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Single Mother - The Father Of Her Baby Lives With His Girlfriend And Hides This Situation: Double Virgo
Dear Elsa,
I need to know how to let go of a unhealthy relationship with my 4 month old baby’s father. He lives with another woman. Since my daughter has been born, her dad only seen her five times. I’m tired of the empty promises he makes - and what’s really sad is that he now he’s been very distant lately. It’s because he doesn’t want his girlfriend to find about our daughter. How can you hide your own flesh and blood because you cheated on your girlfriend because you were unhappy in his relationship?
Sometimes I feel like I have to force his hand to be a part of her life. I feel like changing my phone numbers and going somewhere where he can’t hurt us anymore. I thought that we were very good for each other. Both our birthdays are one day apart . We started off good - not rushing into anything - it was about six months into the relationship before we became intimate with each other.
I’m hurt because I thought I was being real careful in this relationship. When I became pregnant he was happy, but now that she’s here, he wants to keep her a secret. When I call him about the baby he doesn’t answer the phone; he only comes by when he’s mad at the girlfriend. I need help around what to do, and how too.
Lonely Virgo
United States
Dear Virgo,
You sound tired and I’m not surprised considering you are alone with a 4 month old baby. I think it may help if you can draw some lines, so this is the tack I am going to take.
First there’s a line between the past which you can do nothing about, and the future which you can affect. Based on this, I would recommend you focus forward, because you have no energy to waste or even to spare. What is done is done. You have a baby, this man is the father and you go from here - because you have no choice.
There’s another line between you and him. How he can not tell his girlfriend that he has a child is none of your business. And this is good, because it means you don’t have to worry about it. The fact is that people do all kinds of strange, unfathomable things and it is not your job to figure out why. Further, what other people do is completely outside of your control. So on that note, you cannot force this man’s hand so this is another thing you can quit thinking about. How do you force someone to be a parent, anyway? You don’t. But there are some things you can do.
You can arrange for him to pay child support if you haven’t already. If you sleep with him when he comes over angry at his girlfriend, you can stop that as well because I can’t imagine it’s good for you.
What would serve you and your daughter best is for you to focus on building a strong base for the two of you. Because obviously her father is a flake. Will he always be a flake? We don’t know. But I would suggest you assume he will, and that all energy you spend focused on him will result in a loss.
Think of it like a slot machine in Vegas. You dumped your money in and nothing came out. How long are you going to stay in this casino? How long are you going to keep dumping money into that same machine, thinking it’s going to pay out?
I say cut our losses. This man is not concerned with you or your daughter’s welfare and it’s your job to surround yourself with people who are. So how about get busy doing that and to hell with this guy. But get the child support. Call for help… it’s there. You are in the US and virtually every state will pursue these resources for you. You only need give them his name.
Good luck.
~~
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3 Responses to “Single Mother - The Father Of Her Baby Lives With His Girlfriend And Hides This Situation: Double Virgo”
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What you’re going through must be very difficult and you seem to have a big heart. I hope you’re able to take your “energy” off this man because i’ve a hunch you’ve what it takes to “make your own success” in life. Best wishes
Calling the father a flake is one thing, but let me start out by saying that there are two people to blame here…Don’t call the father a flake, when you yourself went and slept with someone who already had a committed relationship to another person…That was your mistake as well. Even more so, knowing that you could get pregnant, you brought this child into the world with all the emotional baggage that only you are responsible for. The father is acting immature, at least, however, it does take two…and before you started sleeping with someone who was already committed, you should’ve thought about the consequences of having a child with him.
With that said, just because he is your daughter’s father, does not give you the right to sleep with someone else’s spouse/boyfriend…the problem here is that somehow you looked past the fact that he was cheating on someone, believing that you were better than her and he would leave her…unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way, and now you are angry at him.
If you want to make ammends, I suggest you move on with your life and make the best of what you have caused…and take care of your child…instead of attempting to fulfill your emotional needs by continuing to sleep with someone who is already unavailable.
Yep, ditch the creep, leave other women’s men alone, file for child support, and consider some serious counseling. There’s gotta be a reason why you started up with a guy already in a relationship, not to mention trying so hard to someone who obviously doesn’t care about you very much. He only comes around when he’s mad at his girlfriend? Pffffft. Honey, he’s using you. Drop him, he’s bad news.