On the Mars Neptune theme, how about trying to figure out God’s motive?

“Yeah, I survived SF and I might not have had I been with you,” he said. “I probably would have gotten killed if you were my wife.”

“Really? Why do you think that?”

“Oh, because I’d have been distracted. One of the reasons I never got killed was because I was never distracted. I maintained focus at all times and I am not sure I’d have been able to do that if you were my wife.”

“Why? How am I going to distract you? I’m not there.”

“Yeah, but I’d have been worried about you. I’d have been worried about not getting home to you and that might have fucked me up. See, P, I have always thought that you and I were meant to be together. But obviously God thought otherwise and he’s going to know better than me. And I accept this but I have always wondered what he was thinking when he separated us and this is one of the things I’ve come up with.”

“That you’d be worried about me?”

“Yeah. I’d have been worried what would happen to you if I didn’t come home and I’m pretty sure that would have distracted me. Plus I’d have missed you and that would have distracted me for sure. And to be distracted in Special Forces is… you usually wind up dead. That’s the normal outcome of forgetting what you’re doing when you’re out there.”

“Okay, but weren’t you worried about getting home to your wife, anyway?”

“No, not really. I was a little worried maybe. But not that much. I never really worried about her.”

“Why not? You didn’t love her or something?”

“No, it wasn’t that. It had more to do with how she felt about me than how I felt about her.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you loved me, P. You were completely, totally, madly in love with me. And had I not come home to you, I think you’d have been devastated. You’d be crushed if I didn’t make it home. You loved me so much; I don’t know that you’d have been able to deal with the loss. It might have cracked you in two because of the kind of love you had for me. P, you were in love with me, completely/ Weren’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, that’s what I thought. And she didn’t have that kind of love for me. She just didn’t feel the way you did, P.”

“She didn’t love you?”

“Well, yeah. I don’t know. I guess she loved me. I mean, I think she did. She loved me a little, maybe.” He stopped to think. “You know, I don’t know if she loved me or not. She might have loved me some, I guess. But however she loved me was nothing like the way you loved me. It was nothing close. Not the same ballpark, and I just don’t think it would have been that big a deal to her had I not come home.”

I didn’t say anything.

“See what I mean?” he asked.

“No.”

“I mean, I knew she’d be okay, one way or the other. Killed or not killed, she’d be fine so I never had to worry about her where I’d of had to worry about you for sure. And this would have distracted me and yeah. It probably would have gotten me killed.”

“What do you mean? Are you saying she didn’t care if you died?”

“Well, no. I didn’t say that. She might have cared if I died. I don’t know if she would have cared or not. She might have cared some but if she did care, I don’t think she cared that much. I mean, she might have felt something if I died but I don’t think it would have been… it would have been nothing too deep and I doubt it would have lasted very long. Do you understand what I am saying? My dying? It just would not have devastated her the way it would have you, P. She was just not the same as you. You’d have been fucked up if I died. You’d have been fucked up bad, where she was just going to be okay one way or the other.”

“What do you mean? I don’t understand how it doesn’t matter if your husband lives or dies. I don’t understand how you think this is not going to matter to a woman.”

“Well it doesn’t matter, because she’ll be fine either way. If I come home? Well that’s okay. I’m home. I made it. Fine with her. But if I don’t come home, then my paycheck is still going to come home, and that was the main thing she was interested in. You know. That was the main thing she wanted out of me. She was married to me and thought she had a paycheck coming because of it. And in fact she did have a paycheck coming because of it and her paycheck was guaranteed. So with her paycheck guaranteed, what’s she need me for? If I don’t come home, so what? I really don’t think it would have mattered that much. She’d have gotten the insurance, and she may very well have figured she’d be better off.”

“What are you telling me?”

“I’m telling you didn’t have to worry about her so I was not distracted. I’m telling you why I think God separated us. My wife didn’t care if I lived, or if she did, she didn’t care much so I never had to worry about her. Consequently, I was never distracted and I survived Special Forces for all those years. I never worried because I knew she’d have been fine no matter what happened to me. She knew it and I knew it too. You know. I’d be leaving and it was like, see you when you get back, and if you don’t get back, then just see you.”

I made some involuntary noise. “This is hard to believe.”

“For you it is. Because you’re the way you are and you feel the way you do. But what I’m telling you is not that uncommon, P. In fact it’s very common. You might even say it’s usual. What’s not common is the way you loved me. You really loved me. You loved the hell out of me. But with her, if she loved me at all, it wasn’t that much and so it’s not that big a deal if I get killed. In fact, there were times I was pretty sure that would have been her preference.”

“You dying?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think I can stomach this.”

“Sure you can stomach this, P. This is not that big a deal. How she felt about me is not the point. I don’t care if she didn’t love me. What difference does that make to me? She can love or not love me or whoever, as she pleases.”

“I see.”

“What I care about is you did love me. Now that’s important to me. That is worth thinking about and I would like to know how this could be… how you could love me the way you did, and me love you, yet God makes us spend our lives apart? This is what I would like to understand and I’m just saying that this may be one of his reasons for splitting us up. Maybe he separated us because he knew I’d get killed if he didn’t. And he also knew if I died, you’d die too.”

“Um… I can’t deny. I’d have been very messed up.”

“See? You can’t deny it because it’s true. You’d have been devastated if I died so I’m going to be worried about dying and you being devastated. I’m going to be distracted, I’m going to get killed and all the rest. And I don’t think this is what God wanted for us. God didn’t want us to die, or we’d be dead. But he didn’t want us that way so he separated us so I could survive, and you could survive, and we could be here now. Because I was out there and I know what happened. I know what it was like.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I do think I might have died on you, P. If we’d have married.”

“Really? You actually think that?”

“Yeah, I do. Because there were times, and I mean there were more than one of these times where had I been distracted for even a millisecond, I’m sure I’d be dead right now.”

“I see.”

“Yep. You gotta pay attention. You can’t be out there worried about getting home. You can’t be worried about Elsa, sitting at home and wondering how she’s doing and expect to survive this job. So maybe God knew if we were together, then I’d die, which would kill you and he wasn’t going to have that. Maybe he had other plans for us so he had no choice but to do what he did.”

“I see.”

“And I think he probably had more than one reason. He probably had all kinds of reasons. I am sure he had good reasons to or this would not have happened. God is not going to just separate people who love each other for no good reason. I don’t believe that. And I don’t know what all reasons he had or he has, but I do think this may have been one of them.”

skip to “Arrogance…. and a Pissed Off Punitive God”