Mars (anger) Neptune (God) again…

“So I think that about God and I think some other things too,” he said. “Sometimes I think we got separated because we didn’t appreciate what we had. We didn’t value it highly enough. But then I wonder how we’re supposed to value it properly when we’re kids! See what I mean, P?”

“No, not really. I don’t think this stuff, you do. I think other stuff. What? You don’t think we appreciated each other?”

“Well no. I think we did appreciate each other, just not enough. But how could we have known? How are we supposed to know how good we have it when we’ve never had it bad.”

“Huh?”

“P, it just seems to me, it happened backwards. Why can’t they give you the bad relationships first so when you have a good one, you know it? Because look what happened to us. We had a great relationship when we were too young and dumb to recognize it. And if happened the other way around - if the bad relationships came first, you might understand what you had when you were in a good one. As it was, we didn’t know and we just threw it away.”

“I don’t feel that way,” I said.

“Well I do. I think we had it all and we just… we let it go! Maybe this is why God separated us. Do you think? Maybe we pissed him off by not appreciating what we had. And I don’t know about you but I think I was an idiot. I was an absolute idiot.”

“Idiot? I’m not an idiot. And no I don’t think we pissed off God. You think whatever you do but I don’t think God is mad at anyone. I would never think a thing like that. I don’t believe in a punitive God at all.”

“Okay, P, well either do I. But sometimes if you won’t learn something or if you don’t appreciate what you have, it gets taken from you.”

“Gotcha. I understand what you’re saying, I just don’t agree. No God or anyone else is taking anything from me because I don’t appreciate it! But that could be because I do appreciate it!” I stopped to think and to chuckle. “Yeah. I appreciate everything I get, enormously so maybe that’s why I don’t get these lessons from God. But anyway, go ahead. Tell me what you think.”

“Well I wanted to marry you for sure. You were who I wanted to marry, but when you said no, I just thought okay then. So she doesn’t want to marry me.”

I chuckled.

“My pride was hurt a little but I just figured, if you don’t want to marry me, then I guess I am going to have marry someone else. Because I wanted to be married for sure and I didn’t think it was going to make much difference either way.”

“What?”

“I’m saying I thought it was going to be the same with whoever I was with. I thought I would have the same thing with the next woman as I had with you.”

I laughed.

“Yeah. I actually thought that. I thought if one woman won’t marry you, then you just find another, marry her and it’ll all be fine. See? What an idiot. It’ll be exactly like what you just had, except with a different person.”

“You actually thought this?”

“Yes,” he said emphatically. “You loved me and I expected the next woman would love me too. Love me in the same way you did, that is. Same way and to the same degree! I guess I thought she’d be just like you except for she wouldn’t be you. I’d have the same sex. Same good kisses. Same fun. Same loyalty. Same, same, same everything all the way around.”

“Oh, brother.”

“You’re telling me. But I actually did think this. I didn’t know there was such a thing as chemistry, so this is exactly what I thought and I don’t know how I am supposed to know any different when the first relationship I ever had was so good. How am I supposed to know the next one won’t be as good? How am I supposed to know that love with different people is going to be different?”

“I don’t know. But I never thought anything like that. I was well aware I would never meet someone like you again. I thought you were spectacular and knew exactly what I was losing.”

“Well I thought I’d meet someone like you again, with basically no problem at all,” he said. “And when I found out it wasn’t going to happen it was the rude awakening of my lifetime.”

I laughed.

“Yeah, P. One day it hit me. You mean no one is ever going to love me like that again? You mean I will never have anything like that again? It was awful when it came to me. No more love, ever again. Not like, P, anyway. And I wound up going around the world, once for sure. I have probably been around it two times damned near and guess what?”

“What?”

“There is only one Elsa P!” he said. “There is not another one like you out there.”

I laughed. “I bet you’re right and we should probably thank our lucky stars for that.”

“Yeah, that was what I was thinking. I was thanking my lucky stars for being as stupid and as arrogant as I was when I left you. I mean how arrogant would I have had to be to walk away from you?”

“I don’t know. It never occurred to me I was a big deal. I thought you were way too good for me and you should walk away! So I just have no idea about this God being mad idea. I don’t understand that. It may be a Catholic problem for all I know. I do know I don’t have it.”

“You don’t have that problem? No problem with God?”

“No. I think I suck and that would be a problem I have. But I have no guilt about it! And I know I’m not arrogant. I’m definitely not arrogant and I also definitely never thought God was mad at me or punishing me. I just have no framework that would allow me to consider something like that for even a second and I’ sorry you do. So I would just say, I don’t agree. God was never punishing you. Why would God punish you for making a wise choice?”

“A wise choice? Leaving you was wise?”

“Yeah. Look. You had a destiny and you had to fulfill it. That means you have to get on the train. And if I won’t get on the train with you, just exactly what are you supposed to do?”

“Get on the train, anyway?”

“Yes! Of course you get on the train. Absolutely get on the train. Get on the train, or I’ll kick your ass!” I said. “Look. You did nothing wrong, you did exactly right. God is punishing you, my ass. God is not punishing you. I think that’s ridiculous.”

“Well that’s good if he’s not. I’d prefer he’s not,” he said.

“And as far as being arrogant or you surely were. I don’t suppose it’s possible to be more arrogant than you were back then. So if you think that’s something you should feel bad about, then go ahead. I really don’t know if you should feel bad or not, in the first place. But at this juncture I would say you’ve suffered enough for ten people and I would stop. I would cease this kind of thinking immediately. I don’t think it’s productive for one thing. It does you no good in any way I can perceive.”

“I think you’re right, P. I think I am going to stop this… thinking like this. It really doesn’t help, does it?”

“No, hell no.”

“Okay. So I’ll try to come up with some new thinking, then. How about that?”

Skip to “Are You Still My Boyfriend?”

Do you think God gets mad and pays you back?