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Pregnant 23 Year Old On A Path To Single Motherhood: Saturn Transit
Dear Elsa,
I’m on a path to be a single mother. I met the father of my child in a casual matter and we were nothing more then friends. After I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to refrain from sleeping with other men… but he continued to see other women behind my back and lie to me about it. When I called him on this, he would say we are only friends so why does it matter? So I said okay it’s fine; I just want honesty, and if you just want to be friends then let me see other people.
This went on for a few weeks. Every week he would change his mind and tell me not to see anyone else then convince me to have sex with him and then treat me like it didn’t happen the next day. He wants to be a part of this child’s life, and is extremely excited about having a kid. However he continually tells me he wishes it wasn’t with me. I am the blue collar business type and he is the raver party type. I want him to be a part of his child’s life because I think it is his right, but I want him to make some changes in his life so the child isn’t exposed to his lifestyle. When I ask him to make changes he snaps on me and tells me I’m trying to control him. Mind you, the changes I ask for consist of stopping illegal behavior and getting a drivers license.
On top of that, when we met we both knew I was only in town a few months and I would be moving several states away to start a new career. He wants me to give up my career to live near him because he cannot afford to move where I am. I can’t see this being healthy for me, especially since I have no support channel here. And he has no desire to be with me, and I have no desire to be with him.
How do I let him be a part of his child’s life without sacrificing my life? I am so emotionally torn on this situation. He doesn’t believe he should have to do anything for me during the pregnancy. He thinks it will only matter once the baby is born. But I need someone here for me now and I feel isolated. If you can offer any advice at all, thank you.
Pregnant
USA
Dear Pregnant,
I am sorry you have such a hard road ahead and I will try to help. First, I would not even think about relocating. This guy is not grown up or realistic but you are going to have to be because you have the baby. And you have a Saturn transit and what you need is a plan, so I will give you one.
First step is to forget about him for the moment, and to draw some lines around what you are and are not going to do. You want to mark out some territory, so you have some sort of safe space for the baby to be born into.
First, you are not going to move. Say it once, you don’t need to discuss it.
Second, you should not be around people who tell you they are sorry your baby is in your body. So if this guy does not have the sense not to say things like that, I would recommend you cut off contact and tell him you will call him when the baby is born.
This will require you facing the fact you are having this baby alone, which is going to hurt. However, you are having this baby alone unless this guy turns into a man and you know what? He may. But when and if this happens is out of your control, and I surely wouldn’t expect it. Your job now is to become a parent so just think about this:
Think about standing holding your newborn baby in your arms, trying to argue with this guy over his driver’s license? Does that sound sane to you? It’s not. When your baby is born, you are going to be consumed taking care of an infant and you want your space as calm as possible. Your child deserves this. So right now, you don’t need to know or care if this guy has a driver’s license or not. It’s irrelevant. If he ever wants to take your baby in a car (in a car seat), then he will obviously need to get one but I hope you see my point.
You have a baby coming and you have to conserve your resources. Every mother does but this goes double and triple if you are going to be alone with a baby, so please…
Tell this guy you will call him when the baby is born and work these other things out. Take the space between now and then to quiet yourself and prepare for the birth. And don’t worry about this guy. The way he is acting, he comes LAST. He is the last consideration and if you disengage, I think you will begin to see this and find your way clear.
Don’t forget to do your research around collecting child support. Focus up and make some calls. You’re a mother now.
Much love and good luck.
~~
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9 Responses to “Pregnant 23 Year Old On A Path To Single Motherhood: Saturn Transit”
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I dont understand how staying would be the right thing to do? I mean isnt she not from the area? I would think it woul be best to go where she has her own support channel. But you are right the number one job she will have is being mom!
cosmic - I agree with you. She should stay where she is supported and it’s possible I misunderstood. It’s a little convoluted but judging from this:
“He wants me to give up my career to live near him because he cannot afford to move where I am….”
I decided he was asking her to move towards him and um… no.
It’s noble to want this child’s father in his/her life, but at what price, when the father is acting more like a child than an adult? I agree with Elsa. Take care of yourself and the baby. And make him pay child support. And get on WIC if it’s available where you are.
Elsa’s right, hon. I became a semi-single mom at 25 and to this day I wish I had cut the father loose and let the courts determine everything for me. Instead I spent 4 years trying to make it work, only to wind up in an abusive relationship with far less money than I started out with.
The baby is in your belly, so you take that child to wherever you need to be to make your life work. This guy isn’t going to do squat to take care of the child, so it’s up to you. Live your life, do your thing, and file every bit of paperwork you can to make sure your kid’s rights are protected. Generally, you won’t need a lawyer for it… Child support laws are heavily protective of custodial parents these days, so make sure to name him as the father and send the government after him. If he wants to see the baby, that’s on him, not you. Also, child support CANNOT be tied to visitation, so even if he doesn’t want to see the baby, he’s still liable for support.
And honey? Take the money, if only to put it into savings for the baby’s future. A lot of women don’t want to file for support b/c they want to loser man gone. You and that child are entitled to it, and someday you may need it.
BTW… He can be held partially responsible for medical bills incurred during your pregnancy, the birth, and the post-partum. Keep track of everything.
seekingzen - thanks for batting clean up. Nicely done.
Well, honestly, this is the typical woman who can’t afford her child, yet decides to sleep around like they have no idea they could get pregnant…then they turn around to the it takes two bit…He was a loser when you slept with him and if your child has a loser dad, it’s because of you…
With that said, YOUR child deserves support for the basic necessities of life which every other parent has for their child…YOU DO NOT deserve any support for your stupidity…sorry…
I suggest you stay where you are and take care of your son…don’t even attempt to keep that kid away from his dad without a justified cause because at the end, he will resent you for it. Hope that it is a girl and your chances are a bit better…if it’s a boy and he doesn’t have his dad around because you wanted to FIX dad, or you think YOU deserve more financial support, you will be sorry at the end…and ONLY your son will suffer…
Actually, whatamess, if you read her letter you would’ve noticed that she is a ‘bluecollar business type.’ This hardly makes her a “typical woman who can’t afford her child.’
Your comments, on the other hand, are typical of judgemental and rude people people who kick people when they are down and then say ’sorry.’
Thank you for your advice and support. It is good to hear some re-enforcement on this. I have never had to make these kind of decisons. Just to clarify somethings i left out. The father is a nice guy, with semi-good intentions he is just going different directions in his life. I know it sounds bad to want someone to change but the changes i ask for like i stated the drivers license, and illegal activies make it hard for me to want to trust him with a child. I know it is just as much my mistake as it is his..but this was an accident even though i never want to think of it this way. I have to move that part is not even in question. Its how to include someone in thier own childs life who claims to desperatly want to be included but only after birth and they want it on their terms. Since this message we have decided to sit down and have a talk about child support and i have informed him that anything from this point will be from a legal perspective and we are going to come to a resonable amount on our own because finacially he cannot afford this and i understand. I orgianlly was not going to ask for anything and i was going to do this on my own, but after he continuously stated that he wants visitation and possibly partial custody i decided it might be best to go the laywer route. I am only 12weeks pregant and i feel like this is a battle.
I do appriciate the advice. I dont know anyone with kids who can give me advice. I am very new at this.
Elsa ~ De nada! Been dealing with a lot of these issues lately, either my own or friends’ troubles.
pregnant ~ Ignore whatamess completely. If you already read that, do your best to delete it from your memory. The baby brain ought to help.
Absolutely lawyer up if this is feeling like too much to handle. No pregnant woman needs that stress, especially a first-time mom who probably wasn’t fully prepared/informed for the hormanal crazies. You have to put yourself first right now because you are the baby’s world right now. It might feel selfish, but trust me… I’m 17.5 weeks with my 2nd child and the best thing you can do for your child is to be a little selfish.