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She Caught Her Boyfriend With the Remnants Of Child Porn On His Computer: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon
Dear Elsa,
I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. Before we even got serious, I knew he looked at porn. Even now it bothers me when he looks at porn, but I have dealt with it. I look at it too, every once in a while. No big deal.
For a while he was using my old computer. We had an agreement that he would no longer look at, even though he would continue to do so thinking he covered it up. I could always see what he looked at, and yes I did snoop a lot, after all if was my computer.
Anyways it was always typical porn a guy would look at, nothing bad or abnormal. Recently I was on his computer at his condo and stumbled across his recent documents. In there I saw names of files which he had downloaded from limewire. I couldn’t access them because he had deleted them. He thought he covered it up, but he forgot to delete the file names from the recent documents folder. The part that shocked me was the names of these files. There were several that were underage porn. The titles of some had 10yr old in it, up to 15yr old. I was very shocked and upset when I found this. I didn’t know what to think.
I have monitored his porn activity for the past 2 yrs and he has never looked at anything like this before. I know he is not some child molesting freak. I finally asked him about this. I asked him why he downloaded that stuff and he said he couldn’t help it, he was curious. I asked him if it did anything for him and he said no. He also said it was the first time he ever looked at anything like that and had no intention of doing it again.
I just don’t know what to think. Different thoughts go through my head. I think maybe he was just curious. I know people download strange things out of curiosity. He was very embarrassed when I asked him about this and didn’t wanna talk about it after a certain point of my questioning. I love him more than anything, but now I am questioning our relationship.
We generally have a good relationship, and he has never shown signs of being into anything like that. We have even had talks before of child molestation and both know the pain it causes as we were both molested as children. He has made it very clear his feelings about the subject being that it is wrong and disgusting. This is not like him at all. He didn’t deny downloading the stuff even though he has denied looking at regular porn when he was not aware I knew before. Is it possible he was just curious? Or do you think this is a problem?
Girlfriend
United States
Dear Girlfriend,
I don’t know if your boyfriend has a problem or not. I do think it’s possible a person could be curious… about anything. I think a person who has been molested may even be especially curious, and their curiosity just may get the best of them.
By that, I mean they may momentarily lose sight of the fact anything they look at or download exists because a child was exploited and while they’re at it: they may also ignore the fact that child porn is ILLEGAL.
So is it possible your boyfriend just wanted to see what was out there? It is. But does that mean you should not be questioning your relationship? No. I think you should be questioning your relationship. Because look…
You’re twenty years old! Do you really want to be “monitoring” this man’s porn consumption like this? I wonder because when I was 20 years old I was having all kinds of fun. I was having great times and look at you. Are you having fun? It sure doesn’t sound like it.
So these are the type questions you should be asking. Am I happy? Because I don’t think the other questions you have are answerable. Your boyfriend is obviously in the process of some kind of discovery. He may be exploring what happened to him, or he may be discovering he is pedophile himself. And for the record, that he told you he was not stimulated by what he saw means nothing as he is known to be a liar and how many people are going to admit something like that anyway?
So here’s the thing: I don’t think you are happy. It sounds as if your boyfriend’s porn usage drains and weighs on you and you’ve got ask yourself if the grass might not be greener… much greener, somewhere else.
So I would think about that, but also search your feelings around how you feel about the exploitation of children, seeing as you are an exploited child yourself. Because although he deleted the pictures… what will you do if you catch him again? Will you notify the police?
The parents of the kids in those pictures would probably appreciate that very much. And if it is the parents themselves taking the pictures? Well those parents belong in jail.
And how do you feel about turning a blind eye to this… to what you are already aware of? Because I imagine that one of the reasons this has come up in your life is to allow you to ask and then answer these questions for yourself.
And the astrology? You’re a Cancer and you are mothering this guy. You’re trying to control and keep him in line and I don’t know what to say besides it sounds like a bore. 20 years old? I say go get yourself a man who shows you a good time. The man you have now is more like job or a charge of yours. Ugh.
And one more thing. Your snooping? It sucks. I say change your life.
Good luck.
~~
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The ‘Am I happy?’ question is a very valuable and powerful one. I wish I had asked myself that question when I was 20. (I was not, and I let it drag on for seemingly ever). And I see many friends of mine with the same type of issues, some of us are a bit better at ‘getting this’ than others.
About the child porn - to be honest I think the chances of your boyfriend being interested in this stuff are very very slim, and he should get the benefit of the doubt. That said, you must indeed be asking yourself whether being involved in a relationships in which you feel you cannot trust him in these matters and you are worrying can be satisfying.
I have always been under the idea that if you have to parent your partner and his/her activities, you need to get out of the relationship. Girlfriend said that she’d dealt with his looking at porn, but if she had, then there wouldn’t be a reason to snoop. Curiosity is a powerful and irrational thing, not that it excuses him from downloading child porn, but I think the issues in this relationship run way deeper than that.
I think Elsa hit it on the head that she’s mothering him. She’s 20! She needs to be finding herself, working out the kinks in her own life, and living!!
‘Are you happy?’ should be seriously considered. Cos she doesn’t sound happy at all.
Porn again… what is it about women who feel compelled to be the porn police? Here’s the deal — the more you try to repress something, let alone another person, the more you add energy to it. As you try to hold it back, it must work even harder to find expression, and it always will. So aftter two years of “porn monitoring,” congratulations, you found something. I don’t condone child porn in the slightest, but ask yourself whether your boyfriend would have been interested even a little bit if he didn’t have you acting as the porn gestapo. I’m inclined to think that it wouldn’t have, but as Elsa suggested, there may be something deeper there that you might not know about.
I can’t tell you what you should think about your relationship — you’re going to have to make that decision on your own. That said, while you can try to blame this all on your boyfriend, you have to acknowledge your role in it all. People are going to do what they’re going to do and the more you try to control them the more problems you create.
You might be able to find some guy out there who never, ever, ever looks at porn, not even for a fraction of a second. He’s probably dead. If by some stroke of luck, there’s bound to be some other issue that you find that you don’t like. Such is the way of things. A big chunk of this is about you, as much as it is about him.
I would think that you both being in your early twenties there are things you are processing, dealing with and learning about…it’s all pretty exploratory sounding. Esp in regards to your histories…either way he has stuff to work out/on/against/for, etc. I would think you have other such stuff to work out/on/against/for, etc. Does it behoove you to do this together and healthily at that?
I would choose to focus on my own health and nourishment to be sure. And take action on whatever that meant to me and my personal happiness and growth. Where do you want to go ya know?