should have had time to figure out what her priorities are. Does she REALLY want/need to get married, or is it that societal/family pressure of “I’m heading for 30 and I’m not married yet! Oh noes!!” that’s playing with her? And if she truly does want to be married, is she wanting to marry this man because he’s the love of her life and their relationship is loving, considerate, and supportive or because they’ve been together for so long and she doesn’t want to feel like she wasted the time?

   I was engaged when my Saturn return started. I had a child with the man, we’d been together for some time… It seemed like it was time. I loved him madly, though the relationship was not healthy. Hell, neither of us were healthy on our own and together we were a nightmare. But I thought it was time for us to get married. I stuck around, watched and waited… About mid-way through Saturn return I realized he wasn’t the one. Still loved him. Still wanted to be with him. But reality set in and I realized that love is never enough of a base to build a lifetime upon.

   Good luck to you, hon. My advice is to wait and see what happens while encouraging him to see a therapist. You might want to see one yourself, if only to have someone to talk to about what it is you truly want and need out of life.

4. chameleon says on 6/28/07 at 1:22 am:
   

   Hmmm…just quickly looking at this chart which I assume is hers, it’s not perhaps surprising that she has attracted a depressed, emotional (they cry together) type of man. She’s a Pisces with Virgo ascendant plus Saturn in the first house, which to me says emotional, self-effacing and insecure. Her 7th house cusp is Pisces so she’s drawn to Pisces men and he certainly sounds like he has some Pisces or maybe Cancer influence. Furthermore, chart ruler Mercury is in Pisces in the 7th house and it looks like the Sun is there, too (on the cusp of 7th/8th). So sensitivity and emotions color her perception not only of herself but of relationships. Mars and North Node are in 12th so that suggests even more of a Pisces influence. Near-paralysis by emotions here. Venus in Taurus in the 9th suggests however a possibility of a practical approach focused on broadening the horizons and a different philosophy, hence I suppose the turn to astrology for an answer.

   Now what to do? I can’t see the aspects very well but I would examine them closely to see where there is tension and where that tension could be relieved, and of course look at their composite and synastry charts to see the interactions..

5. Piya says on 6/28/07 at 2:26 am:
   

   seekingzen had some wonderful advice. I have nothing to add except to say “Yeah, what they said.”

6. Nia says on 6/28/07 at 2:52 am:
   

   I assume the chart above is the girl’s, and if so I can see how with a Venus in Taurus, Moon in Libra and 7th/8th house sun issues of partnership and intimacy are important. It would be however, termendously useful to see the chart of the guy in question and so have a better idea of what the two offer each other.

   But with Pluto conjunct Moon and the Sun with one foot in the 8th it raises the question in my mind of whether there are also issues of control here, and whether the marriage is important because it’s a form of security the second house moon is seeking. The thing is though - other people cannot be controlled, and marriages aren’t secure. The assumption (if it’s playing a part) that marriage makes someone more catchable and more likely to stay with you is wrong, because often people are never lonelier than when they get married. People lie. Even if someone promises they will love you forever they will not necessarily be qualified to fulfill their promise. They may have simply been making a statement of their best intentions, not their actual abilities and whether that vow got sworn in front of people or just in the privacy of your own mind makes no difference. People who will cheat will cheat, married or no. People who will leave you will do the same regardless of what ties you made. And people who will stay with you will do that regardless of whether you are wearing matching rings.

   I’m not saying marriage is a wrong thing to want. BUt it can be a dangerous thing to want if you want it for the marriage itself (because for whatever reason social?religious? familiar? reasons you want to do it) rather than because you think the person you are with is the love of your life and you think marriage is the highest and best expression of yourself.

   But even if it is, if the other person is for whatever reason not ready or not agreeing with your vision it’s not right ever to frogmarch them into it. You’ve got a Venus-Uranus opposition in your chart which suggests someone who may have issues with getting tied down although I’m guessing that might be a part of yourself that gets disowned and given to other people to act out.

   With Pluto linking to both the Moon and Sun, and the Venus in Tarus I don’t doubt that intimacy is important. But someone with your Sun/Moon placements and aspects knows without a doubt when someone is intimate with them. You know that if someone is really with you in the way that they touch you, in the way they give you their attention. And if someone is not with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you. They may be loving you with all their capability but it may be in a differen way from yours. Someone with a 12th house moon doesn’t necessarily know how to access their feelings and may be nebulous. Someone who has been hurt and depressed and suffered losses may equally well be protecting themselves by hiding.

   I suffered huge losses as a child and if affects evrything about me and my relationships to this day. My husband knows that I can’t visualise a future with him (or anyone), that I cannot promise I will be here a year from now, or allow myself to see us lasting forever. Because if I do that then it becomes too frightening. What if he dissappears? What if something happens? The loss would crush me. So I just don’t go there. Instead the promises we make are simple and get renewed every day. They say “We are lasting this day, and I’ll be here tomorrow”.

   He understands this and doesn’t take it personally, in the same way that I understand life-induced quirks about him.

   A Saturn return - into which you are a heading- is an excellent opportunity to revisit where you are in your life and what you want out of it, so these questions you are having come at an excellent time. By all means follow your heart and do what is right for you, but just be careful that you don’t chuck out a good thing because it doesn’t match your expectations.

   Marriage means different things to everyone, but I’m very curious about what it means to you. What do you think will be different if you got married? What do you think marriage would give you?

   Either way, all the best and good luck.

7. Jules says on 6/28/07 at 4:03 am:
   

   Hi,
   I am the one who posted the above letter.
   I am an Aries, actually, with my rising sign in Virgo. He is a Libra. I’m 27 and he’s 25 (turning 26 later this year).
   Our relationship is very loving - we have supported each other through some very hard times, and lately he has been very depressed. I pushed the topic of marriage a few times and I think he got scared and doesn’t know what to do. I think that he may want some space.
   We’re gonna talk today about our problems, and any advice would be appreciated. I’ve never loved anyone like him before, and I want to work this out. I know he needs to sort out his problems, and I will help him every step of the way.
   Thanks for your advice so far. I appreciate the time you’ve all taken to help me out.

8. Maddalena says on 6/28/07 at 7:03 am:
   

   Hi Jules,
   I’m assuming you’re a man - which makes a difference in the advice, because the depression of your boyfriend may be due to not completely accepting his homosexuality. If this is the case, you should definitely not pressure him into marriage: he must have space to sort himself out first.
   I do heliocentric interpretations and I converted the geocentric chart to the heliocentric one.
   The first thing I noticed in your helio chart was Venus (relationships) at 24° Leo, which is in the process of having a Saturn transit. This is a reality check that is especially difficult for Leo. You may be a little overbearing and dominating in relationships and Saturn (in the form of your boyfriend’s depression and distance)is setting limits. If you go with Saturn, rather than against it, you will find what is essential (Saturn)in a relationship, as opposed to status or form (Leo). The main advice is to completely avoid any drama when talking to your boyfriend and instead of talking about what *you* want (Leo) let your boyfriend know you’re giving him time and space to find himself.
   Your Venus is actually caught up in the transiting Saturn-Neptune opposition. You may have been deluding yourself about your relationship. Be prepared for a different reality than what you thought was there.
   One last thing: your helio Mercury (your mind) is in Sagittarius: this coupled with a Venus in Leo makes you very optimistic and idealistic (’we will overcome all obstacles’ attitude). Not all people are like that, your boyfriend especially sounds much less confident than you are and appears to be afraid, whereas you are fearless.
   If you really love him, give him space and freedom to decide what he wants.
   As for you, in twelve months an important event will occur, when Saturn transits over your Jupiter. If you understand and accept the Saturn energy and the quest for essentiality, you might even marry next year. Warm wishes, Maddalena

9. kashmiri says on 6/28/07 at 7:10 am:
   

   I’m not sure why we’re assuming Jules is a man? Because of the name? Jules is a common nickname of Julie or Julia…

10. Jules says on 6/28/07 at 7:33 am:
    

    I am a female.

11. Melody says on 6/28/07 at 8:47 am:
    

    Hi Jules - This is obviously a tough situation - and also, as you can see, when asking for astrological advice (vs. plain good old fashioned common sense advice) - there are many variables that are carefully taken into consideration. You have an interesting chart with the retrograde planets in the twelfth house and an emphasis on Taurean security with Pluto in the second house and both Venus and Chiron in Taurus. All tied up in relationship with your Sun in the seventh and the Libra influence in general (including your potent Moon / Pluto). So there seems to be an underlying theme of finding your sense of personal security from within so that you can enter into relationships on completely equal terms, being there without any dependent needs at all and likewise the other being there simply because they want to and not because there is any need to. Your Aries Sun in the 7th will want to push forward but the Mars/North Node/ Jupiter retrograde in the 12th is the general energy of think carefully, don’t rush into anything, while at the same time trusting that the universe will take care of the details if the situation is right and meant to be.

    This is just from your end, and the problems are equally his with the depression / ambivalence, so without his information, really nothing can be said about the relationship itself or the dynamics between the two of you.

12. Maddalena says on 6/28/07 at 1:08 pm:
    

    Hi! Ok, so you’re female
    This makes things a little more complicated. I had erroneously assumed there must have been an issue with social acceptance which would have explained your partner’s reluctance. But as this is not the case, either he really has a problem with himself or… it is more personal to you. What I mean is, when he says he’s not good enough for anybody, this might mean he feels he’s not good enough for you. In other words, he has an issue mainly with you. Could this be the case? If so, I would venture to say that a Venus in heliocentric Leo has very high expectations and it could be your boyfriend is scared of a serious commitment to you. The advice is the same: no drama, just let him have his space. And you can use the time apart to think about what you really need in a relationship as opposed to what you think is right (such as marriage right now). You’re both young anyway, why hurry into marriage? I’m so sorry you’re heartbroken, but things will be very different in a year’s time, if you go witht the ‘Saturnian flow’. Wish you the very best.

13. liz says on 6/28/07 at 2:05 pm:
    

    I’m thinking uranus transiting the 7th house..It won’t be the time to marry until uranus finishes messing with you. Either you or your partner will bounce around doing unexpected things, one day it “feels right” the next day it doesn’t. Let it be and find it’s own flow.
    I have uranus transiting my 5th right now and my dating life is all over the map.

14. june says on 6/28/07 at 7:09 pm:
    

    Without reading into any astrology, it sounds to me like when someone tries to seperate and doesn’t feel inclined to marry, they want space. My guess is that he feels pressured, even if you don’t think you’re putting that kind of thing out there to him.

    Jupiter has been hovering over your IC/4th house cusp for a while. Uranus entered your 7th last year. You’re about to have a saturn return, though saturn will conjunct your mars and square your venus/uranus first… Prepare to revolutionalize your love life & living situation very, very soon. Something’s going to change, whether it means a break up of this relationship so you can forcedly move on or, alternatively, taking on a new approach to your current relationship and your perspective of how relationships work in general. How can you plan on forever in the midst of change? So, give it time. Take things day by day for a few months, work with what you’ve got right now.

15. Jules says on 6/28/07 at 7:11 pm:
    

    Thank you so much for all your help.
    I’ve asked many people for help with this (considering that I was so torn up about what had happened). It seems that I have received the most accurate and realistic advice from the readers here.
    We hung out today, and we are staying together, because he wants me in his life and he is going to seek help for his illness. He wants me to be with him as he recovers.
    I’m so grateful for everything. Thanks again.

16. seekingzen says on 6/29/07 at 10:23 am:
    

    Good luck, Jules! And hard as it may be (I’m Aries too), try to be patient. There’s no deadline for getting married!

17. paulo says on 10/13/07 at 3:01 am:
    

    I would tell you that this is a person who is trying to come to turns with their past. If you do not ask nor insist, he will marry you.

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